Thinking [growth] Thursday

Has it really already been a week?  Has it only been a week?  I have been inundated with sad this week.  Not my sad, but sad from various people around me.  I feel for them, though there is nothing to be done.  One of the sad bits is the end of a relationship – my sister’s.  Her marriage lasted just over three years and it seems they have grown apart – different goals, different life ideas.  These things happen…but, naturally, it has me thinking…

Sir and I will be married 15 years next month.  We had a child first, and then married relatively young, and we both have done a lot of changing and growing and evolving (and on occasion, some devolving), but we have done all of this together, with each other.  With each growth, each change, we turned to one another and basically said “Hey, grow with me!”.  And we did… our relationship has been the sunshine that we reach for in our growth, so that we are always headed in the same direction.  Make no mistake, I know marriage is a ton of work.  Relationships require constant acknowledgment, encouragement and assessment.  I think, maybe, it is easier to grow apart.  Life happens – the choices you make, the company you keep, the words you hear – all of it plays a role and can make things quickly go south.

Two people living together, but having separate lives, cannot work for long.  Can it?  Can you separate your work self from your married self and keep that up?  Can you have a healthy relationship while thinking, being and living only for yourself?  Maybe you can, i’m sure people do, but I cannot.  In every thing I do, in every action I take, I always keep my Husband in mind.  He doesn’t know this, or maybe He does, but I’ve never come out and said it.  I want to please Him, yes, but more than that I want to make sure our marriage stays strong and happy.

——————————————

It has been seven hours since I wrote that top part, and I now know quite a bit more about the situation. It would seem my sis and her husband were not a good fit from the get-go. It is still sad, but is for the best.

I am very grateful that Sir and I are a perfect fit and that we can grow side by side, always with common goals and ideas.

I wonder…how did you know you found your perfect fit and how do you ensure that you do not grow apart?

Thinking Thursday has become rambling Thursday… sorry about that. It’s hard to finish a post in one sitting lately!

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13 thoughts on “Thinking [growth] Thursday

  1. I think a lot of marriages are not a “perfect fit”. I think a ton of people struggle to reach toward the same goals as their spouse. And I believe that even more do what I did for long, hide behind the mask of the person they believe their spouse wants them to be. Always following, and losing themselves in the wake.

    I often say I married the perfect man. Lots of friends and co-workers are jealous of the way he treats me, spoils me, adores me. My sisters envy his gentle, sweet and non-confrontational demeanor. He doesn’t fight, he lavished me with things, when he could afford it, and He treats me with the utmost respect, always, even when he is angry.

    He is the perfect husband. And I adore him for it. But I played into that for so long, pretending that “perfect” was what I wanted and needed, that I started to crack under that mask. I fantasized about him NOT being so perfect, about him demanding things of me, being brusque with me, not allowing me to sit idly by and accept his adoration, but having to earn it.

    But I didn’t think he was capable of those things. I didn’t believe in myself any longer, so how could I believe he would do those things for me. I almost have up without even trying to put down the mask.

    I’m sure that is what happens to a lot of people.

    But I did put it down, and braces myself for rejection. I’m betting a lot of people are not that brave.

    You are blessed to fit so perfectly, enjoy it!

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    • I hope I didn’t come off like “oh we are so perfect”! We have had our ups and downs and made countless mistakes in our marriage. I tried to be a different girl for most of that time – not totally different, but a different personality. That was on me.
      Through all of the crap, when it came right down to it, when it really mattered…both of us chose US over anything else … Ego, pride, fear, etc. As you know, my life this past year has gone from really good to fucking-phenomenal. Not because we are awesome…but because we saw a need for change and despite trepidation about certain things on both our parts, we held on and changed together.
      We are a perfect fit because we chisel away those jagged edges, no matter what it takes.

      Thank you for the comment…you brought up some great points that I hadn’t really thought much about. 🙂 also…I’m glad you put down your mask…much easier to breathe that way! Stay brave!

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      • Oh no, I didn’t mean to make it sound like you were bragging or anything. It’s AWESOME that you guys fit so well and have managed to grow together instead of apart. I only wanted to add my perspective.

        Yes, definitely easier to breathe without that mask!

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  2. I watched my parents’ marriage deteriorate over the last number of years. They started living very seperate lives. They stopped sleeping in the same room years ago. So when they brought my sisters and I together this last summer and told us of their divorce I was not completely surprised. It still hurt. They grew apart.

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    • I am sorry about your parents. Mine are still together. I see lots of people grow apart. I think it takes a whole lot of conscious effort to not grow apart and instead, to grow together. Ehhhh…I don’t know much…I just know my own marriage, and even then sometimes I’m like “whaaaaaaaat?”.

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      • There were some major factors that drove a wedge between them and some smaller things that just added up over time. It got to the point where it could not be repaired. It was a very very very difficult decision for them to make but it was what was best for both of them.

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  3. All I know is….when we found each other…it was like the universe shifted, settled into place! I would do anything for my husband. We, just like all marriages, have had struggles….but like you said….we just kind of hold hands, look at each other and say “bring it on”! We are best friends. We look to the other for everything….we talk about everything. …and we just have this connection that I dont even think will go away after this life ends! We don’t grow apart
    because we don’t take any steps without the other completely on board. We absolutely feed off each other. …he leads with strong sure steps…and I’m more than willing to follow him anywhere!
    Now im rambling!!!♥

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    • Love that…universe shifted…I know that well. I had a very clear moment where all sound stopped (no lie) when Sir walked in, though I’d known him for two years. Long story. Love your comment, Thanks!

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      • Omg I had the same thing happen…everything else disappeared and got quiet! It was like a special effect from a movie! We’ll have to swap stories sometime….we have a long twisty story about our beginning!

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      • That is awesome! The few people I’ve told about the silence thing either thought I was loony or embellishing, other than my Husband and now you! Definitely we will swap stories sometime, ours is…odd.

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      • Nope…I believe you! Its absolutely a real thing! Love to hear your story! Email me if you like! Ours is kinda twisted….but with a happy ending!

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