This post is not about a job- I haven’t found anyone willing to work around my crazy-restricted availability. This post is not about my Husband/Sir, either, though I wish it were. Instead, this post is about the world seeing me as the boss. Here’s what got me thinking about this:
I was out shopping with my mom, saw a bracelet that said “BOSS” on it – you know the ones that are quite popular now with those big, block letters. I touched it (I touch everything!) and made a ‘hmmm’ sort of noise, which drew my mom’s attention. She said “I need that”, I said “yeah, you do…hahaha” and she said “well…so do YOU!” She was absolutely serious. Boo, hiss, talk about a mood-killer! I almost cried. Seriously, I almost cried in Macy’s over a stupid bracelet.
The rest of the day was spent trying to push that way down deep and failing. I am very aware that
much most all of the world sees me as the boss. I guess, in many situations, it is necessary (kids, working, etc), but lately I’m really sickened by the thought of those close to me seeing me as the boss at home. Now, I know, it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks and I’m usually the first to say that, but just indulge me for a moment…
For many years, I was kind of the boss. I had the final say in everything in our marriage… not because I demanded it, really, but because my Husband wanted me to be happy. Oh, what a rough life! I can definitely be bossy and opinionated, I like things certain ways, I appear to know what I want. Sigh. So, I do understand why people think what they do, but I hate it, and I do mean hate. I hate the jokes about my Husband having to check with me. I hate the implied idea that I “wear the pants” or “rule the roost”. Mostly, I hate that I am the one that has perpetuated this falsity. I hate that, for years…okay for all my life until a little over a year ago…I behaved as the boss. It breaks my heart. It bothers me beyond belief that I actually pretended to be that girl. I never wanted to be that girl…I just didn’t know how to be me. And it completely sucks that I am finally learning how to be me and cannot share it with anyone. Who, in my real life, would understand, or even BELIEVE me?! I then wonder if I had actually been me in my life, would I have real friends, better friends, some friends? Who knows. I am sickened and sad, and I cannot do a thing to change anyone’s mind.
Sorry this is not a very inspiring or well-written Thursday post. I’m just venting a little – things with my Sir are fantastic, but I need to get this out there:
I am absolutely NOT the boss and I have worked hard for that coveted status.