days like this…

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Dammit all to hell, but this is how I’m feeling today. I feel stuck, and a little lost, and a lot less than hopeful.

I spend so much energy trying to be positive, trying to put good Karma out there.

I wish. I hope. I pray. I bargain. I plead. I stew. I plot. I think. I dream. I want. I need. I beg. I cry. I pout. I scream. I get angry. I get determined. I get sad.

Everything I do, everything I try, seems to fall on the universe’s deaf ears.

In these 37 years of mine, I really haven’t asked the world for a lot. I always try to be thankful for everything I have. I am not a selfish girl, I try to be kind, I try to do good. I may fuss a bit, but I really try to make the best of the cards I’m dealt.

I HATE asking for anything and I know the world owes me nothing, but I need a favor now. I really need for the stars to align, for ‘the plan’ to be revealed. Because, quite frankly, I cannot take a lifetime of this – Physically, mentally, emotionally – cannot take it.

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I am trying to be patient and hopeful, but today, I feel like it is a waste of time. Today, I feel like I have no power.
Today, I feel like I’m swinging at air.
Today, I feel like I’m standing all alone. Today, I feel like it is just a pipe dream. Today, I feel like the ones in charge just won’t or can’t.
Today, I feel fresh out of fight.
Today, I am tired and sad.

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I don’t much like the me today, so I will try to suck it up. I will try to find the strength to overcome the can’t and the won’t. I will try to find the wherewithal to stand against this status quo and do something. I will try to climb this mountain all by myself, so that I may convince the rest it is worth it.

Because, dammit, this is worth it… worth every ounce of strength that I have (and some I’ve yet to discover).

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Edited to add: I’m pulling myself up and stumbled upon this. Yes.
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~shygirl

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9 thoughts on “days like this…

  1. I have had a lot of days and weeks like this. Hang in there. I have some great fellow bloggers that help me, so in the interest of paying it forward, if you need anything feel free to get in touch.

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  2. Shy, there are just things in your life over which you don’t have control, it’s very frustrating, I know. I’ve driven myself nearly insane in years past trying to control things I couldn’t, because they weren’t mine to control. I hope you find some strength and peace about this soon 🙂

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  3. I know I am not you. I know our experiences are so vastly different and even though as I read the words you have written I find myself nodding my head feeling as though you had been secretly hiding inside my skull writing down all that I was thinking and feeling, there is no way I know exactly how you are feeling. Asking for help is the hardest thing for me to do. When I write as you have written it is in hopes someone will reach out and understand and want to give comfort. Even though the words you write feel as though they are a reflection from within me, I know they are not. You are writing your story. This is who you are today. Tomorrow maybe you will feel differently or maybe not. Regardless, let yourself feel, experience and if you need an understanding shoulder I am also extending the offer to get in touch. Email me, rant, scream, cry, wallow. I won’t tell you not to feel that way. I’ll be there to listen. Even though our journeys are different, what I’m trying to say is we are never completely alone. Sometimes all you have to do is turn your head to find a sister or brother climbing that mountain with you.

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    • Also, someone once told me, that life isn’t about the destination, it is about the journey. When I changed my outlook from the destination to my journey, and started viewing each bump in the road as an experience in my journey, I stopped reacting and started responding and stopped trying to control everything. Sometimes the surprises along the way though at first may appear troublesome end up being the best experiences of our lives.

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      • Thank you for the kind words. Sir has the control, but when there are things out of even HIS control… it can get a bit hard to deal with. I’m working on it!

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  4. I think we all have days like this or even periods of time in our lives when we feel like this. It can be hard to ask for help, and I think as submissives it might be even harder because we’re so used to taking care of others. Sometimes we feel like the universe is shitting on us, but I’m a firm believer that we get stronger because of the things we think are dragging us down. We might not feel that strength right away, and we might not know the reasons we’re dealing with a shitstorm right away, might not ever know the why, but we do get stronger. Sending positive thoughts your way.

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