thinking [countdowns] thursday

Today, I’ve started a lot of posts. Broken things, orgasms, comfort, moments… But my mind just will not focus on one.

I am a mess of emotions. It can be hard to write when I feel so much at once.

Soon (God, I hope soon), this transition period will be over…living amongst boxes and uncertainty is stealing my essence.

I’m sad and stressed and just kind of living for the next thing. Passing the days in the space between moments.

Counting down to afternoon coffee, to Sir getting home, to bath time, to bedtime. It leaves my days rather lacking. I do the things I must do. I function. That is the best I can say.

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But, when Sir takes over… I can breathe (even if it’s through tears). I can let go and just be me. I can cry and fuss, I can get it out. We play games. Sir brushes my hair and rubs my shoulders for an hour (or two), while we watch television. It’s a silly little ritual, but one that I love so much.

Then it’s off to bed… But not to sleep, not yet. It’s time to get dirty, primal. It’s time for me to give, to be used. Sir gives too. We give and we take…sometimes there are bruises and leashes and all of the things. Other times, it is just us… Animals. No need for fear or worry. Heaven.

When it’s time for sleep, I get collared and cuffed and curl up in my home. On occasion, I drift off and sleep all night. More often, I fall hard and greet 2:00am with all the thoughts there are to think and countdown until morning.

And begin again.

Today, as I start the countdown to bath, I am so very weary. This has been a long stretch of utter shit…at least five bad months…well over a year for some of it. It’s enough to drive a girl mad! But even through all of this mess, I am extremely thankful to Sir for everything He does. I’m not sure I could’ve stayed sane through any of this without His firm hand and love (or 24/7 D/s, for that matter).

Happy Thursday… Two hours til bath time!!

~shygirl

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what became

Seven became five
Became three
Two
One

Sporadic

Two became three
Became four
Five
Six

Endless

Like became lust
Became infatuation
Passion
Love

Overwhelming

Thoughts became uncertain
Became confusing
Resignation
Lost

Temporary

Chaos became standard
Became everything
Normal
Truth

Unyielding

Pain became pleasure
Became release
Safety
Freedom

Solace

Days became months
Became years
Found
Life

Love eternal

~shygirl

thinking [hard out here] thursday

Sometimes, the times are just hard.
A swirling mass of change with everything in the air.
Living in limbo.
Not knowing what’s happening, when or where.
Should I speak, maybe silence is better.
Who is there, who isn’t really.
Walking through the thickest of fog, no sense of direction.
The only light is Sir.
But even Sir gets lost in the dark on occasion.
When both are lost, we hold hands and power through.
That’s the only choice.
He leads, I follow.
I try to rise in my submission.
He dominates.
We gather strength.
Every word, every task, every look, every bruise, every touch becomes my compass.
He calms me down.
I try to lift Him up.
I want to be strong.
I want to rise above.
I will. I do.
Even when it takes a minute, I rise.
Because of Sir.
For Sir.
I need to rise now, when things are so heavy.
I feel a little broken, a little less me, without my muchness.
He lifts me. He always lifts me.
But maybe that’s too much.
Maybe that’s not fair.
But it’s how we are.
I’m so thankful, even in the midst of this disarray.
How would this go without 24/7 D/s?!
I’m glad not to never find out.
For tonight, I shall breathe and serve.

Happy Thursday… At least it’s almost over!
~shygirl