Thinking [day by day] Thursday

daybyday

I’m really feeling this today.  Those first nine months (September to May) of this D/s journey, I was so very focused on the slow movement.  I just wanted to go, and go fast!  My journal entries from those months read like the ramblings of a sad, frightened girl.  Sure there were moments scattered about where I felt His dominance, where I could really feel He was happy embarking on this path, but for the most part I was frustrated and scared that I would ruin our marriage with this.  If you had asked me then, or read my journal, you would think little to nothing was changing or evolving during that time.  You would be dead wrong, just as I was.  Absolutely everything was changing.  Sir and I were learning and becoming Dom & sub – too bad I didn’t really appreciate it during that time.  .

Earlier this week, I wrote a post where I realized Sir doesn’t really have those Dom moments anymore, because He has fully become the Dom.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what a great, freeing, awe-inspiring realization that was.  It also got me thinking about all the ways our lives have changed because of D/s (woohoo! List time!!)…

* The children have a new respect for my Husband.  They have always loved their Dad – he is fun and silly and great – but when it came right down to it, I was the decision maker and they knew it.  If they wanted something, I was always the one to ask.  Even if they’d ask their Dad first, He would just refer them to me.  If you’ve ever been this person, you know it can get really old!  I make many decisions all day long, as Sir works and I’m home… that only makes sense.  But now, when the minions ask for something or permission to go somewhere, when possible, I tell them to ask their Dad. AND HE MAKES THE DECISION!  I’m not ALWAYS the bad guy anymore.  And guess what else? They don’t even get mad at Sir when He denies them something.  (Come on!!)  Sometimes, Sir will consult with me if need be, but many times He just decides!  BAM!!  That was definitely a bit of a challenge for the kids at first (especially the 15 year old), but it is awesome.

*  Sir and I have always spent a lot of time together – we don’t really have a lot of friends anyway, but we truly enjoy each other’s company.  Now, that seems to be amplified!  Sir started a [nerdy, geeky, super awesome] project and insisted I help Him with it, even when I didn’t want to.  I’m very grateful – we have spent many hours together working on it, listening to music and talking, with many more hours to come.  Also, Sir hustles to get His work done every day to try to make it home for afternoon coffee.  It makes my heart happy knowing that He enjoys that time as much as I do.

*  Conversation.  I mean REAL conversation is now a daily occurrence in our house.  Before D/s, there would be days where our conversations consisted of “what do you want for dinner?” and “are you ready for bed?”!  Not because we were angry or upset, just because those were sometimes our only connecting points.  That sucked!!  Now, we always have things to talk about and there is nothing, not even food or sleep, that is more important than connecting with each other.

* I’ve always hated lying because it makes me feel like a horrible human being. I’ve always been honest with my Sir, but D/s has taken me to a whole new depth of honesty.  Sometimes I hate it!  Sometimes, I abhor that I have to be honest and bring my dreaded feelings and insecurities to the forefront. It is so difficult for me, but it is absolutely worth every tear shed.  I’ve been able to tell my Sir things I thought I’d keep hidden forever and that is very liberating.

*  Of course, I haven’t forgotten about the SEX!!  Our sex life has always been good, really!  But now? Now it is an out-of-this-world, earth-moving, mind-shattering, cannot-wait-for-the-next-round, gravity-defying, orgasm-fest type of experience. Every time. ‘Nough said on that.

* The house is clean.  The laundry is done.  The floors are mopped.  We never lived in squalor, but for a long time I just was not motivated. I now look at my ‘chores’ as tangible expression of my love and submission.

* Sir and I have always been a pretty good team…now we are a f#cking GREAT team!! I think this has to do with our roles being clearly defined.  He is the Boss, He is the Alpha.  I’ve had to let a lot of my control issues fall by the wayside and it is a beautiful thing.  Okay, okay, some of those control issues didn’t exactly fall, Sir had to rip them away and throw them over the cliff with me kicking and screaming, but still… beautiful. I remain in charge of the bills and the money – why?!  Because I am better at it and I’m a math nerd – but I don’t need to control how things around the house get done!  Who the hell was that girl and why was she so desperate to hide her true self?  That’s a post for another day.

* D/s has made me realize what is truly important in life and let go of the things that aren’t.  That includes ‘friends’ that were toxic and a job that was bad for my soul.  I just don’t have time for a bunch of bullshit in my life – I’d much rather be making my Sir’s life easier in any possible way.

This list only scratches the surface – there have been so many changes, subtle and overt, that have happened during this year that have made our lives richer.  I’m happy to report to the girl from my journal… you are NOT fucked up, this will NOT ruin your marriage, and your Husband is NOT freaked out, He LOVES every bit of it.  I’d also like to tell her to have a lot more self-confidence and to really think about all those spankings she wants… sometimes those suckers HURT!  Ehhh, may as well let her know she’ll like those painful ones, too!

