More

More than love.

What we have is more than love, more than history, more than companionship, more than friendship, more than marriage, more than parenthood, more than respect, more than adoration, more than lust, more than D/s, more than happiness.  All of those things exist for us, and I am thankful for it all, but what we have is more.

I do not have the vocabulary for what it is we have. The words I’m looking for do not exist.  What we have is so deliciously overwhelming and all-consuming that it becomes too much to contemplate.  Instead of thinking, I will wrap myself in all that we are and let everything else fade away.  Perhaps one day, I will stumble upon the perfect description of all of this, but until then I will keep it simple.

What we have is more than love.

-shygirl

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Collar Full

It would seem I am on a Panic! at the Disco kick.  This is the second song I’ve shared from them – it makes me happy. Enjoy.  -shygirl

Collar Full by Panic! at the Disco

Collar Full by Panic! at the Disco

We’ve waited so damn long
We’re sick and tired
I won’t leave any doubt
Or stone unturned
I’ve got a collar full
Of chemistry from your company
So maybe tonight I’ll be
The liberty

Oh show me your love, your love
Give me more but it’s not enough
Show me your love, your love
Before the world catches up
‘Cause there’s always time for second guesses
I don’t wanna know
If you’re gonna be the death of me
That’s how I wanna go

You’ve got it all worked out
So little time
Memories that I black out
If you were mine
You’ve got a pocket full
Of reasons why you’re here tonight
So baby tonight just be
The death of me

Oh show me your love, your love
Give me more but it’s not enough
Show me your love, your love
Before the world catches up
‘Cause there’s always time for second guesses
I don’t wanna know
If you’re gonna be the death of me
That’s how I wanna go

Oh~

Oh show me your love, your love
Give me more but it’s not enough
Show me your love, your love
Before the world catches up

Show me your love, your love
Give me more but it’s not enough
Show me your love, your love
Before the world catches up

Show me your love
Show me your love

Thinking [fear] Thursday

Fear and I go way back.

In my head, fear and worry are nearly indistinguishable.  I’ve always been a worrier.  Even as a very young child, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I truly believed that the moment I stopped thinking and worrying about a particular thing, that horrible thing would soon happen.  (Oh wait, a few times it did!) So… as long as I was still worrying and thinking, everything would be okay.  As I grew up I started to recognize that is a silly concept, but that bizarre line of thinking still holds me captive.  In fact, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized maybe this is a tad self-destructive.

I have no time to delve into the great unknown of my inner-workings, but I would like to attempt to relate this to my submission and my D/s relationship.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not very good at being a submissive.  That is a weird thing to say because I know in my heart I AM submissive, so how could I not be good at something I simply AM?! I could go on for days about the reasons, but ultimately, I think what it boils down to is… FEAR.

When I am afraid, I become, to my way of thinking, overly needy and emotional…and that makes me rather angry.  I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want Sir to grow weary of my constant need for reassurance and attention, I don’t want Sir to scrap this dynamic, I don’t want Sir to leave, etc., etc.  I become so fearful and worried that I get angry – I cry, I fight my submissiveness tooth and nail, I try to hide, I act out.  I’ve written about this many times.  Until today, when I read this post, it never really clicked that the root cause is fear.  AHA!

Wouldn’t you know, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out.  As long as I keep worrying, everything will be okay.  RIGHT?!  *rolls eyes* Maybe you can understand that, but if you can’t, please imagine for a moment what it feels like.  There is no rest, there is no calm, there is really no peace… because that guard cannot be let down, EVER. (These days, I do have quite a bit of calm and peace (so no need to worry!!), but there was a time I had none and didn’t tell a soul.)  It is a stupid, wasteful way to live a life.  I see that.  My Husband most definitely sees that. He is the one that calms me and takes away the worry – even if just moments at a time.  I like to think I’ve gotten much better and I will continue to work on just BEING.

So today, as I’m thinking about fear, I am also extremely thankful to my Husband/Sir because He pushes me to get past things and to be a better submissive…wife…person. With Him, there is no need for fear (except the yummy kind!) and I will do my best to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I’ll end this on a random high note… I’m in a great mood and have a few very lovely bruises on my inner thighs from last night.  Maybe I’ll tell you about it later.  😉 Happy Thursday!!

For more cohesive reading on worrying/fear/anxiety, this article is pretty interesting.