Fear and I go way back.
In my head, fear and worry are nearly indistinguishable. I’ve always been a worrier. Even as a very young child, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I truly believed that the moment I stopped thinking and worrying about a particular thing, that horrible thing would soon happen. (Oh wait, a few times it did!) So… as long as I was still worrying and thinking, everything would be okay. As I grew up I started to recognize that is a silly concept, but that bizarre line of thinking still holds me captive. In fact, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized maybe this is a tad self-destructive.
I have no time to delve into the great unknown of my inner-workings, but I would like to attempt to relate this to my submission and my D/s relationship. Sometimes I feel like I’m not very good at being a submissive. That is a weird thing to say because I know in my heart I AM submissive, so how could I not be good at something I simply AM?! I could go on for days about the reasons, but ultimately, I think what it boils down to is… FEAR.
When I am afraid, I become, to my way of thinking, overly needy and emotional…and that makes me rather angry. I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want Sir to grow weary of my constant need for reassurance and attention, I don’t want Sir to scrap this dynamic, I don’t want Sir to leave, etc., etc. I become so fearful and worried that I get angry – I cry, I fight my submissiveness tooth and nail, I try to hide, I act out. I’ve written about this many times. Until today, when I read this post, it never really clicked that the root cause is fear. AHA!
Wouldn’t you know, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out. As long as I keep worrying, everything will be okay. RIGHT?! *rolls eyes* Maybe you can understand that, but if you can’t, please imagine for a moment what it feels like. There is no rest, there is no calm, there is really no peace… because that guard cannot be let down, EVER. (These days, I do have quite a bit of calm and peace (so no need to worry!!), but there was a time I had none and didn’t tell a soul.) It is a stupid, wasteful way to live a life. I see that. My Husband most definitely sees that. He is the one that calms me and takes away the worry – even if just moments at a time. I like to think I’ve gotten much better and I will continue to work on just BEING.
So today, as I’m thinking about fear, I am also extremely thankful to my Husband/Sir because He pushes me to get past things and to be a better submissive…wife…person. With Him, there is no need for fear (except the yummy kind!) and I will do my best to keep that in the forefront of my mind.
I’ll end this on a random high note… I’m in a great mood and have a few very lovely bruises on my inner thighs from last night. Maybe I’ll tell you about it later. 😉 Happy Thursday!!
For more cohesive reading on worrying/fear/anxiety, this article is pretty interesting.