thinking [wordsworthless] thursday

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I know, you’re probably thinking “Another Twenty One Pilots song?!” And I’m just going to say yeah, but it is completely necessary. Read the lyrics, and continue below.

Air Catcher

I don’t fall slow like I used to
I fall straight down
You’ve stolen my air catcher
That kept me safe and sound

My parachutes will guide me
Safely to ground
But now the cord’s not working
And I see you staring me down

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

I think you would beat
The moon in a pretty contest
And the moon just happened to be
The very first thing that I missed

I was doing fine on my own
And there wasn’t much I lacked
But you’ve stolen my air catcher
And I don’t know if I want it back

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

‘Cause I’m not sure
I want to give you
Tools that can destroy
My heart

And I just don’t say
What you want to hear
So I’ll write my fears
And I don’t believe
In talking just to breathe
And falling selfishly

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

But now I’m here
To give you words
As tools that can destroy
My heart

Communication is the glue of any relationship. I don’t think anyone could argue with that. However, I firmly believe that communication can be the downfall of some relationships as well.
My relationship with Sir, my Husband, is all about communication. These past years of living D/s have really strengthened (and tested) my communication skills. Even on my worst days, I’m a bit proud and amazed that I am able to use my words and be so open. While everything needs to be said respectfully, I don’t need to filter my words with Sir. I am able to lay every thought and feeling at His feet and He may not exactly know what I am going through, but He will listen, empathize, give His opinion, and even put me in my place. I am truly free to be me. Because I am safe with Him and He would never use my feelings against me. It is a beautiful place to be.

The flipside, though, comes when dealing with others close to me in my life. When I have feelings, I have the hardest time knowing IF I should say them, or WHEN. And I usually get it wrong! Sir has taught me honesty is the best policy, but life has taught me to keep my cards close to the vest. So I go one of two routes. I either speak too much, too soon – coming off as awkward and needy, making others freak out and want to run away. Or, I say nothing and try to stuff the things way down deep – also serving to make me look awkward, and probably totally uncaring.
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I choose the wrong path more times than not. I filter and monitor and second guess every word I want to say – and then I don’t. I’m not much for secrets, so this is a hard route to take.
And when I do say the words? When I get the balls to reveal bits and pieces of my soul? I end up feeling so exposed, so stupid, so…wrong… that I try to backpedal and laugh it off.
This:
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Offering up words feels a lot like handing over my heart on a platter and just pleading, hoping it isn’t crushed. It seems like such a dumb thing to do! Yet I continue to do it, to very few, but still I do.

I’m not really sure I’ve come to any conclusions here. I do not know how to transfer my communication skills beyond my Sir, or if I should just stop trying. I scare people off with my big feelings and grand ideas, and I’m not sure how to tone those down.
I’m sure I’ll just keep on talking and hoping not to say too much.
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Happy Thursday! I’ve done too much talking at work today, so here’s to a silent evening! 😉
~shygirl

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thirty days

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My birthday is in the next month over, so It isn’t quite here, but it will be soon enough! And, boy do I love my birthday! No, really, I mean I LOVE it. It is my most favorite day of the year.

Last year, Sir did thirty days of gifts for me. It was SO MUCH fun. He gave me a present every day. Some days were big, some small. Some days I got really fun, silly things, some days practical… or even dirty!

Well, guess what?! Sir said He is doing it again this year! He is really very sweet for doing this (swoon) and I am so excited! Woooohoooooo!!

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~shygirl