let it be over

Fear, a sneaky bastard
infiltrating every thought
sapping joy, it shows no mercy
overtaken, ready or not.

Fear, a hellish meal
push that plate away
stomp, scream, shore up your mind
overcome, this cannot stay

Fear, the grandest canyon
peace on the other side
jump on off, open the chute
over it, you’ll meet life

~shygirl

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feeling feelings

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This is true much of the time, with a few exceptions. I do not doubt the love I feel for my little tribe, I do not doubt the love they feel for me. But every other feeling I have?? Yes, I do! I doubt them, I question them, I even berate myself for feeling them. I’m a work in progress (piece of work, more like it) and trying to be more open helps me process, learn, and grow. I hope so anyway, otherwise I’m mostly just an asshole.

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I’ve never really thought about this before, but it hits the nail on the head. Every emotion I have is turned up to eleven and when all the feelings leave? I definitely feel that nothingness with every fiber of my being.

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Oh so funny! Also, it’s not funny at all! I don’t want to feel all of the things. It’s so exhausting – feeling everything, big and small, all of the time. On top of the plethora of [stupid, dumb, insignificant, sensitive] feelings, I take on other people’s feelings too. If I love you, I feel for you, with you. If someone I love is upset with me, even if I’m upset with said person, I will still be upset with myself right along WITH/FOR them. It’s a whole clusterfuck of feelings.

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Well… I’m actually not sure I believe that. Showing my emotions feels weaker than weak, but maybe if I power through, I’ll be stronger in the end. Sir encourages me to be 100% honest, He says it’s the only way. Since He’s the Bossman, I try to obey this line of thinking.

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But this? I know this to be a fact, proven time after time in my 39 years, and it cannot happen ever again. I am only for Sir to own and control. Nothing else will have that power.

So I will speak the words that are difficult, the words that are scary, the words that are revealing. I will let the feelings out, because time is too short to filter everything I think.

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Be brave! Happy Monday. Happy Solstice. Happy first day of Summer!
~shygirl

Thinking [fear] Thursday

Fear and I go way back.

In my head, fear and worry are nearly indistinguishable.  I’ve always been a worrier.  Even as a very young child, I was constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I truly believed that the moment I stopped thinking and worrying about a particular thing, that horrible thing would soon happen.  (Oh wait, a few times it did!) So… as long as I was still worrying and thinking, everything would be okay.  As I grew up I started to recognize that is a silly concept, but that bizarre line of thinking still holds me captive.  In fact, it wasn’t until fairly recently that I realized maybe this is a tad self-destructive.

I have no time to delve into the great unknown of my inner-workings, but I would like to attempt to relate this to my submission and my D/s relationship.  Sometimes I feel like I’m not very good at being a submissive.  That is a weird thing to say because I know in my heart I AM submissive, so how could I not be good at something I simply AM?! I could go on for days about the reasons, but ultimately, I think what it boils down to is… FEAR.

When I am afraid, I become, to my way of thinking, overly needy and emotional…and that makes me rather angry.  I don’t want to be a burden, I don’t want Sir to grow weary of my constant need for reassurance and attention, I don’t want Sir to scrap this dynamic, I don’t want Sir to leave, etc., etc.  I become so fearful and worried that I get angry – I cry, I fight my submissiveness tooth and nail, I try to hide, I act out.  I’ve written about this many times.  Until today, when I read this post, it never really clicked that the root cause is fear.  AHA!

Wouldn’t you know, I am still waiting for the bottom to fall out.  As long as I keep worrying, everything will be okay.  RIGHT?!  *rolls eyes* Maybe you can understand that, but if you can’t, please imagine for a moment what it feels like.  There is no rest, there is no calm, there is really no peace… because that guard cannot be let down, EVER. (These days, I do have quite a bit of calm and peace (so no need to worry!!), but there was a time I had none and didn’t tell a soul.)  It is a stupid, wasteful way to live a life.  I see that.  My Husband most definitely sees that. He is the one that calms me and takes away the worry – even if just moments at a time.  I like to think I’ve gotten much better and I will continue to work on just BEING.

So today, as I’m thinking about fear, I am also extremely thankful to my Husband/Sir because He pushes me to get past things and to be a better submissive…wife…person. With Him, there is no need for fear (except the yummy kind!) and I will do my best to keep that in the forefront of my mind.

I’ll end this on a random high note… I’m in a great mood and have a few very lovely bruises on my inner thighs from last night.  Maybe I’ll tell you about it later.  😉 Happy Thursday!!

For more cohesive reading on worrying/fear/anxiety, this article is pretty interesting.