“We learn to stand up and just to walk away,
Sometimes the cold hearts aren’t worth the love or the hate.
Learn to let go, learn to walk away.
Up from the shadows I’m seduced by the light of the flame,
But this time I’m here to stay.”
-Rise Against, A Beautiful Indifference
I just don’t know when to walk away and I really don’t know how to let go.
I don’t know how to find a happy medium between not caring and nothing but feelings. I’m usually at one end or the other. It is a lifelong struggle, and I am afraid it will become my fatal flaw.
And so it goes, that I am supposed to use my words. I am to talk it out, let people know, not let things become THINGS. Sigh. The problem with that is – I don’t know when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut. And I get it wrong almost every. single. time.
I get stuck! My brain gets stuck on these things! Moments or phrases, seemingly unimportant to anyone else involved, linger and taunt, until I can no longer think straight. They play on a continuous loop in my head, casting shadows on anything good. Pushed aside for a few blissful moments here or there, but always in the back of my mind and on the tip of my tongue.
Here’s the deal: I want people to understand. I want them to acknowledge what I feel is real. I guess what I want is validation. And when that moment never comes, when I am forced to accept that no one will see things the way I see them, I feel a little hopeless and I get a little lost.
I do not expect the world to agree with me, or feel how I feel. I do not think I’m right all, or even most (or hell, even half!), of the time. I admit I’m a mess, but when I have feelings about something, I’d like them to be recognized and comprehended, at least every now and again. I realize that’s quite a tall order… and far too much to ask or expect. At least I am aware of that and I’m not totally bonkers!
But for now, I find myself trapped in this place, not knowing how to silence these overwhelming things in my head. I have no clue how to let it go, without giving up or blocking or numbing entirely.
It’s time. I have to figure it out, because this shit is weighing me down.
“If you let go a little, you will have a little peace. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of peace.” ~Ajahn Chah
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