I enjoy writing. I like the physical act of holding a pencil and leaving my feelings on paper. I’ve written stories and poetry, lists and letters, book reviews and research papers. There have been times I’ve gone months or even years without writing much of anything. I realize this blog isn’t well-written and you may question if I’ve ever written anything. That’s okay, I’m very rusty and I normally write for my own eyes.
I tell you, though, I write a lot of letters. To my Husband, mostly. Putting my thoughts on paper has always been much easier than forcing them out of my mouth. I think in overlapping circles, in squiggles of different colors, in a jumble of branches. It is difficult to follow a thought – but I can get much better organized on paper, and hopefully make a bit more sense.
I introduced D/s to my Husband though a series of emails and links. Eventually, I had him read the journal I started once I realized what I am. Since then, I write him letters to check in. I haven’t done this on a regular schedule, just when I am feeling the urge or feeling a bit off-kilter.
Today is one of those days. I emailed Him a letter that felt more like a promissory note. My insecurities have been hard to take lately – making me second-guess, making me defiant (as if He has to earn my submission every time), just making me a general pain. Embarrassing. So, I wrote him an email explaining that I realize I shouldn’t behave this way and I vowed to work on my insecurities and submission. I also asked Him to help with this.
Sir will hold me accountable for truly working on my issues and being completely open and honest. Now I’ve written it here and this will help me stay accountable, too.
D/s speaks to the depths of my soul, but the communication that goes with it can be torturous. Trust me, I am not complaining. This is the journey I was meant to take. I am just so grateful that Sir is willing to read my letters – they might be my saving grace.
***Fyi – I’m getting fed up with all of my issues and think my next post will be much more fun. While my issues are plentiful, nightly play time is really hot around here. ***