thinking [(d)evolution] thursday

Things change. People grow. Relationships evolve.
Sometimes that cycle feels a bit more like devolution to me. Why?
I’m not sure, but I need to work it out.

Sir and I started moving toward a D/s dynamic about four years ago. At first, it was very slow-going. There were tons of tears and words (mine), uncertainty (both), and trepidation (His). I wanted to steamroll into this, He took a much more calculated approach. We grew and learned and our dynamic changed completely.

In the beginning, we tested a lot of waters – some things stuck and others, well, they did not fit us at all! It took a lot of trial and error, and quite a bit of time, but eventually we hit Our stride. We found what 24/7 D/s meant to us, and began to operate very comfortably within that structure.
But heaven forbid I get bored! Oh no, Sir is always switching things up… until He doesn’t.

Here comes the devolving part:
Sometimes when things get added to the mix (tasks, rules, implements, what-have-you), other things sort of fall away. I’m sure this is normal – I know I go through phases with music, shows, crafts – but I wonder, does it have to be that way?! Because I must say, while I usually love all the new things, many times I miss the old stuff. A lot. So much so, that it becomes a big problem in my head.
Total honesty is Sir’s policy, but when I speak of these things I feel… ungrateful, needy, less than submissive, like I’m trying to have control. But when Sir asks what’s bothering me and I say “nothing”, I feel like a liar (Duh, because it’s a lie!). So instead I say “nothing important” or “I’d rather not talk about it”. You know that doesn’t work! You know sooner or later He makes me talk! And then things are allllllll better! Right?!
Welllllllllll…. no. Usually not.
I mean, Sir and I are great and our D/s is super solid – I should be happy as fuck, but I don’t know what to do with the feeling of missing things and/or wanting more.
Part of me says, just suck it on up and be ever-so-thankful, but the other part of is stuck on this and wonders why things cannot be a mix of new and old? Is it really necessary to eliminate old things to make room for the new? Could it be possible to, more often, keep the old but add and improve upon it?

I feel a bit alone in these weird feeling and I am pretty embarrassed to speak of it here. But! Y’all don’t know me and I’ve been staying awake trying to work through it on my own. Obviously that hasn’t worked… and it is Thinking Thursday, so here I am.

Happy Thursday!
~shygirl

A little side note: May is incredibly insane! I’ve barely had time to breathe, much less to read or write on WP. I miss y’all! Hope your month has been less hectic than mine. 🙂

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13 thoughts on “thinking [(d)evolution] thursday

  1. you are a treasure … and not alone. But my lovely one… tell Him … tell Him what you miss, want and need … He will add new things but He will also keep in mind the things you need. Mr F takes charge – always. He is slow and controlled and has always taken the calculates approach. I write about things I need or desire … but never to manipulate or top … it is just to let Him know what I am thinking or … . and the more W/e know each other the more He knows where I do need certain things.

    I have been so ill recently – and the one thing I desperately needed was a medicinal spanking… hard and thorough… Normally He would ignore me as … but not this time. This time He knew that only He could make things right.

    trust yourself – take a deep breath, kneel by His side and tell Him…

    no more …”it’s not important”. it is important that He knows and never think for a second that you are ungrateful or needy… but you do need somethings that you do need… He wants to know. He can’t read your beautiful mind xxx

    He may not do something immediately, but He will find a place for them …

    I pray and hope I have not spoken out of term.

    Liked by 1 person

    • You are so right! Thank you for your input. I did talk to Sir… He read my post and forced my hand and I bit the bullet. I know He wants to know these things but I wish I didn’t feel selfish for it! Thank you again. 😘

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  2. Honestly, I think I know how you feel. I’m just curious as to what things new were added and what old things were taken away. Unfortunately, in my case, I feel like nothing ever gets habit-forming, because life gets in the way. I hate that. I want more. But, I too, feel selfish and like I’m trying to control. I’m really not! I just want to be controlled! sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It takes so much fine tuning for habits to be formed!! I always want more… of the controlling & such! It feels like such a fine line between expressing needs/wants and topping… sigh for sure.

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  3. I can TOTALLY relate. Seriously! I’ve actually missed things that seem so silly in my head but nag-nag-nag at me until I laser focus on them and have to say something because I feel like a liar. Or like I’m stuffing like I used to, and no one wants that. (But he can usually tell just from my facial expression of I’m trying to hide or postpone something).

    All I can say is that I want it all, all the time. That’s not too much to ask, right?!? Lol. I wast the old and the new, and all the in-between things that we’ve loved and work for us.

    I do believe that the things that work and we love do all have a place. But I have definitely begun to appreciate M’s speed. He is also an at-his/own pace, calculated man. In hindsight, I always see that his speed, as far as D/s goes, has helped us to get to where we are today. But!! My questions and concerns have too! My asking and need clarification and even reassurances have helped us to fine tune. That is THE ONLY way to grow. It’s not controlling to have wants or needs. It’s not selfish or critical. And feelings, no matter how irrational, are still valid feelings, and it ALL leads us forward if we talk it all through. At least that’s what I think, anyhow. That’s what it’s done for us.

