I got new cuffs! More accurately, Sir gave me new cuffs. Custom. A surprise. I probably cried, but that’s ridiculous.

The thing is…

I love my old cuffs! Also custom. And I have EVERY piece of those… Wrist, ankle, thigh, collar, hogtie, leash. Purchased over a few years, everything was so exciting. New toys, varied activities, bruises galore, so many photos, serious play sessions multiple times a week. Every second of every day felt like a slow build leading to a fiery night.

I’m not saying things are awful now. I’m not saying its boring or mundane. I’m not saying we’ve lost a spark. I’m not saying those things because they are not true. But as happens, life got big – really fucking serious and stressful. We got comfortable in our routine. We settled nicely into our added titles of Dom and sub. We have had intermittent mental health crisis with our middle child. So maybe our lives got a little less exciting.

Time for play is in short supply when you have to make sure your daughter is okay throughout each night, for years. Bruises are harder to come by when you have to be extra quiet. Emotions run high and maybe one of us turned away a little bit to deal and the other one just plain withdrew. Resentment crept in along the way, unused items triggering panic and an odd sort of grief.

So all of that happened. The D/s never fell away – not really – but it shifted and morphed into something sort of easy, but also sort of bullshit.

So many conversations. And texts. And emails. And handwritenn letters. So many words and promises. So much adjusting. And changing. And all the BIG life still going on while we tried to nurture and maintain us.

I’ve been embarrassed to speak of it here. You read that right, I have been ashamed to write my truth on my own damn blog. The one place I can just be me, I felt like I couldn’t. My anxiety fed into my lack of self-esteem and … well… I never said I didn’t have issues!

No more. This is my life. This is my blog. This is my friend by proxy.

Sir and I have been together 22 years. We have been 24/7 D/s for six. Sometimes marriage is a struggle. Sometimes 24/7 is a struggle. Sometimes LIFE is a struggle. That’s what’s up.

As I said, last night Sir presented me with new cuffs (and a harness & matching leather cat ears/mask head harness thing ūüźą). I needed them because my old cuffs were rusting on my arms. I am so thankful and feel so loved and cared for. Crazily, I’m also a little sad…

My old set represents the new and exciting beginning: big, complete, all-encompassing.

And this one is a new beginning, a little up-in-the-air, yet a little more comfortable, a little more established…

But maybe also a promise of better things to come!



Thinking [time] Thursday

Wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, collar, lube, wand, plug, crop, hands, mouth, dick… or what I like to call Wednesday night.

Let me back up.  This past weekend sucked.  I was in a funk of funks.  I felt forgotten, I felt no dominance, I felt confused.  I was just very lost.  I tried to talk to Sir.  Well, actually, I emailed Him and He was responsive, but I just was not feeling it.  I was trapped.

Sunday I wrote. For close to an hour, I sat in my closet, three doors and two locks between me and everyone else, and I wrote – To my Sir, to the universe, to my soul.¬† I waited until Monday morning to give Him the letter that wasn’t much of a letter.

He read it and left for work.¬† Oh sure, He kissed me good-bye and that whole bit, but not a single word regarding my spewing of words and emotion!¬† I was a little bit sad, a little bit angry, and very much confused.¬† I texted Him.¬† His words brought me out of my funk.¬† More than that, His words made me see that I was not being a productive part of our D/s circle.¬† My behavior had essentially caused Him to shut down, thus making me sink further.¬† I had forgotten that He needs to be reassured sometimes.¬† I had forgotten that I need to show my submissiveness in everything I do and say.¬† Sir said that doesn’t mean I have to agree with everything He says, or not have an opinion, but it most definitely means that I need to show respect at all times and not pop off with immediate no’s and arguments.¬† He is right ,and when I read His words, something in my brain clicked.¬† I’m sure I should have¬†had that click well before now – my mouth is always getting me into trouble – but I’ll take a click whenever it comes.¬† The week was off to a much better start, even though Sir was a bit sick.¬† He¬†finally felt better¬†yesterday, which leads me back to the beginning…

Wrist cuffs, ankle cuffs, collar, lube, wand, plug, crop, hands, mouth, dick…

I stepped out of the bathroom, ready for bed and¬†prepared to take the spankings I had earned.¬† I was feeling a bit devious¬†playful and I tried to hurry and get under the covers so Sir couldn’t grab me, but He was not in the bed.¬† He lunged at me, we¬†laughed, He bent me over the side of the bed.¬† I hear the drawer open and He put my wrist cuffs and collar on then clipped my hands behind my head to my collar.¬† Ankle cuffs came next.¬† He got the crop, I tried so hard¬†to count but after¬†six I just couldn’t!¬† Sir kept making me come back to earth… these are punishment, He said, and I needed to feel each one.¬† No matter, I’m off and dripping and I suppose He got to the 49 I’d earned.¬† The last few smacks were with His big, warm hand and by that point, I was trying to wiggle and get a little friction going with the bed, His dick, His leg, ANYTHING! He lubes¬†me up and puts the plug in¬†my ass (as an aside: this is the first time Sir has used the plug ON me, until now it has been me doing it under His command while He is out working.¬† I was pretty excited about this!).¬† Plug was in, Sir rammed in soon enough and I’m just an O machine, one rolling into the next.¬† Sir brought¬†out the wand.¬† Lord.¬† So much, too much, not enough, more, less… I couldn’t have a coherent thought if you’d threatened me with a painful death.¬† Sir unclipped me, flipped me over and continued to have His way… which is also my way.¬† He eventually came, I came who knows how many times, and I slept the sleep of the dead.¬† I woke up today happy and horny.¬† Yes, horny… sex makes me horny… I will be sated for a very short time and then I just want more.¬† Poor Sir…

This post may be rambling and maybe it doesn’t flow very well.¬† That’s fine by me…my life is pretty rambling and doesn’t flow very well, but it works for us.¬† Time keeps moving and you just have to make sense of what you can and hold onto those moments that make everything brighter.¬† Time changes many¬†things – a week can make ALL the difference.¬† And a year?!¬† A year can change your whole world.