thinking [wordsworthless] thursday

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I know, you’re probably thinking “Another Twenty One Pilots song?!” And I’m just going to say yeah, but it is completely necessary. Read the lyrics, and continue below.

Air Catcher

I don’t fall slow like I used to
I fall straight down
You’ve stolen my air catcher
That kept me safe and sound

My parachutes will guide me
Safely to ground
But now the cord’s not working
And I see you staring me down

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

I think you would beat
The moon in a pretty contest
And the moon just happened to be
The very first thing that I missed

I was doing fine on my own
And there wasn’t much I lacked
But you’ve stolen my air catcher
And I don’t know if I want it back

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

‘Cause I’m not sure
I want to give you
Tools that can destroy
My heart

And I just don’t say
What you want to hear
So I’ll write my fears
And I don’t believe
In talking just to breathe
And falling selfishly

I won’t fall in
Love with falling
I will try to avoid
Those eyes

But now I’m here
To give you words
As tools that can destroy
My heart

Communication is the glue of any relationship. I don’t think anyone could argue with that. However, I firmly believe that communication can be the downfall of some relationships as well.
My relationship with Sir, my Husband, is all about communication. These past years of living D/s have really strengthened (and tested) my communication skills. Even on my worst days, I’m a bit proud and amazed that I am able to use my words and be so open. While everything needs to be said respectfully, I don’t need to filter my words with Sir. I am able to lay every thought and feeling at His feet and He may not exactly know what I am going through, but He will listen, empathize, give His opinion, and even put me in my place. I am truly free to be me. Because I am safe with Him and He would never use my feelings against me. It is a beautiful place to be.

The flipside, though, comes when dealing with others close to me in my life. When I have feelings, I have the hardest time knowing IF I should say them, or WHEN. And I usually get it wrong! Sir has taught me honesty is the best policy, but life has taught me to keep my cards close to the vest. So I go one of two routes. I either speak too much, too soon – coming off as awkward and needy, making others freak out and want to run away. Or, I say nothing and try to stuff the things way down deep – also serving to make me look awkward, and probably totally uncaring.
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I choose the wrong path more times than not. I filter and monitor and second guess every word I want to say – and then I don’t. I’m not much for secrets, so this is a hard route to take.
And when I do say the words? When I get the balls to reveal bits and pieces of my soul? I end up feeling so exposed, so stupid, so…wrong… that I try to backpedal and laugh it off.
This:
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Offering up words feels a lot like handing over my heart on a platter and just pleading, hoping it isn’t crushed. It seems like such a dumb thing to do! Yet I continue to do it, to very few, but still I do.

I’m not really sure I’ve come to any conclusions here. I do not know how to transfer my communication skills beyond my Sir, or if I should just stop trying. I scare people off with my big feelings and grand ideas, and I’m not sure how to tone those down.
I’m sure I’ll just keep on talking and hoping not to say too much.
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Happy Thursday! I’ve done too much talking at work today, so here’s to a silent evening! ūüėČ
~shygirl

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soul mail

Oh my gawd… yesterday sucked, y’all!!
I was so smad all day and I wallowed a good bit. You know, though, because I vomited the details all over my blog.
That wasn’t enough to get it out of my system, so I sent my Sir an email – and once I started typing to Him, I couldn’t stop.
I told Him all about my sadness, all the things I miss, all my fears, all my mistakes, all of the wrong choices.
I shouldered all of the blame (pretty sure that’s a bad habit) and apologized profusely – for things I feel and things totally beyond my control.
It was a long, tough, emotional email and by the end, I was crying so hard I couldn’t breathe. I sucked it up, though,  and continued about my day.
When I got Sir’s reply, I was hesitant to read it. I had brought up some very intense ideas/questions and I was worried. It wasn’t until the solitude of my bathtub that I opened the email. The minutes ticked by, I had to read slowly because I cried so many more tears!
However…They were tears of relief and happiness and love!
He is a wonderful man, a loving Husband, and a very kind Sir.
He doesn’t think of me the way I’ve been thinking of myself. He doesn’t believe I am a failure. He explained the whys and the hows. He relayed, yet again, His views on the situation.
He said many things in the email, things I will hold close to my heart and not share here… but one thing tumbled through my brain all night and morning:

The brave are scared people too, they are just people who go ahead anyway.

Yesterday I didn’t feel very brave.
Yesterday I didn’t feel worthy of even Sir’s love.
Yesterday I thought I had ruined His life, my life, Our life, everyone’s life. (I know, Boohoo)

You folks here in blogworld, my blog friends, your comments lightened my thoughts. Please know I am so grateful!
Then Sir wrote life back into me and gave me just enough air so that I could reach the surface on my own.
Today I am still a little scared, still a bit unsure, still worried about some of the things. But I love hard and I am brave, so I’ll just forge on ahead.

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And how did this long-winded girl reply to Sir’s email? Simply this, because, you know, tears…

“‚̧ You are good for my soul.”

And He is.

~shygirl

17 off the top…

Sir and I have been together 18.5 years, since I was 19. (No need to do that math!) We had a child before we got hitched and have been married 17 years come November. We’ve had a long, happy marriage…¬† of course with many ups and downs. In the beginning, there were a lot of downs – I think that’s probably normal as people learn how to become part of a team.

Three years ago, we decided to reorganize the workings of our lives and it was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. Transitioning into a full-time D/s dynamic has unleashed and enhanced¬†the people we’ve always been, allowing us to live more fully in our truths.

