Thinking [rambling change] Thursday


I’m not good with change. Well, I like change… I like to grow and learn and that sort of thing, and I certainly HATE to be bored… but change is really hard. Even good change is hard. Big changes are quite difficult to wrap my mind around and small changes? Well… small changes are going to be the death of me, I think.

I’m not even slightly kidding… I am convinced I need to be on medication to cope with change of any magnitude. The tiniest change in my coveted daily routine throws me into a tailspin and my recovery skills are lacking, to put it mildly. It’s bad and it’s embarrassing.

Right now, I am in a spin of spins and cannot see a way back to solid ground. These past weeks have been filled with so many changes, of all varieties! As soon as I think I’ve processed one and really come to terms with it, another change hits me in the face and suddenly, ALL of the changes I’ve already dealt with come completely undone in my mind. So much so, that at this very moment, I’m unsure of EVERYTHING again. I have become just a breathing ball of unprocessed and confusing change. It’s pretty fun. <–not.

This doesn't make me a pleasant human to be around, I'm sure. I'm forever in my head just thinking, thinking, thinking and getting absolutely nowhere – except maybe deeper into my hole. I'm weepy and a little irritable and so needy and tentative and self-conscious – I know it is a lot for my Sir to take. I try to hold it in, but that is pretty futile these days because that isn't 'allowed' any longer. No matter how hard I am to be around, I can guarantee that it is much more difficult to actually live in this head of mine. Almost unbearable at times. You'll just have to trust me on that.

I am drowning in swarms of words and feelings circling in my noggin. My world has been completely turned upside down, which I had decided was a good thing, (uncertainty is knocking)…but even good change fucks me up (remember my first paragraph in this crazy, nonsensical post)!

With all my might, I am trying to get my head back on straight. My Sir is helping…making sure to keep close tabs and giving me tasks, even when I am in a whole other world at work…but I am afraid I'm falling faster than he can catch me. One step forward, two steps back – my days feel like I'm running on a treadmill, just not getting anywhere I want to go.

I LIVE for the nighttime, when kids are in bed and I can snuggle up to Sir. He plays with my hair, rubs my hands and lets me cry or laugh, or just fuss a little. And then he takes me to bed and spanks and fucks my head quiet – for just a little while I can stop thinking. If not for that, I don’t think I’d even be able to function.

For a while, it rests solely with Sir to lift me up and put me back together, like old times. My girlfriend is out of commission and I wouldn’t dare bother her with my trivial nonsense, but I do miss her like crazy. I miss her face, I miss her words, I miss her shoulder to cry on, I miss the silly, constant contact with her. And I’m a little mad at myself that I’ve become so attached and so dependent on her, but love is love, and done is done.

Oh reader, are you as confused as I am? Here’s where we are:

*I am dealing with an ungodly amount of change, and it’s damn near killing me.

*My Sir is awesome, but probably fed up (though he hasn’t made me feel as such).

*I am far too dependent on those I love.

*I miss my girlfriend so hard, which compounds every other issue.

Other than that, life is good. I’m a lucky girl and I really do know it. Sometimes, I just need to vent…a shygirl explosion is never good (well, except for the pants kind!).

I think I’ll try to get comfortable with this thing called flux.

Happy Thursday…night will be here soon!