thinking [take me home] thursday

The days filled with flirting expectation and unabashed want.

The fluttery stomach and risque texts that cause a deep blush.
The tasks that encourage, invigorate, and remind.
The demanded photos that require time, thought, and plenty of privacy.
The submissiveness that seeps from every pore and fuels every breath.
The evenings filled with stolen touches and handsy hugs.
The videogames and shows infused with knowing glances and sexy awareness.
The hidden rope or plug and whispered words.
The barely-contained desire.
The eagerness that demands an early bedtime.
The wetness that leave no room for doubt.
The control required to follow instructions, to hold position, to wait.
The belt, the flogger, the loopy, the whip.
The increasing intensity, the heavenly pain.
The kisses that are too much, but not enough.
The steady rhythm, the fusing of bodies.
The forgetting, the giving-over, the floating, the release.
The Dominance that feeds the submission.
The soul. The life. The love.
All of this is all that’s needed.
This is home.

Thinking [day by day] Thursday

daybyday

I’m really feeling this today.  Those first nine months (September to May) of this D/s journey, I was so very focused on the slow movement.  I just wanted to go, and go fast!  My journal entries from those months read like the ramblings of a sad, frightened girl.  Sure there were moments scattered about where I felt His dominance, where I could really feel He was happy embarking on this path, but for the most part I was frustrated and scared that I would ruin our marriage with this.  If you had asked me then, or read my journal, you would think little to nothing was changing or evolving during that time.  You would be dead wrong, just as I was.  Absolutely everything was changing.  Sir and I were learning and becoming Dom & sub – too bad I didn’t really appreciate it during that time.  .

Earlier this week, I wrote a post where I realized Sir doesn’t really have those Dom moments anymore, because He has fully become the Dom.  I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what a great, freeing, awe-inspiring realization that was.  It also got me thinking about all the ways our lives have changed because of D/s (woohoo! List time!!)…

* The children have a new respect for my Husband.  They have always loved their Dad – he is fun and silly and great – but when it came right down to it, I was the decision maker and they knew it.  If they wanted something, I was always the one to ask.  Even if they’d ask their Dad first, He would just refer them to me.  If you’ve ever been this person, you know it can get really old!  I make many decisions all day long, as Sir works and I’m home… that only makes sense.  But now, when the minions ask for something or permission to go somewhere, when possible, I tell them to ask their Dad. AND HE MAKES THE DECISION!  I’m not ALWAYS the bad guy anymore.  And guess what else? They don’t even get mad at Sir when He denies them something.  (Come on!!)  Sometimes, Sir will consult with me if need be, but many times He just decides!  BAM!!  That was definitely a bit of a challenge for the kids at first (especially the 15 year old), but it is awesome.

*  Sir and I have always spent a lot of time together – we don’t really have a lot of friends anyway, but we truly enjoy each other’s company.  Now, that seems to be amplified!  Sir started a [nerdy, geeky, super awesome] project and insisted I help Him with it, even when I didn’t want to.  I’m very grateful – we have spent many hours together working on it, listening to music and talking, with many more hours to come.  Also, Sir hustles to get His work done every day to try to make it home for afternoon coffee.  It makes my heart happy knowing that He enjoys that time as much as I do.

*  Conversation.  I mean REAL conversation is now a daily occurrence in our house.  Before D/s, there would be days where our conversations consisted of “what do you want for dinner?” and “are you ready for bed?”!  Not because we were angry or upset, just because those were sometimes our only connecting points.  That sucked!!  Now, we always have things to talk about and there is nothing, not even food or sleep, that is more important than connecting with each other.

* I’ve always hated lying because it makes me feel like a horrible human being. I’ve always been honest with my Sir, but D/s has taken me to a whole new depth of honesty.  Sometimes I hate it!  Sometimes, I abhor that I have to be honest and bring my dreaded feelings and insecurities to the forefront. It is so difficult for me, but it is absolutely worth every tear shed.  I’ve been able to tell my Sir things I thought I’d keep hidden forever and that is very liberating.

*  Of course, I haven’t forgotten about the SEX!!  Our sex life has always been good, really!  But now? Now it is an out-of-this-world, earth-moving, mind-shattering, cannot-wait-for-the-next-round, gravity-defying, orgasm-fest type of experience. Every time. ‘Nough said on that.

* The house is clean.  The laundry is done.  The floors are mopped.  We never lived in squalor, but for a long time I just was not motivated. I now look at my ‘chores’ as tangible expression of my love and submission.

* Sir and I have always been a pretty good team…now we are a f#cking GREAT team!! I think this has to do with our roles being clearly defined.  He is the Boss, He is the Alpha.  I’ve had to let a lot of my control issues fall by the wayside and it is a beautiful thing.  Okay, okay, some of those control issues didn’t exactly fall, Sir had to rip them away and throw them over the cliff with me kicking and screaming, but still… beautiful. I remain in charge of the bills and the money – why?!  Because I am better at it and I’m a math nerd – but I don’t need to control how things around the house get done!  Who the hell was that girl and why was she so desperate to hide her true self?  That’s a post for another day.

* D/s has made me realize what is truly important in life and let go of the things that aren’t.  That includes ‘friends’ that were toxic and a job that was bad for my soul.  I just don’t have time for a bunch of bullshit in my life – I’d much rather be making my Sir’s life easier in any possible way.

This list only scratches the surface – there have been so many changes, subtle and overt, that have happened during this year that have made our lives richer.  I’m happy to report to the girl from my journal… you are NOT fucked up, this will NOT ruin your marriage, and your Husband is NOT freaked out, He LOVES every bit of it.  I’d also like to tell her to have a lot more self-confidence and to really think about all those spankings she wants… sometimes those suckers HURT!  Ehhh, may as well let her know she’ll like those painful ones, too!

The Heavy – Who needs the sunshine