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I couldn’t be happier about that but still I wonder why?! What makes someone a good Dom? Well I certainly couldn’t say in the general sense! So then, what makes my Husband such a damn good Dom for me?
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I think… it’s time for a LIST!!!! (yeah, I’m excited, I thought this was going to be a regular post) Before I get started on the list, please understand that I am fully aware D/s is highly individualized to each person, couple. What works for me, for Us, may not work for you! Sometimes, though, it’s nice to get a glimpse of how other relationships function, whether to draw a bit of inspiration from, or to just to be able to say “oh HELL NO!, I’ll have none of that.” ūüėČ

Without further ado…
Why my Husband/Sir makes such a good Dom:

1. He puts me first, in all things.

Now, I’m not saying I demand things and He delivers. Oh NO! Those things do not happen! What I am saying is… every decision He makes, He really considers whether it is good for me. He wants me to be happy, content, and comfortable. And it shows. For small examples, He gives me the best piece of meat. He lets me play games on the GOOD television, while He plays on the low, awkwardly angled one. He makes my eggs the way I like, even though it takes longer. He watches my silly shows while brushing my hair, after working hard all day. Little things, big things, He puts my needs and wants before His own. I do the same for Him, too!

2. He is honest.

He tells me the truth, whether I want to hear it or not. While He is always on
my side, He doesn’t always take my side. If He feels I have made a mistake in some area, or behaving inappropriately (towards Him or others), He lets me know. With kindness, always, but the hard truths are there.

3. He co-parents with me.

Yes, Sir is the BOSS. Yes, He can absolutely overrule any decision I make. However, when it comes to our three children, we truly co-parent. We love our children, but they are not priority number one in our lives. That might be hard for some people to take, but that’s just how it is. Our priority is our relationship. We cannot effectively parent our children if our relationship is second on the list. So, we are first, the children second. We discuss all big decisions regarding them… rules, punishments, sports, activities, school. All of it. If I’m being really honest, I might have a little more decision power with the children, simply because I am more in the day-to-day with them. Sir works hard, but I am IN it with the kids and He trusts my thoughts and ideas regarding the offspring.

4. He always gives me what I need.

Notice I said need, not want. Sometimes I 100% do not get what I want. Sometimes, I even get pretty pissed off that He seems to be ignoring what it is I’ve decided I¬†want. But Sir always has something brewing in that head of His. And he always, always, ALWAYS makes sure I am fed (mind, heart & soul) and that I have what I need.

4. He listens.

We are normal people with normal problems. We both get irritated and angry and sad and mad and disappointed. I’m pretty reactive. When I get those feelings, I want to get them out and talk them out. Many times, it’s not pretty and on occasion¬†I don’t choose the best, most respectful way to do that. Even when these things are happening, Sir listens to me. He hears me. He takes my views into account. Sometimes, I still have consequences for my behavior¬†but other times, Sir shoulders some of that responsibility.¬† Which leads right into…

5. He admits when He is wrong.

In my readings, I’ve come across some Doms that seem to think they are above making mistakes. If I’ve felt slighted or ignored, and Sir feels He indeed was slacking a bit, He apologizes. He never lays blame on being¬†too busy, or being overwhelmed with life. If He has misunderstood some word or action of mine and overreacted, He apologizes.

6. He is lighthearted and funny.

Some people picture stern and stoic when they think of the almighty Dom. Not me. My Sir is funny and witty, always joking. He doesn’t take life too seriously, thank goodness! However, there is NO mistaking when He is serious and means business.

7. He takes control.

Not only of me, but of Himself and his reactions and attitude. Not all of the time, Sir is still human, but the majority of the time. When He falters, He owns it (see #5).

8. He makes me feel wanted, even in my worst moments.

He looks at me like there is no one else. He hugs me like he wants to absorb me into Him. He tastes me like He cannot get enough. He fucks me like His life depends on it. I may see myself differently, the world may see me differently, but Sir thinks I am the bee’s knees.

9. He never lets me forget that I am His.

I’ve spoken of self-esteem and [not]letting go so many times on this blog, I’m sure you know I am a needy handful. Sir knows that, too, and He does everything He possibly can to keep me tethered – when He is here and, more importantly, when He is working. He sends me tasks, He asks for pictures, He has me write things, do things… all to help my mind stay at ease.

10. He has a plan.

Sir always has a plan! For His business, for life, for sexytime, for consequences. He is the man with the plan. His plans areHe has such a great, positive outlook and I am ever grateful.

11. He is strong.

My tree. My rock. My anchor. He is strong enough to throw me around. He is strong enough to leave all manner of bruises on my behind. He is strong enough to keep me in line. He is strong enough to support me. He is strong enough to lead me. He is strong enough to keep me safe, in all ways.

12. He is tender.

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He holds me when I cry. He pets my head. He brushes my hair. He tickles my back. He tries hard to empathize with me when my heart is hurting. He tells me the sweetest things. He calls me His little light. He recharges me when my battery depletes.

13. He wants to be with me.

Really! He does! Ask Him! When He isn’t working, He wants to hang with me. (And of course, I with Him!) We really enjoy each other’s company (good thing since we’ve promised our lives to each other) and Sir tells me all the time. Speaking of…

14. He is a good communicator.

Sir is not a chatty Cathy by any means, however… He openly talks about feelings, wants, needs, hopes, and dreams. And He forces me to talk, too, even when I’d rather keep it all in.

16. He knows me.

There is no one on the planet that knows me better than Sir. He knows what motivates me. He knows what scares me. He knows exactly what makes me tick. Sometimes, He knows things about me before I’ve even recognized them!

17. He loves me.

I am not a very trusting person, but when Sir says He loves me, I really know it’s true… I feel it in my bones, in my heart, in my dirty bits.

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That’s the list for now. I¬†probably could have just said He loves me and everything would fall succinctly¬†under that. Oh well… You got a list!!

Happy weekend! Lots of stressful things going on in my world lately, but under all that¬†mess,¬†I’m such a lucky girl!

Love you, Sir.
~shygirl