Thinking [communication] Thursday

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Communication – such a source of beauty in my life and the biggest thorn in my side!

I try to communicate.  I work very hard to get better at it.  I like to believe that I’ve made progress, but that might just be wishful thinking.  I hear time and time again, D/s is ALL about communication – hell, ANY relationship needs great communication – and I agree whole-heartedly, but it just isn’t that easy for me.  It just isn’t.

Sometimes communicating is like pulling teeth in slow motion – I try to talk and I can’t.  It is both mental and physical:  my head whirs, my heart races, my throat becomes dry, my cheeks get hot, my eyes well up. There are times I can fight through all of that and that hurts, too, but it is better.  Even if the words aren’t happy, I am better for having said them.  There are times, though, that I can’t fight hard enough and I succumb to that suffocating silence.

Sometimes communicating is like a tornado – words flying left and right, destroying everything in their path. My brain checks out and raw, unfiltered emotion takes over – that is never pretty.

Sometimes communicating feels like leaves on the wind – the breeze picks up my thoughts, transforming them into a beautiful dance, before placing them at my Sir’s feet.  I strive for this and fall short so many times.

Then there are the times when I feel that I should not have to say a single word… but the outcome is never as I envisioned it.  These times are the worst.  These times make me feel ignored, sad, misunderstood, not important enough… well, you get the drift. I’m certain my Sir isn’t a fan of these times, either.  He tells me to ALWAYS go to Him if I need or want something.  I try, I want to do that, but sometimes I just don’t think I should have to.  That’s bad, isn’t it?  And that’s completely on me!  There are more times than not that my Sir knows exactly what I need, or want, or feel. I just need to figure out how to let go of that nagging feeling that says I shouldn’t have to say a word.  I am so frustrating! Communication class, anyone?

There are no answers in this post, because I just don’t have them.  There is no resolution to this matter, because I am nowhere near the end.  Apologies to those that read this and feel that I am a broken record – communication is a recurring theme around here and I imagine it always will be.  It may get boring, but it means I am really pushing myself to be a better communicator, a better submissive, a better wife, a better mother, a better person. (I get some points there, surely!)

Happy Thursday – tomorrow is Friday!!

~shygirl

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7 thoughts on “Thinking [communication] Thursday

  1. I really like how you do these posts because you’re showing the real substantive issues we all face. You won’t get any platitudes from me. I either say way too much or barely to nothing at all and both suck. Then we’ll go through that circle where it finally all comes out and we talk through things. Maybe even a breakthrough happens and you’re now in tune only to have a few weeks go by and it seems like it’s starting all over again. Yup, I know.

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    • Thank you. These posts are hard for me to post, and this one made me sad, but it helps to hear from others that understand…or have insight. I’m really feeling “less than” today and I can only write what is in my head.

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  2. Have you tried writing to him? Even forcing yourself to write something privately each day, with no thought of audience and then sharing with himthe ones that end up meaning something important to you? One of my tasks on The List every single day is to write. It’s become a wonderful avenue for us.

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    • You know, I only write to him as a last resort, when spoken words fail me. I’m always texting or emailing something, but nothing of real significance and he has never put writing on my list. This is a really good idea, thank you. I will begin tomorrow .

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