We played a game the other night, Sir and I. A D/s board game, in fact. It was actually super fun and not nearly as cheesy as I thought it’d be.
There were massages and toys and shows and roleplay and bondage. Seriously fun stuff!! There were also some tasks that really pushed my limits… in a good, if not shy, anxiety-inducing, sort of way.
There was one card that instructed me to take three minutes to write down my hard limits. It didn’t take me even half the time, and when I was done, there were only FOUR things written. Four!
I was pretty damn pleased with myself! In fact, I’ve been walking around the past several days actually proud that I’ve grown and come to terms with a lot of my hangups. Because… FOUR! Dude, four is such a small list you don’t even need to put it on paper! Go me!
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Bwaaaaahahahahaha! I should have known better!!
Just call me backslider, because today, I added number five to the list. Sigh.
I am none to happy about this little addition, and normally I’m very fond of math.
I feel quite let down (by me).
I feel like maybe I’ve let Sir (and others) down a little, too.
I feel like maybe I’m moving in the wrong direction.
I feel like a loser, a baby, a failure.
At the same time… I wonder… could this ‘devolution’ mean I am understanding myself better? Feeling more confident, even, in recognizing what I can and cannot do?
You see… there are many times in my daily life, when I keep quiet because I don’t want to be the “spoiler of all the things”. I try to push myself because that’s the thing to do, that’s how a person grows. No one wants to be the one against the grain, day in and day out. I am that girl so often, about so many things and it is really tiring. Is it possible that defining a new hard limit is a way to grow as well? Hell, it sounds backwards, but I don’t even know.
And what about my hard limits?
Thought I had four… And then there were five.