Thinking [new to old] Thursday

As I sit here, in a quiet, darkened room, I am thinking about my Sir and our dynamic and how much things have changed. I wanted this 24/7 dynamic so badly, but I’m not going to lie, sometimes it’s difficult. Sometimes… I just want to run and throw those walls back up! Over the past year or two, I’ve read so many articles and blogs about what D/s is to various people… some resonate, some don’t really.  So today, I’ve written a letter, a list, to the old me, from today’s me. You follow that?

[note: this is our D/s…I’m sure yours looks a lot different. In no way am I implying that our way is THE way…whatever floats your boat suits me just fine]

shygirl-
You will thrive in a D/s dynamic if…

1.  You like honesty. I’m not talking sweet honesty…I’m talking brutally raw, heart-wrenching, soul-freeing honesty. It hurts. It heals. It is an absolute must.

2.  You are tired of all the boxes and hard lines. All of those lines may not be erased, but they will blur and distort. Many will disappear forever, leaving you shocked and amazed…and very vulnerable.

3.  You enjoy being pushed. Not just a little push. I mean, REALLY pushed…to the point of tears and begging. You might hate the actual pushing, but when you overcome the obstacle and are on the other side of it you will be proud and ecstatic.

4.  You feel compelled to put your Husband’s wants and needs before your own…every second of every day. This is easy to do, because His wants and needs are very much centered around what is good for you, as a submissive.

5.  You have an ingrained need to be held accountable. Because you are going to be. You will be held accountable for everything you do, everything you say, every look you give, every word you write. Own it.

6.  You like bruises. No, not the kind from abuse. The bruises you have will be cherished reminders of sexy nights, sure. But more than that, these bruises will be tangible evidence of His control. You will be very sad when they disappear.

7.  You enjoy pants problems…the sort of problems that have you wet and throbbing for days, weeks, months on end. This will be your new normal. Get accustomed to it quickly because no matter how much sex you have, you will always be ready for more.

8. You want sex on sex on sex. You will get it. You will crave it. You will use all sorts of fun toys, or none at all, and you will love every second.

9.  You don’t require much sleep. Even though you LOVE sleep, you would much rather stay up talking or fucking or taking photos. Stock up on coffee!

10.  You have the ultimate level of trust for your Sir. You will need this because you will no longer have a shell. Your feelings will be tender, you will have no defenses – you won’t need any with Him. You will draw strength from this trust.

11.  You enjoy learning and growing. You will learn so much about yourself – not all of it will be pleasant so you’re going to have to change and grow. Cherish the evolution!

12. You like to be happy. You better like it because you will be the happiest you have ever been in your life! I know, you’ve been extremely happy and have had a wonderful marriage, but trust me, this will be a whole new level of happy! Enjoy it.

13.  You love to be IN love. You are going to fall madly in love with your husband over and over. He will surprise you at every turn and you will swoon at his Dominance.

14.  Finally, you don’t mind hard work. You will work through blood, sweat, and tears. Some days, you will want to throw in the towel and say nevermind to the whole damn thing. But you won’t, because you know in your heart of hearts you are right where you are meant to be. Every internal battle, every miscommunication, every backwards step you take is worth it.

This is your life, this is how 24/7 D/s manifests for you and your Sir. This is who you always were always meant to be – your Sir’s submissive. You belong to Him. No matter what, you can never forget that.
Don’t fret…your Sir won’t ever let you forget. 😉

~shygirl

Happy Thursday!

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…and she qualifies!

Definition:
qualify:  make (a statement or assertion) less absolute; add reservations to.

I qualify most everything.  Seriously, almost every decent thing I say about myself is accompanied with fine print.  A little something like this:

“Here’s a photo – ignore my __________ (insert issue of the hour).”

“Great photo!!!  Too bad I’m in it.”

“I love this product, but I’m odd so….”

“I wrote this, but please skip over any errors, I was [tired, distracted, busy].”

“I like playing _______, sorry I suck.”

“Oh, you enjoyed dinner?  I’m glad because I messed up __________ .”

When I notice this happening multiple times each day, I become a little sick with myself… and quite a bit sad, too.  Not to even mention how annoying this must be to those around me.  ACK!  I try to rein it in, but I just cannot accept a compliment without trying to disprove it.  I also do not like the idea of anyone thinking I am bragging or LOOKING for a compliment.  *shudder*

I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember, but only recently has it begun to bother me. Only since the implementation of a D/s dynamic has it even crossed my mind that all this qualifying might not be a good thing.  So, why do I do it?  I suppose it all boils down to self-esteem.  Mine has always been pretty low.

Even though…

My Husband has always tried His best to help boost my esteem, but since adding Sir to His list of titles, the efforts have been more…serious, demanding, forceful.  I’d like to think I’ve gotten some bit better.  I, at least, have moments where I feel pretty good about me.

And then there’s the fact that these last few months, my sweet, sexy Cailin has seen so much of me and has told me many of the same things my Sir has been saying for 17 years.  [I need to just pause this post for a moment to let that sentence resonate.  It’s mind-blowingly big!]  So, truly, I should be cured, right?  I have confidence now, my self-esteem is no longer warped, and I don’t feel compelled to qualify everything, right?!

W.R.O.N.G.

Now… mostly… I just think TWO people are crazy or blind!  😉  kidding.  My self esteem is a bit better – or is that my will power?  I try to ignore the bitch in my head constantly criticizing my thighs, my face, my voice, my self. Some days I do a GREAT job, other days she just yells too loudly.  I think the good days are beginning to outnumber the critical days, but I still cannot get away from qualifying everything.

Why?

Using qualifiers and disclaimers is maybe one of the last walls I have left standing.  It is a nice protective shell around my feelings.  Because… if I point out my obvious flaws (whether they are there or not is a post unto itself) before others have a chance to… NO ONE CAN HURT ME!  TaDaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Since this whole D/s thing entered my life, I have been knocking down walls left and right – some happily and some with many tears.  I have opened up in ways I never thought possible.  I have grown as a better wife, submissive, mom… hell, I’m a much better person than I was this time last year. My Sir has ALWAYS been my world and we have had such a happy, sex-filled, wonderful life together – D/s has just made everything brighter and much more focused.  We are home.

I still have quite a bit of fine-tuning to do – lots of things to work on!  But if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living so I’m happy to keep laboring away.  So!  Today is the day that I will try to stop qualifying my words, thoughts, pictures, life.  Maybe it will be okay – from time to time – for the people in my life to know I’m actually NOT horrible at everything, that my thighs are NOT as big as a cow’s, and that the food I make is sometimes really good.

Happy Saturday, Happy Weekend, Happy Life!

~shygirl

This post was originally intended to be a Thursday post, but it was more exploratory than I realized and I’ve worked through some things while writing it. I think an under-the-radar slide into Saturday is the better way to go.