the one about elephants

I have a good memory. Or a bad memory, depending on what comes to mind, so I suppose I should say long.

I have a long memory.

I remember things forever, I guess. If something or someone has hurt me, I can be transported right back into those feelings at that moment and my brain tells me that it hurts exactly the same. Logically, I know it doesn’t. Logically, I know I have moved on.

I’d like to say I don’t hold grudges, but I’d be a liar. I’d also like to say that I don’t burn bridges, but I light the match with glee. I’d love to say I forgive and forget, but I can’t. I can forgive (with some people FAR too frequently), but I can’t forget.

Elephants don’t forget either.

Man, I don’t want to be an elephant! I’m a kitten, we all know this. I don’t think my cats forget, either, though. Sometimes they look at me like “mom, remember last week when you made me wait five minutes for breakfast? Fuck you.” So much side eye from these cats! I digress…

Elephants. Memories. Me. What triggers my ridiculous memory? Anything, really. A song. A new hurt. Food. Photos. A place. My emotions can get thrown right back into whatever I remember, as if no time has passed. It’s weird, difficult to explain, and it sucks so hard.

Today a smell got me. A shower gel. One that is my favorite and that I used regularly six, five, four years ago. I lathered up my sweaty body and was transported into some bullshit feelings. Not cool. I don’t like anything messing with my showers so I said to myself nope, not today. I tried to fill my mind with other things – it didn’t work. I allowed myself to just feel the past and I didn’t dwell. It hurt but then it washed away. Progress, sort of.

Today’s satsuma scented memory wasn’t a bad one – especially at the time it was made – it just brought up the feelings of stupidity, misinformed decisions, and lies that came to light later. And for those kinds of good- turned-bad memories? The best remedy (for this elephant mind) is replacing the unpleasant with something more palatable. Go back to the place, do a new thing, all with Sir, and make a better memory! It offers a fresher focus so when the elephant strikes, though past still hurts, the new experience has a bigger place in my head. Four decades to figure this out, but better now than never.

As for my little shower situation? Well, I’m sure if I beg Sir properly, he’ll pound some new, sweetly scented memories into me.

Happy Monday and hugs to anyone that can’t stop being an elephant. 🖤

~shygirl

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