thinking [brief respite] thursday

I am kneeling on the bed, waiting for Sir to shower. Tonight, I cannot quiet my brain. I fidget with my hair. I crack my knuckles. I shift back and forth. I open and close my knees. I take loud, impatient breaths. I think about everything except what I should be focused on. I see the toys in front of me. I see His belt. I should be looking at this lovely, teasing display with delighted anticipation. I should be able to clear everything else from my mind. Most times, I can. Normally when I am kneeling, it is only Sir. It is beautiful and quiet and humble and right.

But tonight, I am a mess.

I hear the water shut off, and then the shower door open… I panic a little. I panic because, while I’ve technically done what I am supposed to do, I’ve only just barely succeeded. I am a disappointment to myself. But now I hear the shower door close, and I try to get it together but quick. I focus on what He is going to do to me, with me. I am as still as a statue. I take measured breaths. I try with all my might to get my head in the game, but I am struggling. Dammit. I’m usually pretty good in the clutch.

When He steps out, He will have questions and I want to be able to answer them honestly. I want to please Him with my obedience, with my humbleness, with my devotion. He exits the bathroom and asks, “Are you aching for me?” I quietly say Yes, Sir. You see, He made me ache all day, keeping me on edge, but at this moment, right this second, am I truly aching? I should be. I should still be dripping with want. But I have allowed my brain and heart to be consumed with things outside of Sir.

Sir hears my quiet answer and repeats His question. I try to speak a little louder, more convincing, but I’m pretty sure I add a mumbled ‘I don’t know’ in for good measure. I want to be honest. I have a lot of faults… sometimes I think I am only faults… but I try to be honest always. I hope I am not ruining this night, but Sir sees through me, He must know I am still in my sad swirly head, because He knocks me back on the bed and pins my arms above my head.

You are mine.

I mutter a quiet Yes, Sir (speak up, girl!)… Why am I still in my head?! Sir is right here, taking care of me, but I am worrying big over something I cannot change. Right now, I need to be taken away because I am starting to question my worth to Sir, too. I feel close to drowning in all the murky water of self-doubt – Out to sea in the cold, black ocean of despair. I’m not sure which way is up. I am treading water and swimming, because I have to ‘just keep swimming’ if I want to stay afloat. Sir tightens his grip on my arms, His face lowers even closer and he growls (I love the growly voice, I do).

You. Are. Mine.

I automatically say Yes Sir, but now, His words are the life boat coming to my rescue. I see the light. He is saving me from myself. I am not drowning! No, now I am floating in the clouds. Just like that. His words take everything from my mind. There is only Him. I exist in this moment for Sir alone.

He uses the toys and chokes me with His belt. The sex is mind-blowing, the orgasms rolling…explosive…plentiful. This night is raw and hard and glorious. I am settled for now, I am loved, I am content. I know that I may not be much of anything, but I am His, and that makes me the luckiest girl alive.

Happy Thursday.
~shygirl

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always singing

This is a great video and the lyrics speak for themselves… they certainly speak to me. Enjoy.

“…So I like to keep my issues drawn…”
~shygirl

“Shake It Out” by Florence + The Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

they do it all the time

“You can’t do it every night.”
“You cannot be horny all of the time.”
Or my favorite…
“I prefer quality over quantity.”

Yes, I’ve actually heard these things and may I just say – bitch, please (that’s in my best SNL impression voice)!! 😉

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I have always had a very high sex drive, and while I’m not actively horny every minute of every day, well… mostly I am. There was a time that Sir preferred sort of an ‘every third day’ sex schedule. That didn’t work well for me, but He was working easily 65 – 80 hours per week – we were both unhappy with that whole situation. It was very difficult, as a family and as a couple. Finally He became self-employed, then we began living a 24/7 D/s lifestyle… and our entire world changed!

For the last few years, we’ve had sex every night (and days too, sometimes). Every. Single. Night. This last year, we only missed nights of fucking when I was out of town a few times. If we are together, we have sex. We fuck through illness and sharks and headaches and injuries and exhaustion. Every. Single. Day.

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I know that probably wouldn’t work for some people, but it works really well for us. Plus, I’ve learned a few things during these years of nightly sex…

1. The more sex you have, the more you want.

2. Sex is the best medicine. The best mood lifter. The best connector. The best sleep aid. The best drug. The best therapist. The best.

3. Orgasms never get boring. Never!

4. You will not die from dozens of orgasms, but you’d be quite content to do so.

5. There are an infinite number of ways to fuck. No two encounters are exactly the same.

6. You can absolutely have quality AND quantity. Also, yes please to both!

7. Having sex every day gives ample opportunity to try all the things.

8. Men can have multiple orgasms, on a pretty regular basis.

9. Love grows exponentially, minute by minute.

10. Attention to detail is key.

11. Variety really is the spice of life.

12. No one in this universe understands my every nuance like Sir does.

13. Anticipation remains, night after night. Sex is never a ‘chore’.

14. Being ‘too tired’ is not a thing.

15. Words bind tighter than any rope.

16. Sir and I are funny and inventive people.

17. There are benefits to long sessions and also to quickies. I love them equally, in different ways.

18. Fucking is still my favorite activity.

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Happy Tuesday!!
~shygirl