…she falls flat…

This isn’t what she envisioned.
Nothing ever is.
Her mind writes the script
Of secrets never uttered.
Maybe a hint,
A subtle suggestion,
Flirting eyes here and there.
Trying and failing at every turn.
Eventually, she caves.
Veiled words fall from her mouth
Onto ears that will not hear,
Crashing instead on the ground.
Mocking. Teasing. Tortured.
Muted once again,
Embarrassed and ashamed,
Until her soul is safely tucked away.
Denied reciprocity –
Feelings, damn them,
Such an outdated currency.
Nothing more to discuss.
Resurrection, her foolish hope.
Knocked off the pedestal of the past,
Moving on, through new days,
Only skimming the surface,
Intentionally aloof.

~shygirl

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pride (fast forward followup)

You survived yesterday.

Well, of course I did, it’s not like I was just going to die.

But there was a time you felt like that. I’m proud of you.

I love when Sir is proud of me, it’s kind of one of my biggest goals in life. Maybe that’s because I am submissive. Maybe it’s because, more than anything, I want to make Him happy.
Maybe it’s because I need the validation His pride brings.
Probably it’s a combination of all these things and more.
But when He said He was proud of me for surviving, for making it through a day, I wasn’t overcome with joy. In fact, I cried.
While it is true I made it through the day, I sure didn’t do it gracefully. I struggled so hard. I tried to stay busy. I was sad, so I cried. I was angry, so I sang. I was at a loss, so I got quiet – not wanting to talk, not wanting to be me. I put myself on autopilot and cursed my elephant mind. I might’ve had a few drinks in protest.
I was not proud of myself in the least! I was disgusted and disappointed in the ways that I coped. But I made it through. Of course I did. I always make it through things.
Why should Sir be proud of me, though?!
Because I functioned?
Because I planned, set up, and executed happy festivities on that day?
Because I didn’t scream or break things?
Because I didn’t sit in a dark room writing?
Is that something to be proud of?!
Maybe He was proud that I leaned so hard on Him?
That I was able to share my burden with him?
That even through the onslaught of emotion, I was able to stay somewhat rational?
I do know for a fact that the feelings will fade and that the day won’t hold as much power over me. This was just the first go-round and I am actively working to dissolve the memory.

I’m proud of you.

At first, I couldn’t accept His praise, because I was not proud of myself. But when the best I could do was make it through, Sir’s acknowledgement and pride in me bolstered my worth. (Well, that, and some hardcore sex.)

Thanks to Sir for seeing me through and not making me feel crazy. At the end of the day, I know that the storms usher in the sunshine. And sometimes, just the ability to make it through, ushers in hope. It’s been a long time coming, but I am feeling cautiously hopeful.

*smiles and exhales*

image

~shygirl

thinking [(d)evolution] thursday

Things change. People grow. Relationships evolve.
Sometimes that cycle feels a bit more like devolution to me. Why?
I’m not sure, but I need to work it out.

Sir and I started moving toward a D/s dynamic about four years ago. At first, it was very slow-going. There were tons of tears and words (mine), uncertainty (both), and trepidation (His). I wanted to steamroll into this, He took a much more calculated approach. We grew and learned and our dynamic changed completely.

In the beginning, we tested a lot of waters – some things stuck and others, well, they did not fit us at all! It took a lot of trial and error, and quite a bit of time, but eventually we hit Our stride. We found what 24/7 D/s meant to us, and began to operate very comfortably within that structure.
But heaven forbid I get bored! Oh no, Sir is always switching things up… until He doesn’t.

Here comes the devolving part:
Sometimes when things get added to the mix (tasks, rules, implements, what-have-you), other things sort of fall away. I’m sure this is normal – I know I go through phases with music, shows, crafts – but I wonder, does it have to be that way?! Because I must say, while I usually love all the new things, many times I miss the old stuff. A lot. So much so, that it becomes a big problem in my head.
Total honesty is Sir’s policy, but when I speak of these things I feel… ungrateful, needy, less than submissive, like I’m trying to have control. But when Sir asks what’s bothering me and I say “nothing”, I feel like a liar (Duh, because it’s a lie!). So instead I say “nothing important” or “I’d rather not talk about it”. You know that doesn’t work! You know sooner or later He makes me talk! And then things are allllllll better! Right?!
Welllllllllll…. no. Usually not.
I mean, Sir and I are great and our D/s is super solid – I should be happy as fuck, but I don’t know what to do with the feeling of missing things and/or wanting more.
Part of me says, just suck it on up and be ever-so-thankful, but the other part of is stuck on this and wonders why things cannot be a mix of new and old? Is it really necessary to eliminate old things to make room for the new? Could it be possible to, more often, keep the old but add and improve upon it?

I feel a bit alone in these weird feeling and I am pretty embarrassed to speak of it here. But! Y’all don’t know me and I’ve been staying awake trying to work through it on my own. Obviously that hasn’t worked… and it is Thinking Thursday, so here I am.

Happy Thursday!
~shygirl

A little side note: May is incredibly insane! I’ve barely had time to breathe, much less to read or write on WP. I miss y’all! Hope your month has been less hectic than mine. 🙂