unforgivable, I am

Disagreements? Miscommunications? Arguments?

I think this is a part of every relationship, D/s or otherwise (please tell me yes!  Please do not say that now that you’re D/s these things don’t occur! I’m fragile right now, people!).  The difference with D/s is the way that you handle them.  Correct?

So then what happens when you handle them with vanilla?  Gasp!

And then what happens when your Sir also responds in a vanilla way?

Nothing good, that’s for sure.  Probably a lot of tears out of you, probably a lot of apologizing from your Sir.  Things are worked out, talked through, you are moving on. You have a great scene with lots of quality crop time, you feel better. Until you wake up.

When you wake up, little sub, you feel like shit.  You feel undeserving and too needy and just not enough.  Maybe you take off your necklace because you don’t feel worthy enough to wear it – that probably makes you feel worse.  You replay those 10 minutes in the car where everything fell to hell and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that YOU are the one that started this ship sinking.  You opened your mouth and the things that tumbled out, while true, were not presented with respect or kindness.  Although, the worry you voiced was not about your relationship in any way or directed to your Sir personally, you said ugly things.  You felt nervous, you felt scared… but you didn’t say it right.  Not by a long shot.

And your Sir was silent… until He wasn’t. And what He had to say was true, but He didn’t present it very well, either.  He is tired of you not controlling your mouth.  Message received.

And now here you are, a stressful, busy day that should’ve already been started and you are on the computer. You email your Sir. Twice. You check the blogs hoping to find a nugget to make you feel not so alone.  Try to find something that says “Hey, we fuck up too!”, but you give up and write your own post.  You hope that’ll make you feel better, at least a little.  Your Sir emails you back with nothing but beautiful things to say, but you still beat yourself up, you still punish yourself.  For what?  For the lesson.  You are very disappointed in yourself and aren’t sure how to rise out of that.  You are so hard on yourself, because you wanted this life sooooo badly, you are so very thankful for it, you are thrilled that your Husband is also your Sir… and you still go and open your mouth in the most unattractive, vanilla way possible.  Your Sir forgives you, He’s said it over and over, but in your mind, this is unforgivable. You are unforgivable and you need to feel as bad as possible so that you can maybe tame your mouth. Right?