    There will always be times when life throws curve balls. For me, those are times when I most rely on the things that ground me, which is always M and this thing we’ve grown. When it wanes, even though it’s rock solid foundation, and I KNOW that to be true, I mess whatever falls through the cracks. It’s something I’ve had to confront so many times, because I happen to also think that it’s possible to not let that happen…..

    Except that I also (in my own relationship, so not making any generalizations) know that because of my insecurities, it’s easy for me to feel as if, in these times of chaos, I matter less. Or, conversely, if I mattered more, they wouldn’t fall through the cracks. But…..I really have begun to see that (working on a post about it) maybe my thinking is flawed. If I KNOW I matter more than anything to him, maybe he’s the one who needs me to understand he’s up to his eyeballs in chaos or stress or just didn’t read my mind (yes I know he cannot always do that!!) and I need to ask what I can do to help. What I can do to help get us back on track. Because that’s what we both need.

    Anyway, maybe this is way off topic, but that’s what been rattling around in my brain.

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    • Yes! All of that totally on topic! I want all of everything all the time… there aren’t enough hours in the day, but still I want! And I KNOW deep in my bones that I am Sir’s number one priority, I know without question that He only wants the very best, that He wants to lead and fulfill my every need…but still… when I miss the silliest of things, I feel a bit forgotten and wonder WHY he cannot read my mind! (That should really be a thing) also… I have constant dialogue in my head – full conversation – so sometimes when I get around to actual outloud speaking, I really feel like we’ve already discussed. ACK!
      Sir and I have talked and He wants me to always tell Him how I feel/what I’m longing for/missing. It’s difficult, but those times are what help us grow!
      Thank you for your comment and thoughts… you are spot on. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I completely agree with Kay and Ms. Agatha. I’d like to add that for me, after four years of being with M in a 24/7 relationship I was beginning to devolve like you have described. But I was devolving because I was actually evolving beyond where we both were and leaving parts of myself behind. In other words the sacrifices I felt I had to make in order to maintain my submission were really key pieces of myself I was letting go – the comforting pieces of the past. I became withdrawn, frustrated and even angry at M for not recognizing or helping me fix. My communication approach to try and remedy this was completely wrong for us. Like you, I would say I’m fine, I’m not upset or it’s all good. That immediately put him in the “your lips are moving but you lie lie lie” mode and then healthy conversation went by the way side. It wasn’t until I could identify exactly what I felt I was missing or needed and could communicate with him in a way he was able to receive it (timing and phrasing here was everything) could he and I come to a better place of understanding and mutual agreement. I made the mistake of thinking M had all the answers and it was his responsibility to make it all better and I shouldn’t have to say a thing. My thinking was flawed. I do feel like Kay and Miss Agatha that we do need to bring our needs to their attention but we also need to make sure they are able to hear and understand what we are saying, then we have to sit back and sometimes patiently wait to see what their next move will be. We have to trust them with the matters of our hearts just as we would trust them bending to submit.

    Hugs dear friend. I will be thinking about you! You got this 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes. This is good. 🙂 My M.O. is sort of to wait and hope He catches on and fixes everything/me. And when He doesn’t, and I’m finally forced into words… it comes out in a desperate, muddled mess! After reading my post, we talked at length and He wants to hear everything… but not when I reach crisis mode! Respectfully, as I feel things, and then it shall be up to Him.
      It’s all a journey and I will work on this with all my might!
      Thank you so much for your comment & thoughts! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Looking at the comments you are not alone and I think I can relate, too.
    Like Kay said, I want the old and the new and everything in between all the time. At the same time I feel ungrateful and selfish for even thinking like this, since I live in a solid, happy D/s marriage.
    In my D/s marriage when Sir switches things up something old will go and then there is a long pause between events. I’ll be plugging along, going through the motions of a given day and these new things become second nature. It can be comforting and peaceful, but if it goes on for any length of time,I get antsy and distracted and worried, wondering if he’ll add old things back, missing certain old things. I don’t want to think like this though because I don’t want to top. When I’m in that “zone” I can’t communicate to Sir properly, the chaos in my head is just too big. I try to put my thoughts in a sort of logical order to be able to make myself clear to Sir, but like you, I feel like I’m trying to control so I say nothing at all until he makes me talk. That doesn’t always make things better but Sir needs to know what’s bothering me.
    Your thinking Thursday certainly had me thinking (more like rambling about) and I wonder if I’m simply overthinking things, sigh.
    Lots of love to you and thank you for another great post.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Seriously, same! I don’t know if you watch The Simpsons… but there’s an episode where Homer says “Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain.” And that’s kinda how I’ve been feeling about the D/s thing around here. We are 24/7 and my Husband/Sir seems to introduce new things and forget the old! But I want it all! Every bit of it!! I’m a needy bean. 😉 But we’ve talked…like a mega heart to heart/come to D/s Jesus meeting… and I’m not supposed to let myself get to where I’ve been. Talk talk talk… the biggest love/hate of my life. Grrrrrrrrr. Thanks for sharing! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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