different days go by

Scrolling, looking for something specific for one of my children, the pictures fly by. I try to not to look, but the memories rush into my head and flood my heart. Good memories, mostly,  but now somehow tainted. My eyes leak and my feelings…

Honestly, I feel so much in this moment, I can’t isolate any one thing. All the feelings make me numb and I’m not even sure what I should feel. The first step should be figuring that out right? 

I feel… Sad. A little sick. Embarrassed for then, for now. I feel longing, but also relief. I feel stupid. Smart. A little ugly, a little… Not. I feel loved, betrayed. I feel envious, of me, then. I feel older, wiser, harder.  I feel a heavy grief and the sting of enlightenment. I feel happy. I feel duped, like a yoyo, like less-than. I feel changed, better, worse. Hell I don’t know. Mostly I feel…

Different.

I’m the same girl… then, now… Just different. Thank god for Sir’s patience, love, and strength. He keeps us moving forward, at times He has to drag me, because like it or not, the days go by.


~shygirl

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