These days I often wonder, ‘What the fuck am I doing?!’
I wonder about everything and nothing…
What the fuck am I doing with my hair?
What the fuck am I doing as a parent?
What the fuck am I doing for dinner?
What the fuck am I doing as a wife?
What the fuck am I doing today?
What the fuck am I doing as His sub?
Just an all-encompassing WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING?!
Some days I can answer with a ‘who knows, but you’re doing okay’. Other days, I can answer with ‘not sure lady, but you should step it up’. Then there are the days when the only answer I can summon is a very tearful ‘I don’t fucking know’.
Today is that day. I just don’t fucking know. I know what I WANT to be doing, I know how I WANT to be… but I’ve dropped the ball and I have no clue where it rolled off to. I do know I’m sick to death of feelings that are beyond my control.
And I’m so very tired of not being able to keep my head above water.
Tomorrow is a new day, but this day isn’t done. I still have time to figure out what the fuck I’m doing… So I will get to it.
“so if you’re lonely, why’d you say you’re not lonely…?”