thinking [broken in] thursday

We have a brand spanking new house. This is actually our third brand new house, but this one was an extended two year test of patience (which I absolutely failed most days). The stress of this house brought me to my breaking point, repeatedly, and affected many aspects of my life… job, friendship, parenting… my subbie mind was overwhelmed in the worst possible way. We moved the end of November, started on Thanksgiving, actually. For months and months, everything was quite taxing… every new day seemed to add more worry and struggle.

We made it through, mostly, and this house finally feels like home… but we’ve still been in that “walking on eggshells” phase. You know, that thing where a slight blemish on the wall requires immediate paint, mopping is still sort of fun, and it takes weeks to hang anything on the wall because those are permanent HOLES, man!
Maybe you don’t know this insanity, but this is how we do –
Until we don’t.

The other morning I was completing a task for Sir – a chore, nothing sexy – when I dropped a nearly full bottle of Bailey’s on the floor. The glass obliterated into a million little shards, and the liquor spilled everywhere. After about thirty minutes of cleaning the mess, I saw it…
A chip in the floor tile right in front of the sink.
I cried. Of course I did.
I took one step on the path of “I fuck everything up” and then took off running: “Not only the tile, I fuck everything up – relationships, words, feelings…”
Ugh.
I texted Sir a picture of the mess and told Him I chipped the tile. I apologized and I cried until He replied.
You know what? He didn’t even care. His only concern was that I was okay and hadn’t cut myself.
So I inhaled.
I held the air in for a bit, thinking all the ugly things about myself, but then…
I exhaled and I let it go!
I said, outloud, to myself…

Fuck it. We really live here now.

🙂 little steps, happy little steps.
Happy Thursday!!
~shygirl

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firewater

The ground opened up
and swallowed me whole
plunged into the fire,
not sure where to go

Air thick with ash
I couldn’t catch my breath
Wandering through the days
An ugly living death

Every waking moment
Wanting to move along
Memories cutting open
Repeating like a song

The hope just flew away
Prices to be paid
Falling to my knees
Praying to be saved

Heeding the message:
Learn to forgive.
Eyes finally opened
I wanted to live

The sky opened up
A deluge of rain
Fell out of nowhere
Washed away the pain

All that was lost
Now flooded the fire
Cleansing water around me
Lifted me higher

Swimming toward the surface
Finally breathing deep
Floating on my back
This I will keep

~shygirl

be something

Be careful who you turn to
When you sink into the pit
Be careful whose advice you heed
When it all turns right to shit

Be mindful of the people
That encourage all your dread
Be mindful when no one tells you
Perhaps it’s all in your head

Be cautious of the words
Used to fuel your fire
Be cautious of the hatred
Thrown down from the choir

Be selective when you’re choosing
Those to hold your thoughts
Be selective in believing
Their lies and tangled knots

Be open when you notice
Maybe you were wrong
Be open to understanding
The roads are very long

Be sorry when you’ve hurt
Those that loved your soul
Be sorry that you took no time
Before dealing the final blow

Be humble when you recognize
The fault is all in you
Be humble and apologize
Because the fault is in me, too.

~shygirl