pride (fast forward followup)

You survived yesterday.

Well, of course I did, it’s not like I was just going to die.

But there was a time you felt like that. I’m proud of you.

I love when Sir is proud of me, it’s kind of one of my biggest goals in life. Maybe that’s because I am submissive. Maybe it’s because, more than anything, I want to make Him happy.
Maybe it’s because I need the validation His pride brings.
Probably it’s a combination of all these things and more.
But when He said He was proud of me for surviving, for making it through a day, I wasn’t overcome with joy. In fact, I cried.
While it is true I made it through the day, I sure didn’t do it gracefully. I struggled so hard. I tried to stay busy. I was sad, so I cried. I was angry, so I sang. I was at a loss, so I got quiet – not wanting to talk, not wanting to be me. I put myself on autopilot and cursed my elephant mind. I might’ve had a few drinks in protest.
I was not proud of myself in the least! I was disgusted and disappointed in the ways that I coped. But I made it through. Of course I did. I always make it through things.
Why should Sir be proud of me, though?!
Because I functioned?
Because I planned, set up, and executed happy festivities on that day?
Because I didn’t scream or break things?
Because I didn’t sit in a dark room writing?
Is that something to be proud of?!
Maybe He was proud that I leaned so hard on Him?
That I was able to share my burden with him?
That even through the onslaught of emotion, I was able to stay somewhat rational?
I do know for a fact that the feelings will fade and that the day won’t hold as much power over me. This was just the first go-round and I am actively working to dissolve the memory.

I’m proud of you.

At first, I couldn’t accept His praise, because I was not proud of myself. But when the best I could do was make it through, Sir’s acknowledgement and pride in me bolstered my worth. (Well, that, and some hardcore sex.)

Thanks to Sir for seeing me through and not making me feel crazy. At the end of the day, I know that the storms usher in the sunshine. And sometimes, just the ability to make it through, ushers in hope. It’s been a long time coming, but I am feeling cautiously hopeful.

*smiles and exhales*




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