…and sometimes still.

I am submissive.
To my core.
Through and through.
To my Sir, my Husband.

I am also human.
And I get angry.
Really, blood-boiling, seeing-red, brand of angry.
Sometimes toward my Sir.
Gasp!

image

(This is one of my favorite Little Critter books)

In our former structure – before all the D/s and rules and such – my anger would take over.
Briefly.
I’d yell and throw.
Scream and say hateful things.
And I’d feel better.
I’d get it out and I would feel some better!
Kinda like…
But now…
When I get angry, I have to keep my head about me.
Yelling and disrespect simply isn’t appropriate.
It’s definitely not tolerated.
Oh, I can be mad..
I’m allowed to feel however I feel.
So I may get as mad as I want, but I cannot vent it like I used to.

This is a problem.
Being mad at Sir is a problem in and of itself.
Especially when the anger stems from disappointment.
I hate myself a little when I am angry with Him.
He is the leader.
He is the boss.
So feeling that anger feels like a ship lost at sea.
And feeling lost?
It compounds the anger.
There is no easy release valve like before.

Instead, we talk about it.
Eyeroll.
I let Him know why I’m upset, He listens.
It is always some tiny little nothing, that happened to rub me the wrong way.
In the moment, though, it is big and worthy.
I try to sneak a little snark by.
I shut doors a little too hard, I walk with heavier steps.
I huff and I puff…
But it fizzles out.
Because I cannot yell.
I’ll be honest, it’s really frustrating!
It is frustrating to stay humble when I want to scream.
It is annoying to remain respectful when my tongue wants to slice.
It, on occasion, takes all of my self control to even stand before Him and behave.

I wish I didn’t get angry over stupid ass things.
I do it less, surely that counts for something.
But anger is a normal emotion.
I am alive.
I am semi-normal.
I’m bound to get upset with the one I love the most.
I hope I continue to handle it better and better.
I hope Sir sees the progress.
I hope He forgives the backwards steps now and again.
I love and respect Him.
He is everything to me and does so much for me, us.

Oh, but there are those days –
I just want to yell!

It’s Monday!
~shygirl

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3 thoughts on “…and sometimes still.

  1. I think it just fits where it fits. I am submissive no matter how I’m feeling… Angry, sad, happy, scared. Sir does not want a robot. (Well robots are pretty cool, but he doesn’t want ME to be one!) So I think… We are what we are. Submissive humans that make mistakes and learn and grow… And sometimes want to yell. So when I get angry, even when I lament the fact that I may not yell, I am still submissive, I still have blue eyes, I am still the same height. I know no other way to be than human.

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