I don’t want to cause the drama.
I don’t want to make issues where there are none.
I don’t want to question everything.
I don’t want to feel so inadequate.
I don’t want to disappoint.
I don’t want to be disappointed.
I don’t want to expect.
I don’t want to wonder.
I don’t want to explain.
I don’t want to ask.
I don’t want to be insecure.
I don’t want to be jealous.
I don’t want to be needy.
I don’t want to be ugly.
I don’t want to crave.
I don’t want to teeter.
I don’t want to be afraid.
I don’t want to hide.
I don’t want to run.
I don’t want to pretend.
I don’t want to be weak.
I don’t want…
I don’t want to be the girl who always has an issue.
I don’t want to be the girl who drains.
Now what? I’ll stop!
I will figure out a way to control these jumbled thoughts of mine.
I will try to ignore these bad feelings when they threaten to take over. Why? Because I have nothing to really complain about. In our 17 years, my Sir has never let me go – He holds on tight. Maybe sometimes, I just need a little tighter, and maybe that’s okay.
I’ll start now. I will take it day by day. But for today? I’m going to rock this awesome life and live in a way that makes my Husband proud. Hell, I’ll live in such a way that makes me proud!
I am submissive and I am tired of creating useless battles in my head.
I will figure it out. I will change. I will …
I speak often of my shortcomings and struggles because it helps me work through them. I try to speak just as often about my triumphs and happiness, but it is much easier to write about the things that are wrong. I’ve always been like that – anytime I’ve kept a journal, it reads like a giant gripe-fest. When I’m happy and settled, I just don’t have much to say. That isn’t fair to me, or to my Sir, or to anyone that happens to read my rambling tales.
I’m feeling good this morning. My Sir read yesterday’s post about communication and had very succinct and helpful feedback. As always. He makes me feel cherished and safe, even while I think I am falling apart on the inside. We are truly a wolf pack, together till the end… and we’ve got this. No matter what jumps in our way, we’ve got this!!
On to the balance:
I’m not great at making New Year’s resolutions – one year, my resolution was to order something online every week because getting packages makes me happy! I’m not even joking – I wrote that down and was very proud I came up with it! Ha! This year, though, I didn’t really make a “resolution”, but more of a pact with my Sir. We are going to have good Karma and I am going to put positive thoughts into the air. There are some big things we are trying to do this year and normally I would be very anxious, worried and probably a bit negative. That approach has never worked so my Sir has forbidden it altogether! It can be difficult at times to think positively, but as soon as I catch myself beginning to worry about logistics and all that could go wrong, I quickly think “GOOD _________ KARMA”. Elle wrote about her good parking Karma and that really hit home for me (and my Husband). I don’t much care about the parking, but I say that phrase multiple times per day with a few other words to fill in the blank. I do not care how crazy you think it sounds, IT WORKS! Put good things into the universe and you will receive good things. Negative begets negative. So simple, and so easy to forget. Try it out, let me know if it works for you. 2014 is the year of positivity! Why? Because my Sir said so. It’s a beautiful new world!!