less effortless

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I really hate things (relationships, feelings-blech!) being unequal or feeling lopsided. (Yea, I’ve talked about this before, but it’s a thing!) Friendships – heck, even work relationships/acquaintances – have always been so taxing for me because I give my all: I give my time and worry and help and attention but it’s never really reciprocated in full, leaving me weary and wary and plain worn out.

I am fully aware that this is my fault. I have no business getting so attached or letting myself grow dependent on things that are seemingly impossible to maintain. The novelty always wears off for everyone but me. Unequal and lopsided becomes pathetic and one-sided with a quickness.

I am not sure where to begin to change this fundamental nature of mine, so the solution has become avoidance of people. Which is actually pretty tough because people are everywhere, man! I need to find a better way to…well…to not be how I am. Thinking about it overwhelms me…so I retreat and block.

Welcome to Monday! Ain’t nobody got time for that, though. So…

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That is the absolute best I can come up with (thanks, Kurt). I’m putting my hands up, throwing in the towel, frantically waving the white flag. For the time being, I just don’t can’t care. If you see me around, let’s talk about the weather or sex or music or jokes… something my brain doesn’t have to fully engage in!! Ok? Thanks!

~shygirl

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