Thinking [15] Thursday

Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. 

My Husband and I have been a legal couple for 15 years.  This day had no particular meaning to us, it just worked out in our schedules well enough.  When we got married, our firstborn was nine months old…and she had her first ever cold.  The ceremony was at my parents’ old house, with very few people there.  Nothing fancy.  My dress cost less than $50 and our cake was from the local grocery market. The whole gathering took an hour and a half at most.  It was simple and, though it wasn’t what I wanted, it was lovely. 

Thinking back, it would have been fine not to have any guests.  I realize they are family, but they just don’t have a role in our marriage.  The whole wedding was fought for.  Since we already had a child, everyone just thought we should not do ANY sort of ceremony.  But, I pushed and they conceded ever so slightly.  I was 21 on my wedding day, my Husband was 23. (Yep, I sure did just do that math in my head)  There were naysayers coming out of the woodworks.  I don’t think there was a single person that thought we could do it, that thought we could last, not really.  Of course, our family hoped we’d be fine but they had no faith.  That is fine, because we had enough faith for everyone.  I had known a few years prior that He and I were going to be something.  It took two years for the timing to work out, but then there was a “everything gets quiet” moment when He walked in and a voice told me “This is it … It’s now or never”.  I chose now. Since that moment, we have been together. 

So, now we have been married 15 years.  It has not been all long walks and flowers.  These years have been work.  Hard work.  The best work.  We have become new people many times and we have had to learn to compromise like nobody’s business. Frankly, I think my Husband got the short end of the stick with me.  He is such a great a man and I can be SO much work and SO needy.  I could never, in all of my life, repay the kindness that He shows to me.  sigh.

Of course you all know that we’ve flipped the script this past year and my Husband has also become my Sir.  Honestly, the best decision we have ever made.  I am so very thankful that He was open and willing… and is totally at ease with our new roles. 

You are also aware of my many ups and downs in this dynamic and my (our?) communication shortfalls, but you don’t get to hear His side.  He thinks each and every one of my downswings is a learning experience meant to move us deeper into our roles.  He is such a positive person, I’m trying to keep up with that!! 

Anyway, I’m just saying that we have been married 15 years and it’s kind of a big deal.  =)  I am such a lucky girl and I am truly living the dream.

How about some doing?

I’m tired of always trying.

No, I’m not giving up on anything.  In fact, just the opposite.

I simply need to do.

Why should I try so hard to be submissive? I already know I am submissive…even when I fight it… so I should stop trying and start being. (I’m pretty sure Mynx gets the credit for this!)

Why should I hope for Sir to realize something? It has been proven, time and time again, that He apparently cannot intuitively know what I’m thinking or wanting (dammit!)… so I should stop hoping and start talking.

*that comes off a tad bitchy doesn’t it? I don’t mean it that way. My Husband knows me well and there are plenty of times He knows exactly what I need and want. I’m just very good at covering those things up…He says it is my way to maintain control. I say…not all the time..but…well, He is probably right.

Why should I continue to wish for things to happen or get done? I’m very capable and I need to stop wishing, and just get it done or let it go.

So, I am done trying. It is wearing me out, physically and mentally. From here on out, there is only do. (please feel free to remind me of this the next time I hit the bottom)

***And since I hate that my last post was such a downer, I’d like to mention that Sir and I got everything worked out (at a snail’s pace, but still!) and we are good. Very good. More on that Thursday. 🙂