The Heavy – Who needs the sunshine

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17 thoughts on “Thinking [day by day] Thursday

  1. I hope I can look back, just like this, in a year. …Two or three? But, hey, progress at a snails pace is still progress.

    I struggle with the honesty. I have a lot of trouble verbalizing things. I’ve started writing to him, to get it all out, let him know what’s on my mind and what I need. I wonder, at what point will I be able to just say it, openly. I fear that point will drive him away, just as you talked about in your journal.

    It’s hard showing your true self. That mask, IS sometimes easier to hide behind, even when I can’t breath.

    Thank you for this, though. It gives me hope.

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    • Keep the hope. Any progress at all is good!! I wish I had kept that in mind during those long, slow months.

      I will tell you, that I still write many things to my Husband…on paper, in emails…verbalizing is tough for me, plus my brain is so crazy it is easier to put thoughts in coherent order when writing. My Sir says that doesn’t bother Him, but there are some times He will make me say the words.

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  2. What a great post! It caused me to look back at the last few months (in the first 8 months we were both terribly lost and even looking back, very little changed in that time due to that). I can definitely see some big differences, despite the progress feeling excruciatingly slow.
    I struggle with verbalization too. It’s strange because I’m usually so opinionated. I think fear really cripples me in the aspect of talking about it.

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    • I am quite opinionated myself, but some things are just easier for me to write.
      It’s funny how the big changes kind of sneak up on you and you didn’t even notice them when they were happening. I REALLY wish I had noticed more during those slow months instead of wallowing in the slow pace.

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      • Yes, I’m wanting more and more. I really do need to pay more attention to what is going on. While some things are easy to notice (like the other night…) and others are almost unnoticed by me (until I look back on it…).

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  3. This is a beautiful post Shygirl! Thanks for sharing! I love your list (sounds very familiar)! Its becoming more and more just how we live. Its truly become our lifestyle…not just something we do now and then or in the bedroom. It permeates every facet of our lives….every thought and decision made! I was thinking about this all morning, and then I read your post and I had to giggle because you said some of the exact things floating around in my head! Thank you for posting! ♥

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    • Thanks! I had been cleaning my closet and came across my old journal, opened it up and skimmed it and just thought WOW, things sure have changed. I cannot think of a single aspect of our lives that has not been touched and changed for the better by this lifestyle. Glad it resonated with you… and you, very often, post things that are so similar to me and my life… always makes me giggle.

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      • Yes!!! It is funny how much we have in common!
        I think its awesome you kept a journal and can look back to see the growth and forward strides. Your post could really encourage a lot of new subs who are where you were a year ago! Really great post!♥

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  4. Great post!! Much of what you have said here many of us can relate to our journeys. I especially like the part about your kids. I too have begun to let Dad be the bad guy for a change, and it’s great. My new line is ” go ask your Father and what he says goes”. The kids at first were like ” what the heck”!!!!
    I feel that I have become stronger, more confident, and so full of desire to please my Sir. At the end of summer, we went to visit family out of state, and my Sirs Sister said to us ” after 20 years of marriage, you two look so happy! What ever your doing keep doing it cause it’s working for you”! If only she knew….lol!

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    • That is awesome!
      The dynamic with the kids is SUCH a big change. Sadly, I can get loud with them, but it is much quieter now because I can just turn it over to my Husband. And I can see that they respect Him more, but it is still a bit off-putting for the oldest I think. 🙂

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    • Sir’s Mynx- same here, I’ve had people tell me. “I want to be you guys”, ” I want our marriage to be like yours”. I tell them we work hard at it, and then smile….

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  5. Great post, Shygirl…I used to journal all the time, but got away from it…you have inspired me to start back up…now I know the reason that I bought that pretty red leather journal a couple weeks ago…I want to be able to look back and say WOW…we really have come so far…even though it started at such a snail pace…I like your part about being a team…my Sir always says we are a team…it is us against the world…I too, do the bills in our house, just because I am better at it and he does not have the time…thank you for this post…I sent it to my Sir.

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    • Thank you! I journal less now, when things are good I have less to say. I guess this blog counts for something though. It is so great to be part of a team like that, it is one of the best parts…!!

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  6. YES, YES, YES, and YES…. Bravo! Honestly, everything you said in this post is 100% true and I could have written it pretty much word for word. It does not get any better than this, doesn’t it? Our journey to this point was like no other, trust me, and it was at times so heart wrenching, I felt I couldn’t go on, but it was worth it. I wouldn’t wish what we went through on anybody, but it forced us to become excellent communicators, and what we have now is beyond my wildest dreams. It is still work, though, but the payoffs are fantastic!!

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  7. There is so much I’d like to say, but I will be as blunt as possible: I love my wife for being the woman is dreamt of my whole life. I read not in disgust, but lust and admiration for such a beauty from within. I realize that it had to be kept under wraps…but oh boy does this exacerbate my passion for her. I now dedicate my life to her as she does to me; a bond that exemplifies the meaning of “Love me as I am”.

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