days like this…

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Dammit all to hell, but this is how I’m feeling today. I feel stuck, and a little lost, and a lot less than hopeful.

I spend so much energy trying to be positive, trying to put good Karma out there.

I wish. I hope. I pray. I bargain. I plead. I stew. I plot. I think. I dream. I want. I need. I beg. I cry. I pout. I scream. I get angry. I get determined. I get sad.

Everything I do, everything I try, seems to fall on the universe’s deaf ears.

In these 37 years of mine, I really haven’t asked the world for a lot. I always try to be thankful for everything I have. I am not a selfish girl, I try to be kind, I try to do good. I may fuss a bit, but I really try to make the best of the cards I’m dealt.

I HATE asking for anything and I know the world owes me nothing, but I need a favor now. I really need for the stars to align, for ‘the plan’ to be revealed. Because, quite frankly, I cannot take a lifetime of this – Physically, mentally, emotionally – cannot take it.

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I am trying to be patient and hopeful, but today, I feel like it is a waste of time. Today, I feel like I have no power.
Today, I feel like I’m swinging at air.
Today, I feel like I’m standing all alone. Today, I feel like it is just a pipe dream. Today, I feel like the ones in charge just won’t or can’t.
Today, I feel fresh out of fight.
Today, I am tired and sad.

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I don’t much like the me today, so I will try to suck it up. I will try to find the strength to overcome the can’t and the won’t. I will try to find the wherewithal to stand against this status quo and do something. I will try to climb this mountain all by myself, so that I may convince the rest it is worth it.

Because, dammit, this is worth it… worth every ounce of strength that I have (and some I’ve yet to discover).

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Edited to add: I’m pulling myself up and stumbled upon this. Yes.
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~shygirl

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it isn’t personal, but it is

donttakeitpersonal nooffensebut

Don’t take this personally…

No offense, but…

I really hate these statements.  When I say hate, I mean HATE.  If you have to preface what you are about to say with either of those phrases, I know that what follows behind will be nothing but offensive and personal. My hackles raise immediately and I become defensive before the real subject is broached. I’d much rather hear… “hey, this is pretty offensive and might hurt you, but I feel the need to say it anyway…”. Let’s call a spade a spade and be done with it.

While I’m at it, I also get really irked by the statement “you take things too personally”. 
Hey! Guess what? I’m a PERSON. When things happen or are said that affect me, as a PERSON, how would you propose I take it? Face it, some things can only be taken personally.  Some things just aren’t a group thing, or a world thing, or a bird thing, or a hypothetical thing, or an abstract thing. Whether folks want to admit it or not, some things can only be taken personally.  Oh sure, maybe what is happening is due to the fact that you’ve had a bad day or your head is preoccupied with a million things (like mine is, often)… but if your actions affect me… it. is. personal. Perhaps I am not the CAUSE of the said action/words, but if the EFFECT is that it AFFECTS me… it has become personal. And you better believe I’m going to take it that way.  Why?  Well I have these things called feelings (barely manageable feelings, at that, here lately) and a strong need to make sure my own little world is running like a well-oiled machine, harmonious and happy. So I will take every slight, every word, every unwelcomed action… personally… until, as a caring person, I can figure out how to make it better.

Don’t you worry, I haven’t forgotten for one second that I’m not the boss around here (or anywhere) – the lovely bruises on my ass wouldn’t let me if I tried. Maybe you think that if the masses tell me it isn’t personal, I should leave well enough alone. My response to you would be… I hear you, but it feels personal.  It is affecting me, as a person.  Therefore, in my head and my life, it is personal. I can either run and hide (hello, instinct!) or try to fix it, even if the thing isn’t mine to fix. And so, I will quietly try to remedy what I don’t even understand. It may be a losing battle, but at the very least, maybe my mind will be able to focus on something other than the ache in my heart.

But seriously… don’t take this personally.

~shygirl