Even after all this time, I have a very difficult time knowing when to speak up and when to be quiet. I pick the wrong option at least 75% of the time. And when I do speak up, half of those times, I do it the wrong way. It is frustrating. More than that, it infuriates me and I return to thinking that nothing I do is just right.
I mentioned before that our D/s is ever-present, and I stand by that. I am thankful and thrilled that we have integrated that dynamic into our lives. But…you knew there was a ‘but’ coming… Sometimes I need a little more. Many times, I get that something more, but when it is absent for a little too long, I run into trouble.
Speak up or keep quiet? Neither for me, thanks! I use a middle-of-the-road approach called subtlety. And when that inevitably fails to have the outcome I desperately seek, I go straight into protection mode. Protection mode is where my feelings get hurt, I get angry, I push and push, I probably become a little bitchy, and I look for those bricks that I threw down because I just want my comfortable walls back! I want to hide.
*hangs head in shame and defeat*
Trust me when I say that I know how non-submissive that is. I also know that communication is everything. I understand, I believe it, I’m getting some bit better at it. Here is the ugly truth:
I don’t think I should have to say that I need extra attention. I don’t think I should have to say “hey, I’m here, look at me!” I don’t think I should have to say I’m feeling these things. I think, by now, it is common knowledge that I’m a bit needy. I need a lot of reinforcements. I need affirmations that I’m pleasing to Him. I need consistency and structure. All. Of. The. Time. It’s a lot, but it is also so very basic. Is it fair to put this on Him? Nope. Is it nice of me to think this way? Nope. Should I find a way to convey these things properly? You know, I’m not sure. Maybe I should just shut my mouth a little more and leave it alone.
I am well aware that we are living a life here, running a household and a business, dealing with the holidays on top of everyday stress. I am aware that no one is perfect, least of all me, and that probably I should not feel the way I feel. I am highly aware that I really have no business complaining at all… We are very happy and this D/s is working extremely well for us. My Sir is awesome and takes care of me (in more ways than one).
I know all of that! Knowing something doesn’t do a whole lot to change a feeling. I’m sure that doesn’t make much sense… but this is my blog, straight out of my head, and sometimes my feelings just don’t make a lot of sense.
**** I debated long and hard on whether to publish this or not. I did, however, send this to my Sir immediately after I wrote it. I think His view is very important so here is a snippet (with His permission, of course!)…
...It’s an action upon scenario that has to be controlled… I pit you against your internal struggles because I become elated when you are able to rise above and grow/conquer fears… Somehow I see you succeed and it confirms my own success…Surrender your self completely, yet continue to interact in the now…
Obviously, I left a lot out, but that ‘interact in the now’ bit really gets me. Much of my interactions with everyone take place in my head. So much so, that by the time I take action I feel like I am repeating myself…and get frustrated when I don’t get the reaction I got in my mind! Anyway, Sir knows me very well…