These aren’t roles because we aren’t playing.

We have been living D/s full time since June of 2013, we were working up to it since late fall 2012.  When I say full time, I mean just that.  D/s is not a bedroom activity for us, it is the new foundation of our marriage.  Of course, D/s is expressed in the bedroom (often and very well), but that is not our focus.  If we have a problem or are just angry and upset, we do not step out of D/s to negotiate and fix it.  I’m not even sure how we would do that anyway – call a time-out where He was not Dominant and I not submissive – I just don’t understand that.  We aren’t taking on Dominant and submissive ROLES, we are Dom and sub, therefore we cannot circumvent the dynamic.

In our relationship, I am allowed expected to communicate any problems, worries, or feelings I have as soon as possible.  That has always been the case in our nearly 17 years together – the difference now is the manner in which I am expected to speak.  No longer can I let my temper get the better of me. No longer am I allowed to speak disrespectfully or yell or throw a fit.  If I do these things, I have very clear-cut consequences.  It would NEVER be acceptable to say “I am pissed off and right now I am not your submissive, I want to handle this outside of our D/s dynamic”.  My Husband would probably laugh and say “good luck with that”.  When He embraced His Dom, he REALLY embraced it.  He let the Dom out and let it rule.  I would think it highly disrespectful to request that be put aside to discuss why I’m upset.  If Sir came to me and said He was angry but wouldn’t discuss it with me as Dom to sub, I’m sure I would be utterly devastated and confused.  So, none of that!

Everything we do – from parenting the kids, to shopping for groceries, to hashing out a misunderstanding – is done within the framework of D/s.  Why?  Why do we not take a break?  Because this is who we are.  Simply put, if we cannot handle ALL of life within this dynamic then it wouldn’t really be the right path for us.

Submissive...what I need to do and not do

I am aware that everyone’s relationship is different.  If you step outside your dynamic and it is working, more power to you.  If you only like D/s in the bedroom, good for you!  I would not expect anyone to run their marriages, lives, or D/s like we do.  We are still finding out what works for us in this D/s dynamic and I imagine we always will be tweaking and changing things… that’s what makes life great.  But as of now, we are D/s 24/7… full steam ahead. 



21 thoughts on “These aren’t roles because we aren’t playing.

  1. Yes! This! I cant even imagine “stepping out” of our D/s for any reason because its who we are not what we do. In fact…I’d be aftaid to step out for fear that my thinking would be skewed…D/s allows me better clarity than I had before with clear cut expectations in place.
    I like what you said about being, not only allowed, but expected to communicate honestly about anything going on. I’m a bottler…and that’s what I did before. I bottled and held everything inside, I ran away to hide and keep my feelings to myself for fear of saying the wrong thing or hurting him or myself even. I hated that….it was lonely and miserable..and I don’t know why I did it. But now, I am expected to come to him rather than retreat…and his arms, lap, or kneeling at his feet, those are much warmer, safer, happier places!
    Nope, for us, there is no time out….it just is.

    Great post Shy!


  2. I understand completely because Mistress and I have the same dynamic. I am Her slave 24/7 and it’s how we prefer to be. I’ve been Her slave for a few months but it’s only very recently that we’ve stepped it all up. I’ve never been more content in my life than I am right now.


  3. Although our D/s relationship is new, this is how it is for us as well. Perhaps you read about the conflict on my blog a couple of weeks ago on this very subject. (Well, the conflict was not about this really. This was only the catalyst.)


  4. I’m glad you added the part at the end. You’re relationship with your Dom/Husband is beautiful and amazing. It works so well for you, you are so much better when you are submissive 24/7 and give him all the power. But this just isn’t the case for everyone. For a lot of us, they ARE roles. For many of us, who are envious of your success, giving up complete control would mean not getting anything or anywhere within the journey.

    I’m pretty sure I’ll always have to be the boss of my little world, because if I’m not? No one is. But in the bedroom, when Husband “plays his part”, it is thrilling and satisfying. If that’s all he can give? I accept it. I have to. The alternative is no alternative at all.

    The “break” takers found what works for them. He/she may feel more comfortable working through stressful situations if they are communicating as equals. I know, if I were in my ideal relationship, and I was always concerned about disappointment or unhappiness from my words leading to punishment? I would never communicate. I’d clam up tight as a drum. It’s just a fact. I would need the opportunity to speak to my Husband “outside of my submission”. As a partner. As a friend. NOT as my Sir.

    Some people find ways to do this while still inside their roles. Mr Fox and LK have both talked about their ritual where, even though she is in a submissive stature, she is free to speak her mind. He wouldn’t punish her for things she said during that ritual. That happens to be their version of the break.

    As you said, every relationship is different. The important thing is making it work, finding the right structure, and making sure that both people are always comfortable communicating.

    Know that you are lucky (not that it wasn’t hard work and loaded with emotion, getting there). Know that what you have is incredible, and the fact that you don’t require a time out when you feel the need to be heard speaks volumes about the level of D/s you have been able to obtain.

    May we all find happiness and fulfillment in our individual journeys.


    • Mel, thank you for this comment. I was not trying to offend anyone, or imply that our way is THE way…that is crazy! I’m happy for anyone finding something that works, in all aspects of life. Truly.

      Just to clarify, anytime I speak to my Husband, I AM speaking to my best friend, my husband and my Sir all at once. I would never be punished for speaking my mind or voicing my opinion, with the caveat that I am respectful (not yelling or being mean … Which is actually beneficial to all parties…I tend to be loud).

      I wish you the best on your path, friend, whatever that path is for you! It’d be a crowded walk if we all took the same one, and I’m not much for crowds!

      Big hugs. Catch up soon?


    • Thanks for reading and commenting. =) I looked forward to where we are for a while, and then all of a sudden, I realized this whole thing just IS. Happy transitioning to you.


  5. It’s what I would like, but Daddy is bringing me through in his own way. I get impatient and want it alll now, now, now but have to trust him. Loved this post of yours!


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