Thinking [communication] Thursday

Communication – such a source of beauty in my life and the biggest thorn in my side!

I try to communicate.  I work very hard to get better at it.  I like to believe that I’ve made progress, but that might just be wishful thinking.  I hear time and time again, D/s is ALL about communication – hell, ANY relationship needs great communication – and I agree whole-heartedly, but it just isn’t that easy for me.  It just isn’t.

Sometimes communicating is like pulling teeth in slow motion – I try to talk and I can’t.  It is both mental and physical:  my head whirs, my heart races, my throat becomes dry, my cheeks get hot, my eyes well up. There are times I can fight through all of that and that hurts, too, but it is better.  Even if the words aren’t happy, I am better for having said them.  There are times, though, that I can’t fight hard enough and I succumb to that suffocating silence.

Sometimes communicating is like a tornado – words flying left and right, destroying everything in their path. My brain checks out and raw, unfiltered emotion takes over – that is never pretty.

Sometimes communicating feels like leaves on the wind – the breeze picks up my thoughts, transforming them into a beautiful dance, before placing them at my Sir’s feet.  I strive for this and fall short so many times.

Then there are the times when I feel that I should not have to say a single word… but the outcome is never as I envisioned it.  These times are the worst.  These times make me feel ignored, sad, misunderstood, not important enough… well, you get the drift. I’m certain my Sir isn’t a fan of these times, either.  He tells me to ALWAYS go to Him if I need or want something.  I try, I want to do that, but sometimes I just don’t think I should have to.  That’s bad, isn’t it?  And that’s completely on me!  There are more times than not that my Sir knows exactly what I need, or want, or feel. I just need to figure out how to let go of that nagging feeling that says I shouldn’t have to say a word.  I am so frustrating! Communication class, anyone?

There are no answers in this post, because I just don’t have them.  There is no resolution to this matter, because I am nowhere near the end.  Apologies to those that read this and feel that I am a broken record – communication is a recurring theme around here and I imagine it always will be.  It may get boring, but it means I am really pushing myself to be a better communicator, a better submissive, a better wife, a better mother, a better person. (I get some points there, surely!)

Happy Thursday – tomorrow is Friday!!

~shygirl