thinking [wordsworthless] thursday

image

I know, you’re probably thinking “Another Twenty One Pilots song?!” And I’m just going to say yeah, but it is completely necessary. Read the lyrics, and continue below.

Air Catcher

I don’t fall slow like I used to
I fall straight down
You’ve stolen my air catcher
That kept me safe and sound

My parachutes will guide me
Safely to ground
But now the cord’s not working
And I see you staring me down

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

I think you would beat
The moon in a pretty contest
And the moon just happened to be
The very first thing that I missed

I was doing fine on my own
And there wasn’t much I lacked
But you’ve stolen my air catcher
And I don’t know if I want it back

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

‘Cause I’m not sure
I want to give you
Tools that can destroy
My heart

And I just don’t say
What you want to hear
So I’ll write my fears
And I don’t believe
In talking just to breathe
And falling selfishly

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

But now I’m here
To give you words
As tools that can destroy
My heart

Communication is the glue of any relationship. I don’t think anyone could argue with that. However, I firmly believe that communication can be the downfall of some relationships as well.
My relationship with Sir, my Husband, is all about communication. These past years of living D/s have really strengthened (and tested) my communication skills. Even on my worst days, I’m a bit proud and amazed that I am able to use my words and be so open. While everything needs to be said respectfully, I don’t need to filter my words with Sir. I am able to lay every thought and feeling at His feet and He may not exactly know what I am going through, but He will listen, empathize, give His opinion, and even put me in my place. I am truly free to be me. Because I am safe with Him and He would never use my feelings against me. It is a beautiful place to be.

The flipside, though, comes when dealing with others close to me in my life. When I have feelings, I have the hardest time knowing IF I should say them, or WHEN. And I usually get it wrong! Sir has taught me honesty is the best policy, but life has taught me to keep my cards close to the vest. So I go one of two routes. I either speak too much, too soon – coming off as awkward and needy, making others freak out and want to run away. Or, I say nothing and try to stuff the things way down deep – also serving to make me look awkward, and probably totally uncaring.
image

I choose the wrong path more times than not. I filter and monitor and second guess every word I want to say – and then I don’t. I’m not much for secrets, so this is a hard route to take.
And when I do say the words? When I get the balls to reveal bits and pieces of my soul? I end up feeling so exposed, so stupid, so…wrong… that I try to backpedal and laugh it off.
This:
image

Offering up words feels a lot like handing over my heart on a platter and just pleading, hoping it isn’t crushed. It seems like such a dumb thing to do! Yet I continue to do it, to very few, but still I do.

I’m not really sure I’ve come to any conclusions here. I do not know how to transfer my communication skills beyond my Sir, or if I should just stop trying. I scare people off with my big feelings and grand ideas, and I’m not sure how to tone those down.
I’m sure I’ll just keep on talking and hoping not to say too much.
image

Happy Thursday! I’ve done too much talking at work today, so here’s to a silent evening! 😉
~shygirl

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “thinking [wordsworthless] thursday

  1. I don’t think you should stop trying! I think relationships are built on trust, and in order to build it, we must FIRST trust. Which is hard! Cuz that also means we get hurt, and there’s no avoiding it. Especially those (me included) who have deep feelings and big ideas and need to share them, because that when those who don’t want to hear them are running away.

    Honestly, it’s a NEED, to share them. For me, at least. If I have to filter or hold back constantly, it’s not meant to be. That feeling hurts me. It leaves me feeling as if I’m not valued, nor am I needed. I need friends who need those things too. Otherwise it feels false. So don’t tone it down, Shy. Be you. The people who see you are the ones who will stay. Hang on to them with both hands. 💜

    I’ve also come to the conclusion I won’t ever again be afraid to tell people what they mean to me!

    I loved this post. I enjoy your thinking out loud, it makes me think too. I appreciate that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • My Husband’s thoughts are the same as yours… in fact I asked Him to read your response and He said you hit the nail on the head. He told me I need to always be honest and forthcoming because there’s nothing to lose by being true to me. I sort of disagree, in that it feels like there is MUCH to lose. But maybe you guys are right, maybe if I feel too much the things (people) I lose shouldn’t be around anyway. It is EXHAUSTING and painful to monitor every damn thing out of my mouth, to second guess every feeling… thanks for your input!! As always!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this post, it’s open and honest and you speak your mind so well Shy. I don’t know either how to transfer my communication skills past my Sir. I got it wrong so many times. Now for some people I’m too intense and for others too much of an introvert.
    On the other hand, in my job as a child minder I find it easy to communicate with children at any age as well as having good, open conversations with their parents. I also find it easy to talk to my own children, I seem to find the right words easily.
    I guess it’s anything to do with big ideas and deep feelings that I can only talk to Sir about, without scaring him off.
    Thank you for another great post.

    Liked by 2 people

Tell me something

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s