thinking [ m ] thursday

I want the pain that comes after the no, after the stop, after the protests.
I want the pain that transcends the physical and becomes this far away thing that feels better and better the more savage it becomes.
I want the pain that leaves reminders – stripes, bruises, scratches.
I want the pain that takes me out of my head.
I want the kind of pain that feeds my love and recharges my soul.

The thing is, though, when I invite pain in I do so reluctantly, sparingly, greedily.
It scares me.
More accurately, I scare me.
After all this time, all these years, all my life, I should have stomped the hangups.
I should be able to embrace every last thing and stand tall and proud in my desires.
Instead, I am scared.
I worry that something I like, became something I want, became something I need.
Like an addict, will I always want more, one step further, a little harder, a little longer, a little more?
Will it ever be enough?
Will I ever be enough?
And so it is that I try to shut it down before I cross the line. As much as I desire the line to be erased, I fight hard as hell to stop it before we get there.
I want to give over to Sir and what I am too insecure to give, I want Him to take.
And in the taking, I want His soul recharged.
I want my tears to free Him as they free me.

I worry about Him, too.
Sometimes I think Sir thinks I am a delicate creature.
Or that He is too kind.
I worry that His confidence in me is less than stellar.
Maybe He thinks I won’t safeword.
Maybe He thinks I won’t know the subtle change between hurt and harm.
Maybe He worries about His own hangups and projects them onto me.

I can hear it know, the chorus chanting “communication is the answer”.
I know that.
We communicate.
We communicate to no end.
We talk, we work, we adjust.
It has been a rough few years.
Family things, work things, setback upon setback.
Some things remain constant.
Love. Marriage. Trust. D/s.
But the play part of D/s has changed and shifted – some lovely changes and some that I deeply grieve..
It is life. Nothing is static. Everything constantly changes.

I am ready for more.
I am ready to get this dialed in.
I am ready to sink back into what I am.
I am ready to drown in Him.
I am ready to let it all go, again.
I am ready to hurt.

~shygirl

what do you say

What is the best feeling in the world?

For real, I am asking. I was awake most of the night pondering this question, but that’s a whole other thing. So, the absolute best feeling that you have ever felt in your entire life – what was it?

Was it something so simple as that first sip of coffee in the morning?
Maybe how you feel after a hard workout?
Would you say the best you’ve ever felt was from an illicit drug?
Your wedding day?
The birth of a child?
Praise? Attention? Recognition?
Finishing something?
Sinking into a bathtub?
Sex?

What the fuck is the best feeling in the world?

I’ve done all of those things – the coffee, the workout, the drugs, the wedding, the birth three times over, the accolades, the completing, the sex, the bath – and so much more.
They all have their merits, big or small. All can bring joy and feel amazing, but the best?

An easy answer would be bringing life into the world because it is so everything – BUT just for a second, lets take childbirth out of the equation. Now what is the best feeling?

I really do want to know.

For me the best feeling is…

Submission.
Total submission.
Giving up not just my body, but my mind, my heart, my very self.
Absolute trust.
A beautiful trip to subspace.
The moments when I am replaced with so much Dominance and Love that I cease to exist on this plane. I become transported to a different dimension where my brain is quiet (no easy feat). The place where anxiety and fear don’t exist – because there just is no more room inside.
Complete surrender.
Wholly shattered yet complete.
There is no better high to chase.
Not for me.

… and that is how I know that I am submissive to the core.

But I wonder if that is how other submissives feel? Or Dominants, on the flipside?
If anyone is still around reading this, I’d LOVE for you to weigh-in.

Happy Tuesday!!
~shygirl ♥

 

day before

Today I needed

A hard place to land

I needed concrete

To rise up

Force the stop

Control, Alt, Delete

Today I needed

A place to lay my head

I needed a lap

To curl in

Let it go

Empty recycle bin

Today I needed

A place to absorb the sound

I needed an ear

To feel me

Commiserate

Unmute, max volume

Today I needed

A place to forget

I needed you

To help me

Take it away

Factory reset

Today I needed

A hard place to land.

~shygirl