feeling feelings

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This is true much of the time, with a few exceptions. I do not doubt the love I feel for my little tribe, I do not doubt the love they feel for me. But every other feeling I have?? Yes, I do! I doubt them, I question them, I even berate myself for feeling them. I’m a work in progress (piece of work, more like it) and trying to be more open helps me process, learn, and grow. I hope so anyway, otherwise I’m mostly just an asshole.

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I’ve never really thought about this before, but it hits the nail on the head. Every emotion I have is turned up to eleven and when all the feelings leave? I definitely feel that nothingness with every fiber of my being.

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Oh so funny! Also, it’s not funny at all! I don’t want to feel all of the things. It’s so exhausting – feeling everything, big and small, all of the time. On top of the plethora of [stupid, dumb, insignificant, sensitive] feelings, I take on other people’s feelings too. If I love you, I feel for you, with you. If someone I love is upset with me, even if I’m upset with said person, I will still be upset with myself right along WITH/FOR them. It’s a whole clusterfuck of feelings.

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Well… I’m actually not sure I believe that. Showing my emotions feels weaker than weak, but maybe if I power through, I’ll be stronger in the end. Sir encourages me to be 100% honest, He says it’s the only way. Since He’s the Bossman, I try to obey this line of thinking.

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But this? I know this to be a fact, proven time after time in my 39 years, and it cannot happen ever again. I am only for Sir to own and control. Nothing else will have that power.

So I will speak the words that are difficult, the words that are scary, the words that are revealing. I will let the feelings out, because time is too short to filter everything I think.

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Be brave! Happy Monday. Happy Solstice. Happy first day of Summer!
~shygirl

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happy day

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This makes me giggle.

My Sir/Husband is an amazing father – the hellions and I are blessed beyond measure. ❤

Happy Father’s Day!

~shygirl

…she falls flat…

This isn’t what she envisioned.
Nothing ever is.
Her mind writes the script
Of secrets never uttered.
Maybe a hint,
A subtle suggestion,
Flirting eyes here and there.
Trying and failing at every turn.
Eventually, she caves.
Veiled words fall from her mouth
Onto ears that will not hear,
Crashing instead on the ground.
Mocking. Teasing. Tortured.
Muted once again,
Embarrassed and ashamed,
Until her soul is safely tucked away.
Denied reciprocity –
Feelings, damn them,
Such an outdated currency.
Nothing more to discuss.
Resurrection, her foolish hope.
Knocked off the pedestal of the past,
Moving on, through new days,
Only skimming the surface,
Intentionally aloof.

~shygirl