Communication – such a source of beauty in my life and the biggest thorn in my side!
I try to communicate. I work very hard to get better at it. I like to believe that I’ve made progress, but that might just be wishful thinking. I hear time and time again, D/s is ALL about communication – hell, ANY relationship needs great communication – and I agree whole-heartedly, but it just isn’t that easy for me. It just isn’t.
Sometimes communicating is like pulling teeth in slow motion – I try to talk and I can’t. It is both mental and physical: my head whirs, my heart races, my throat becomes dry, my cheeks get hot, my eyes well up. There are times I can fight through all of that and that hurts, too, but it is better. Even if the words aren’t happy, I am better for having said them. There are times, though, that I can’t fight hard enough and I succumb to that suffocating silence.
Sometimes communicating is like a tornado – words flying left and right, destroying everything in their path. My brain checks out and raw, unfiltered emotion takes over – that is never pretty.
Sometimes communicating feels like leaves on the wind – the breeze picks up my thoughts, transforming them into a beautiful dance, before placing them at my Sir’s feet. I strive for this and fall short so many times.
Then there are the times when I feel that I should not have to say a single word… but the outcome is never as I envisioned it. These times are the worst. These times make me feel ignored, sad, misunderstood, not important enough… well, you get the drift. I’m certain my Sir isn’t a fan of these times, either. He tells me to ALWAYS go to Him if I need or want something. I try, I want to do that, but sometimes I just don’t think I should have to. That’s bad, isn’t it? And that’s completely on me! There are more times than not that my Sir knows exactly what I need, or want, or feel. I just need to figure out how to let go of that nagging feeling that says I shouldn’t have to say a word. I am so frustrating! Communication class, anyone?
There are no answers in this post, because I just don’t have them. There is no resolution to this matter, because I am nowhere near the end. Apologies to those that read this and feel that I am a broken record – communication is a recurring theme around here and I imagine it always will be. It may get boring, but it means I am really pushing myself to be a better communicator, a better submissive, a better wife, a better mother, a better person. (I get some points there, surely!)
Happy Thursday – tomorrow is Friday!!