unforgivable, I am

Disagreements? Miscommunications? Arguments?

I think this is a part of every relationship, D/s or otherwise (please tell me yes!  Please do not say that now that you’re D/s these things don’t occur! I’m fragile right now, people!).  The difference with D/s is the way that you handle them.  Correct?

So then what happens when you handle them with vanilla?  Gasp!

And then what happens when your Sir also responds in a vanilla way?

Nothing good, that’s for sure.  Probably a lot of tears out of you, probably a lot of apologizing from your Sir.  Things are worked out, talked through, you are moving on. You have a great scene with lots of quality crop time, you feel better. Until you wake up.

When you wake up, little sub, you feel like shit.  You feel undeserving and too needy and just not enough.  Maybe you take off your necklace because you don’t feel worthy enough to wear it – that probably makes you feel worse.  You replay those 10 minutes in the car where everything fell to hell and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that YOU are the one that started this ship sinking.  You opened your mouth and the things that tumbled out, while true, were not presented with respect or kindness.  Although, the worry you voiced was not about your relationship in any way or directed to your Sir personally, you said ugly things.  You felt nervous, you felt scared… but you didn’t say it right.  Not by a long shot.

And your Sir was silent… until He wasn’t. And what He had to say was true, but He didn’t present it very well, either.  He is tired of you not controlling your mouth.  Message received.

And now here you are, a stressful, busy day that should’ve already been started and you are on the computer. You email your Sir. Twice. You check the blogs hoping to find a nugget to make you feel not so alone.  Try to find something that says “Hey, we fuck up too!”, but you give up and write your own post.  You hope that’ll make you feel better, at least a little.  Your Sir emails you back with nothing but beautiful things to say, but you still beat yourself up, you still punish yourself.  For what?  For the lesson.  You are very disappointed in yourself and aren’t sure how to rise out of that.  You are so hard on yourself, because you wanted this life sooooo badly, you are so very thankful for it, you are thrilled that your Husband is also your Sir… and you still go and open your mouth in the most unattractive, vanilla way possible.  Your Sir forgives you, He’s said it over and over, but in your mind, this is unforgivable. You are unforgivable and you need to feel as bad as possible so that you can maybe tame your mouth. Right?

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44 thoughts on “unforgivable, I am

      • Sorry that you’re having a rough time of it too. Unfortunately, I have been through this a few times before. It does get better and believe it or not a lot of growth comes out of it. Do not beat yourself up because it’s going to make it harder to move on. I think you know that already.

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  1. We all fuck up, We all say and do things we wish we could change, but thats not possible. We must learn together and talk. We never know how to help each other andmove ahead without pouring out your guts to the other.The love you have swill be the glue to hold you together. It happens to ALL RELATIONSHIPS. Sorry for your pain.

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  2. *dislike*
    I do hope you feel better as the day goes on. You shouldn’t beat yourself up, though. Trust your Sir, and let Him do the punishing, if He feels it’s warranted. Get out of your head, girl!

    Lots of hugs!

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      • But you need to. Especially because he says it’s done. Everyone makes mistakes, the important part is learning from them. You have done that, I’m sure. Next time a thought starts to hit your mouth before you have processed it, you will hold your tongue. Buck up, babe. You know LK would tell you to do something today that helps you focus on your submission. I think you should do that instead of wallowing in regret. 😉 Lots of hugs!

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      • Alright. You are right. No more wallowing. I shall go find my submissive beneath all this crap and I will focus on bringing that into the light. Thank you. Seriously.

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      • Good, but don’t thank me. Just giving my sub-port. 😉 I’m actually trying to keep myself busy while I wait for an email from LK.

        She made me realize yesterday (while I was wallowing) that I need to get formal acceptance from my Husband. I am not being very submissive because I’m finding it difficult to do so without His acceptance.

        I’ve been searching all morning for ways I can convince Him that this is what we both need. He had said he would be “considerate” of my desires when it came to His dominance, but that isn’t a definite. That isn’t dominant. And as last month ended, we were pretty much in the same place that we were at the end of July when I approached him with this and bared my soul.

        But I’m scared too death he can’t/doesn’t want this. I’m not sure exactly how I will deal with that. I know, I also need to Buck Up! Sorry. I didn’t mean to make this about me.

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      • Oh man. I hope you find the words/actions you need to show him the light. I tried to submit for a long while without any formal acceptance…it did not work very well.
        I wish I had some brilliant words of wisdom for you, but I just don’t. It can be a long, hard road. For us, once He really accepted & embraced, things just took off. Clearly, there are obstacles and rough days, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
        I hope you two get there. Thinking good thoughts for you!!
        Now, I’m off to an interview (eek!).

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      • Shygirl hope you are feeling better after all this great advice everyone gave…good job ladies…

        POL, I am right there with you,…”I am not being very submissive because I am finding it difficult without his acceptance.” Such true words for me too. He says I am only submissive when it suits me…which didn’t make sense at first but when I thought about it he was right, I am really working on it so that I can show him with actions that I can be submissive all the time, so that he will accept this lifestyle and want to be my husDom all the time.

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      • Great advice is right! I’ve never had any friends so supportive in real life. Feeling much better this morning, talked it out with my Husband, did a day’s worth of thinking. 🙂 I will work daily to control my mouth.

