thinking [good life] thursday

D/s is not all kink. Not here. Not when it is twenty-four-seven. Not when there is no “off button” or “downtime”.

He is the boss. I am not.
He is in control. I am not.

The D/s dynamic, like any other type of relationship, is work. It isn’t a passive thing that just grows magically better. No, D/s is a constant, active work in progress. Like marriage. Like parenting.

He is Dominant. I am submissive.
He is the leader. I am the trusty sidekick.

That isn’t to say that my opinions don’t matter or that my voice isn’t heard. I am listened to and my voice is hard to ignore. Ultimately, though, He has the final say. I’m good with that. I function better that way. Most of the time.

He is steady. I am a mess.
He is a tree. I am the swing.

I am all over the place. My mind is always moving, worrying, obsessing, wondering. I am hard to love. I am hard to like. I can be hard to look at, hard to talk to, hard to reason with. So much so, that directness and firm words (and spanks) are absolutely needed to keep me grounded.

He is sure. I am sure I’m messed up.
He is confident. I am…well…not.

He works hard to lift me up, to make me see things that just aren’t there. He will beat it into me, He will fuck it into me, He will play with my hair and love it into me. In all of those moments, I forget, and maybe just briefly, I can see what He sees.

It wasn’t so long ago that I wasn’t sure if this could be real. If this whole D/s thing could be a viable life for us. I wanted it. I felt I finally made a little bit of sense, but I was so afraid my Husband wouldn’t take to it or would see it as too much work. What a silly girl I was! I was too wrapped up in my own head to notice that he didn’t have to ‘take’ to anything. He was already Dominant, he just needed to know it was okay to let it out. I lived my life fighting the submissive and I overcompensated because of it. I thought what I felt was wrong, was weak, was a character flaw. I have PLENTY of flaws, but being submissive is not one of them. I am submissive, through and through (YES! Even when I’m arguing, even when I have strong opinions, even when I rail against an order. I am still submissive, but i’m also me. The Gemini doesn’t leave despite my best efforts.)

Today I find myself living this dream of a life, but still bitching about random things, still being a boss to the kids, still fussing here and there, still working on my lacking esteem. The difference between now and pre-D/s is that I can be me. I HAVE to be me, Sir says so. I cannot hide my feelings, I cannot hide my anger or my insecurities. All of me is out there in the open – to be dissected and discussed. Now I am held accountable for what I say and what I do, I have clear lines to follow…and other lines that have been totally obliterated. That probably would make many people run for the hills, but I function best and am the most free when a strong hand is guiding me.

Oh what the hell… the sexytime D/s stuff is amazing too. The lack of power, the utter abandonment, the ropes, the belt, the flogger, the crop, the cuffs, they toys… the quiet mind is such a treat. But the sexytime just isn’t the main deal. The D/s dynamic… it has been a game changer, an eye opener, a soul-bearing exploration into our true selves.

I am forever grateful to my Sir for His love, for His control, for being the Boss.

Even on the toughest of days – it’s a good life, this.