Thinking [those words] Thursday

I’ve been running something through my mind since about 3:30 this morning and I’m going to try to work through it here – it is Thursday, after all.  I’m thinking in swirls and circles so I’ll just jump right in:

to-do-list

My Sir gives me a list of tasks – not daily, but more often than not.  I love it for many reasons:  I know He is thinking of me, I tend to start a lot of things but not finish, lists are just fun, I feel accomplished when I comply with His wishes.  So, I try my best to complete everything and succeed most of the time – even when my days are chock full of other things on my internal list.  I work so hard to do what He asks because my ultimate goal is to make Him happy, and if I’m being completely honest, I ache for His praise.  Sir will usually ask if I’ve done what He’s instructed or He will just make a point to check up on things.  Other times, He will say nothing and I will make sure to mention my awesome direction-following skills.  As much as I love His lists as a way to nurture and demonstrate my submission throughout my days, I also really like the acknowledgment from Him for a job well done.  And those ‘Good Girl’s? They make my heart burst with pride and love because that little phrase somehow solidifies my place in this relationship and validates my submission.  But here’s the thing (oh, you knew there was a thing!):

My ‘Good Girl’s are few and very far between. They are, in fact, so scarce that when those two words leave His lips, I am stunned – almost paralyzed – and totally taken out of whatever situation we are in because I just want to tumble them around in my brain and soul for a while.  We’ve talked briefly about the whys of this, and though I don’t really understand, I know it is not my place to say anything else (except now, of course He will read this).  Instead, I’ve tried to convince myself that perhaps He isn’t comfortable saying this often, or saves it for special occasions, or just tries to switch it up and keep me on my toes.  It could be a combination of all of those things, it could be none of those things.  Part of me knows it really is none of my business since He will say what He likes, when He likes to say it. The other part of me (hello there, crazy Gemini) ends up feeling unworthy of a ‘Good Girl’. I know that I can be difficult, clam up, and run away.  I know that my mouth can be much too loud.  I am fairly certain I rarely deserve ‘good girl’, of course I don’t get to hear it!  Since we started all of this, we are very open and honest so I know He wouldn’t lie and say ‘Good Girl’ just to appease me.  I need to try harder, be better.

All of that should make me appreciate the elusive ‘Good Girl’ even more, shouldn’t it?  My mind knows that, but my newly open and exposed heart hasn’t gotten the memo.  In fact, my mind knows it is a bit silly to put so much weight on two words to begin with, two words that have probably been over used and sensationalized. I feel stupid even wanting to hear them at all.  But this heart of mine wonders why in the world I cannot just be good enough to earn them.  I want to be good, I want to be His Good Girl all the time, I want so much to hear those words. What’s a girl to do?

goodgirl

Before you start thinking that this is on my Sir, or my Sir is being unfair, or some other such nonsense, let me assure you that is absolutely NOT the case.  He, almost constantly, offers me all sorts of praise and is forever complimenting me.  The amount of love and affection He shows me is more than I could ever possibly deserve or repay.  I am very grateful to have such a kind, loving, supportive Husband/Dominant.  Really.  I am not exaggerating for the sake of argument – I mean this from the depths of my soul.

Obviously, the solution is for me to simply get better.  I will work on myself until I am the best submissive I can be, for Him. Meanwhile, I will try to be content with His praise, no matter the words – He is the boss for goodness sake!  But there’s just something about a ‘Good Girl’ that feeds my submissiveness like no other words can…

~shygirl

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Thinking [those words] Thursday

  1. We just had this conversation yesterday, my husband and I. He rarely uses ‘good girl’. He does give compliments and praises, not always for tasks completed, though. I, too, work hard to cross things off my lists and always ask myself if what I’m doing will be pleasing to him. My husband did give a reason. He said those specific words sound as if they should be whispered, or they feel childish or patronizing to me. Maybe it’s because we’re older or we’ve been married since dinosaurs walked the earth, I don’t know. Either way, I’ll be damned if I still can’t wait to hear them. A simple ‘thank you’ should be sufficient, and it is, yet I strive for the ‘good girl’ anyway. I’m happy as hell when I do hear them!

    Also, I think this dynamic makes us feel raw and exposed, a lot. We’ve no defenses anymore and rely totally on them for their attention and assurances, even as we live to be attentive to them. For me, that’s where the feeling of trying so hard and feeling as if I’m always falling just shy of the mark stems from. I’m just really vulnerable all the time and no (or maybe not enough) words of affirmation means I’m not doing well enough in my head (my primary love language, go figure). I’m a work in progress too :-).

    Like

    • You’ve really hit the nail on the head here. I also feel like a ‘thank you’ should most definitely be enough… but I still want the ‘good girl’ and I the same time, feel silly for wanting it! I’ve been married 15 years to this man, why should I crave a phrase so much?!

      Raw and exposed is an understatement sometimes! Your entire second paragraph resonates so much with me. I need words upon words to even think I’m doing OKAY, much less good enough!!

      What a fun little mess of a journey this is – I wouldn’t trade it for anything! =)

      Like

      • I think maybe it’s because it means more than ‘thank you’. It means ‘I see you’ and ‘I feel your intention’ which is much deeper than a simple ‘thank you.’ I see why it could be reserved for more,special circumstances, now that I’ve said that! Damn.

        Like

  2. Let me finally try to reply. Don’t know where my original reply went.

    I don’t get “Good Girl” all the time. Actually, I usually only get it when I’ve gone above and beyond my normal tasks. For all the regular day-to-day, and even the special things he’ll have me do, I will usually only get “thank you,” “good,” “good job,” and once I even got “your rock” (sarcastic day on his part). It’s the proactive…make our life much better…make his life a whole lot easier jobs that “Good Girl” really comes out. I do long for more praise. I took the Love Language test and I scored equally with Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. If I get both at the same time I am in orbit. His words mean the world to me. I wear my heart on my sleeve more than ever and being so vulnerable the need to hear his approval can take the crappiest day and make it memorable.

    Like

    • I’m not particularly wanting a ‘good girl’ for things I’ve completed or tasks he’s given…I just would like it for something, a little more often. I don’t know. I haven’t taken the love language test, but that’d be interesting.

      Like

  3. What you said…”I ache for his praise”…that it exactly! Youre not alone…the good girl doesnt come with everything….but when I do get that…it makes me all melty inside!

    Like

    • Melty – yes! I wouldn’t want a ‘good girl’ all the time, that would make it less impactful, I think. A little less scarce would be nice, but I know my Sir is steering this ship and that course isn’t mine to choose.

      Like

Tell me something

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s