Wrong choices: my specialty?

Even after all this time, I have a very difficult time knowing when to speak up and when to be quiet. I pick the wrong option at least 75% of the time. And when I do speak up, half of those times, I do it the wrong way. It is frustrating. More than that, it infuriates me and I return to thinking that nothing I do is just right.

I mentioned before that our D/s is ever-present, and I stand by that. I am thankful and thrilled that we have integrated that dynamic into our lives. But…you knew there was a ‘but’ coming… Sometimes I need a little more. :/ Many times, I get that something more, but when it is absent for a little too long, I run into trouble.
Speak up or keep quiet? Neither for me, thanks! I use a middle-of-the-road approach called subtlety. And when that inevitably fails to have the outcome I desperately seek, I go straight into protection mode. Protection mode is where my feelings get hurt, I get angry, I push and push, I probably become a little bitchy, and I look for those bricks that I threw down because I just want my comfortable walls back! I want to hide.

*hangs head in shame and defeat*

Trust me when I say that I know how non-submissive that is. I also know that communication is everything. I understand, I believe it, I’m getting some bit better at it. Here is the ugly truth:

I don’t think I should have to say that I need extra attention. I don’t think I should have to say “hey, I’m here, look at me!” I don’t think I should have to say I’m feeling these things. I think, by now, it is common knowledge that I’m a bit needy. I need a lot of reinforcements. I need affirmations that I’m pleasing to Him. I need consistency and structure. All. Of. The. Time. It’s a lot, but it is also so very basic. Is it fair to put this on Him? Nope. Is it nice of me to think this way? Nope. Should I find a way to convey these things properly? You know, I’m not sure. Maybe I should just shut my mouth a little more and leave it alone.

I am well aware that we are living a life here, running a household and a business, dealing with the holidays on top of everyday stress. I am aware that no one is perfect, least of all me, and that probably I should not feel the way I feel. I am highly aware that I really have no business complaining at all… We are very happy and this D/s is working extremely well for us. My Sir is awesome and takes care of me (in more ways than one).

I know all of that! Knowing something doesn’t do a whole lot to change a feeling. I’m sure that doesn’t make much sense… but this is my blog, straight out of my head, and sometimes my feelings just don’t make a lot of sense.

**** I debated long and hard on whether to publish this or not. I did, however, send this to my Sir immediately after I wrote it. I think His view is very important so here is a snippet (with His permission, of course!)…

...It’s an action upon scenario that has to be controlled… I pit you against your internal struggles because I become elated when you are able to rise above and grow/conquer fears… Somehow I see you succeed and it confirms my own success…Surrender your self completely, yet continue to interact in the now…

Obviously, I left a lot out, but that ‘interact in the now’ bit really gets me. Much of my interactions with everyone take place in my head. So much so, that by the time I take action I feel like I am repeating myself…and get frustrated when I don’t get the reaction I got in my mind! Anyway, Sir knows me very well…

Happy Sunday!

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18 thoughts on “Wrong choices: my specialty?

  1. Omgoodness! We are one in the same woman. lol

    Seriously I can relate to this on so many levels. You are most defiantly not alone in these feelings and I’m glad you posted this. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who’s logic and emotions have internal battles with each other.

    I have a tendency to think my feelings don’t hold as much weight as all the other stuff going on in our lives. I’ll feel like a burden to him when I need his attention or touch. There is a catch 22, I want to be open and tell him I NEED, but I don’t want to come off as needy.

    Ughhhhh, it’s so frustrating isn’t it?

    Needless to say, I get it. Big kisses and hugs girl.

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    • Sorry to hear that NsK. I think struggling goes along with the territory. Kind of like you said in your post today… the battles that are hard-won are the ones that really stick. Hope things ease up for you soon.

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  2. We all feel at times that we want MORE, and our Sir’s are not giving us what we WANT. They are however giving us what we NEED. We are constantly at battle with our wants vs needs and have to trust that our Sirs are going to provide for our needs, but may not satisfy all our wants, and that’s part of our submission. It gets easier, but we all need reminding by our Sirs now and then. Hugs!!

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  3. What your Sir said in that snippet is so similar to what I was told by mine last night! Sir wants me to remember his words of what to do when A or B happens and catch myself and apply it so I get the outcome we both want. I’ve seen him do it with athletes and he’s not always demonstrative with his elation of a success. I love the attention…crave the attention. I’ve witnessed the quiet understanding expressed between coach and athlete, but I’m his submissive…and a loud one too…and I want the jumping up and down-swat my ass hard-dip me and kiss me-sideline show!

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    • I am the same way, completely…. I want the full sideline show more often. The quiet acknowledgement is lovely, but when everything is quiet for a bit too long I get loud all by myself… in a ways that result in negative attention.

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  4. You are not alone. Being submissive is very hard and inherently, I think most submissives need attention and positive reinforcement, not because we are needy, but because we live to please our owners/Doms and that positive reinforcement and attention feeds us.

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  5. I think I run a little bit differently than you as a person/submissive. I want to comment on how impressed I am with your honesty with yourself. Amazing. I am impressed with how you are trying to work on you personal challenges — I see your challenges as being human. I see your Sir as human. But, what is cool and interesting is that you two are a team and the team is aware of its weaknesses and strengths. A Power Exchange unit – Wow.

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    • Thank you so much. It is nice to hear from someone that is different… I was worried I’d be judged for not being a ‘good’ submissive and I really hate that, so I wasn’t sure I should even post. We truly are a team… I’m glad that came through in the midst of my challenges!

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  6. Finally WP app seems to be working again! Shy I love this post….mostly because I completely identify with everything you said…and also for what your Sir said in response. Spot on!

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  7. Pingback: Submissive Neediness | The Enlightened Dominant

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