thinking [lists, songs, issues] thursday

I’ve been writing a lot. My drafts folder on here is filled with various things… good and bad, sexy and bland. My notebooks have many half-finished posts, tear-laden rants and questions galore. Nothing I feel like publishing just yet… nothing particularly uplifting or insightful. However, I am in a writing mood – a funky, not-so-good mood. And because I’m ALWAYS in a singing mood, and a list making mood, I’m going to, once again, go with what I know. And while I am going with what I know, I’m going to beat a dead horse or two. If you don’t like redundancy, or music, or bad words… you may want to leave now. 
image

Okay… let’s see where this goes:

1.

Today, I am two weeks post-op. I am much better than I have been but nowhere near where I want to be. I’m still lopsided and swollen. My boobs ache, my nipples are constantly hard (to the point where it’s painful), and my incisions are stingy and stabby. I know those I love, that love me, haven’t run away, but it feels that way a lot. Some roads you just have to walk alone. My Cailin is sort of walking down the same road with me… though hers is gravel, while mine is paved… and she, rightfully, has to focus on her own travels. Sir is fantastic, but he just doesn’t know (he doesn’t have this equipment)!

2.

This song is currently my jam! You can find me rocking out… bass thumping… driving around in my car. I put it here though because of the line “and I’m gonna show ya what’s really crazy”. These past weeks I feel so damn crazy. Everything has shifted and changed. Things I could depend on, that really made my days much brighter have kind of fallen by the wayside. Oh, I knew it would come eventually. I did. I expected it. I just didn’t expect it all at once, during at time I needed them most. I know I am being a baby. I really do know that… infantile and needy and dependent delicate… but I just can’t help it. I feel what I feel… even though I really hate feeling this way.
image

3.

Ahhh… time. After listening to these songs, not much else needs to be said.
I do not want to waste my time, or others to waste my time, on things that aren’t really true. I have trust issues. And worth issues. And all sorts of other issues that bring these feelings up often.
But then there are days I feel like nothing can stop. Fuck the world and halfass anything, life is too damn short:
“Time is on my bad side. Halfway there just wouldn’t be fair so I’m going all the way tonight”
image

4.

This song is for my Cailin. Though she is far away, I sing it to her all the time. The following especially speaks to me:

Well I don’t think
She knows
How she changed all my plans

The things that I thought would last
Well, they’re fading, they’re fading
The feelings ,I used to have
Well, they’re changing, they’re changing

She has really flipped my world upside down in the best possible way. I miss her with all of my being and am always so thankful that she is in my life, that God brought us together. Because if I know one thing… this was certainly no accident.

Well…

Looks like this is a short list. I’m hungry, Sir is home with sushi and I need some loving. I’m feeling rather lost tonight and my compass, my anchor, my tree is finally here.

Happy Thursday!
~shygirl

Advertisements

thinking [solid] thursday

I’ve done many a post about how our D/s dynamic is a lifestyle/not a game/24-7/etc. I have felt strongly in each one and believed, whole-heartedly, every single word I typed on the subject. I’ve also mentioned multiple times that I worry about anything and everything! So, it may stand to reason that I was a little concerned about having surgery and being down for a little while… would it interrupt this dynamic? would we revert to what our life was like a few years ago? would we be able to get back on track if that happened?

favoriteplace

Once again, I worried for nothing! There has not been one single moment where the dynamic wasn’t felt. He is still the boss. He has been [mostly] wonderful taking care of me and putting up with my whiney days and my sleepless nights. He has stood near and witnessed my morning meltdowns, complete with sobbing and questions and nausea. He has consoled me. He has reassured me. He has lifted my spirits. He has loved me. He has also been firm in his directions, steadfast in sending me tasks, unequivocal in his expectations. He has made me feel desirable on even my lowest days. He has given me what I need, He has allowed me a few missteps, He has kept my head in the right place (as much as he could, that’s always an uphill battle).

I’m a week out from the new boobs. I didn’t think I’d be feeling like this, truth be told, and I am quite over it. I am still hurting, I walk like an old lady, I am swollen all around, my boobs are lopsided, I can’t sleep… blah blah blah. I’m told (repeatedly, by my Sir and by my Little Bird) all of the bad will fade and I’ll be left with boobs that I can touch and not be embarrassed of. I will be glad when that day comes, but this week I’ve learned something far more valuable than boobs of any kind… I can never, ever again doubt that this lifestyle is here to stay. We’ve got this on lock, and that, my friends, is worth everything!

having it all

Happy Thursday!
~shygirl