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  3. Youre not alone! I think we’ve all been there.
    I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad. One thing I want to add…a lesson I’ve learned….for myself anyway…..but maybe it will help you too….
    Did you ask for and has your Sir given you his forgiveness and or punishment??? If so, its part of our job as the submissive to accept that. We glady accept a punishment when we do something wrong. But we also have to learn to accept forgiveness when they offer it…and that means forgiving ourselves too. If you can think of it like this it might help…..not accepting their forgiveness and not forgiving ourselves is almost disrespectful of the D/s relationship, disrespecting his role as your Dom. When he offers you the gift of forgiveness, you are free…let that set you free! He is in his role for a reason! Trust him!
    I hope this doesn’t sound judgemental….its not meant that way at all♥♥♥ I just wanted to tell you what has helped me in those moments!
    Hope you feel better today!

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    • You’re right. He said He forgave me and thought that should be the end of it. Hence the yummy moving on last night, but I just felt so shitty this morning about my behavior. I can see where that would be disrespectful to Him. Oh boy. It’s hard to help how you feel, but yours is a great perspective. At the very least, all this has kept my mind off my interview in 13 minutes!

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  4. Pingback: :: fragile moments | AN EMERGING DOM

  5. Amazing…. I was reading this thinking OMG is someone peeking in my windows…. :).

    Taming my mouth… Yes…. This is a struggle for me without a doubt… Then the internal backlash even when I’m assured all is “good’..

    I must be honest I felt I was the only Sub/Wife wrestling to control and tame that side if me..

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    • My mouth is, and always has been, my biggest struggle!

      “internal backlash” – good way to put it, but it sure is a b!tch.

      You are definitely not the only one… my mouth gets carried away before my brain kicks in sometimes.

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  6. Just wait, it will pass. Just remember all the bumps in the road that you have had before. .Sometimes I feel that it is just a good way to uncover and let go of some feelings that you both probably didn’t realize that you had. Bring it out-it is part of the honesty between you.Honesty isn’t always pretty. XXXXX

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  7. Shy girl.. Hope you are feeling better and that your interview went well.. You so are not the only one out there!! My mouth gets me into alot of trouble.. Before this journey started I needed to give up control of alot of things and one of my struggles was and is still my mouth… I try really hard to filter before I speak.. All these comments are spot on!!! Once forgiven by your sir we need to move on and be better for the next time!!’ Hugs girl!!!!

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    • Thanks! The moving on must take practice…I’ve always been very hard on myself…but I will work on that and my mouth control! Feeling good today – interview was not what I had hoped, but that’s okay. 🙂

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  8. You are never alone! I wrote you an email! Almost every day one of us are disrespectful to our Sir or to our D/s…. Very natural. As I said there’s a punishment… then you move forward. That vanilla reaction takes some time to go away. Like learning anything.. it takes practice… chalk it up to that.. Maybe get a spanking and ask his forgiveness….Best Wishes… U R Never… Never ALONE!
    You have all of us! HUGS GIRL!
    LK

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    • Oh, not very well. The guys were, I think, trying to intimidate and discourage. I held my own, but don’t think it is the job for me. Who knew finding a part time job would be such a beating!?

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      • Those guys don’t know what a good impact play.. Or beating is about… Only if they knew, right? It’s ok.. They did you a favor!
        You have something special… Take that magic and use it. I don’t know if you feel this way but me being submissive and giving myself to my Sir … Afterwards I feel very strong… Take some of that strength and believe in yourself … Save it for that next interview…
        Hugs! LK

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      • Ha! Yes, if they only knew how well I respond to a true beating! lol
        I do feel that way after giving myself over… that is great advice and I will keep that in the front of my mind for any future interviews.
        My Husband would prefer I didn’t work, but with all kids in school… I just want a little something!!

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      • I always felt the same… So he built me a horse farm to take care of… Lol!
        I’m rethinking wanting that little something! Lol!
        I do hope that my words spoke to you a little bit!
        LK ❤🐇

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      • Shy girl, sorry the job did not work out…I am like you, hubby says I don’t need to work, just wanted something to get me out of the house…I took a job with the kids school district…serving lunch to high school kids, 3 days a week, 4 hours a day, I work with a bunch of other moms and we always seem to get talking about sex, ha ha…have you check with your school district, plus side is you are off all the same days as the kids…good luck with your job hunting.😊

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      • That is exactly the kind of days/hours I am looking for. I wanted to be a sub (haha…teacher) but I guess I was too late this year. I’ll check with our district for other things! Thanks.

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  9. hi shy girl , how are you ? i hope you’re feeling great .
    i really hope you are feeling a lot better , i am inexperienced regarding this subject since I’ve only entered the d\s 24\7 lifestyle a few months back so i don’t feel I’m capable of soothing you with kind and supportive words of advice , but i do really hope you feel better .
    id like to ask you a favor , please explain to me what does it mean to act or talk in a vanilla way i know everything about BDSM and I’m well-aware of what vanilla style is , but in this context i don’t understand , please explain to me what do you mean by saying you responded in a vanilla way by giving an example, just so i can avoid it even though it seems inevitable .
    thank you , i hope you always be happy in your marriage.

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    • Hi curious. I’m great today! This post was a while back so I read it again to refresh my memory. I remember that day vividly. When I was saying that I spoke/reacted in a vanilla way, I meant that I spoke very disrespectfully to my Sir – I was accusatory, raised my voice and used inappropriate language. I’m not proud of it and I have gotten a lot better, but still have my moments. That day, I did not behave submissively… I bottled my feelings until I exploded. I should have brought my feelings up in a respectful manner and much sooner than I did.
      I hope that helps explain a little. Best of luck on your journey, if I can be of any help, let me know. Oh and thanks for commenting on my blog! 🙂

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