thinking [broken in] thursday

We have a brand spanking new house. This is actually our third brand new house, but this one was an extended two year test of patience (which I absolutely failed most days). The stress of this house brought me to my breaking point, repeatedly, and affected many aspects of my life… job, friendship, parenting… my subbie mind was overwhelmed in the worst possible way. We moved the end of November, started on Thanksgiving, actually. For months and months, everything was quite taxing… every new day seemed to add more worry and struggle.

We made it through, mostly, and this house finally feels like home… but we’ve still been in that “walking on eggshells” phase. You know, that thing where a slight blemish on the wall requires immediate paint, mopping is still sort of fun, and it takes weeks to hang anything on the wall because those are permanent HOLES, man!
Maybe you don’t know this insanity, but this is how we do –
Until we don’t.

The other morning I was completing a task for Sir – a chore, nothing sexy – when I dropped a nearly full bottle of Bailey’s on the floor. The glass obliterated into a million little shards, and the liquor spilled everywhere. After about thirty minutes of cleaning the mess, I saw it…
A chip in the floor tile right in front of the sink.
I cried. Of course I did.
I took one step on the path of “I fuck everything up” and then took off running: “Not only the tile, I fuck everything up – relationships, words, feelings…”
Ugh.
I texted Sir a picture of the mess and told Him I chipped the tile. I apologized and I cried until He replied.
You know what? He didn’t even care. His only concern was that I was okay and hadn’t cut myself.
So I inhaled.
I held the air in for a bit, thinking all the ugly things about myself, but then…
I exhaled and I let it go!
I said, outloud, to myself…

Fuck it. We really live here now.

ūüôā little steps, happy little steps.
Happy Thursday!!
~shygirl

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…and she qualifies!

Definition:
qualify:  make (a statement or assertion) less absolute; add reservations to.

I qualify most everything.  Seriously, almost every decent thing I say about myself is accompanied with fine print.  A little something like this:

“Here’s a photo – ignore my __________ (insert issue of the hour).”

“Great photo!!!¬† Too bad I’m in it.”

“I love this product, but I’m odd so….”

“I wrote this, but please skip over any errors, I was [tired, distracted, busy].”

“I like playing _______, sorry I suck.”

“Oh, you enjoyed dinner?¬† I’m glad because I messed up __________ .”

When I notice this happening multiple times each day, I become a little sick with myself… and quite a bit sad, too.¬† Not to even mention how annoying this must be to those around me.¬† ACK!¬† I try to rein it in, but I just cannot accept a compliment without trying to disprove it.¬† I also do not like the idea of anyone thinking I am bragging or LOOKING for a compliment.¬† *shudder*

I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember, but only recently has it begun to bother me.¬†Only since the implementation of a D/s dynamic has it even crossed my mind that all this qualifying might not be a good thing.¬† So, why do I do it?¬† I suppose it all boils down to self-esteem.¬† Mine has always been pretty low.

Even though…

My Husband has always tried His best to help boost my esteem, but since adding Sir to His list of titles, the efforts have been more…serious, demanding, forceful.¬† I’d like to think I’ve gotten some bit better.¬† I, at least, have moments where I feel pretty good about me.

And then there’s the fact that these last few months, my sweet, sexy Cailin has seen so much of me and has told me many of the same things my Sir has been saying for 17 years.¬† [I need to just pause this post for a moment to let that sentence resonate.¬† It’s mind-blowingly big!]¬† So, truly, I should be¬†cured, right?¬† I have confidence now, my self-esteem is no longer warped, and I don’t feel compelled to qualify everything, right?!

W.R.O.N.G.

Now… mostly… I just think TWO people are crazy or blind!¬† ūüėȬ† kidding.¬† My self esteem is a bit better – or is that my will power?¬† I try to ignore the bitch in my head constantly criticizing my thighs, my face, my voice, my self. Some days I do a GREAT job, other days she just yells too loudly.¬† I think the good days are beginning to outnumber the critical days, but I still cannot get away from qualifying everything.

Why?

Using qualifiers and disclaimers is maybe one of the last walls I have left standing.¬† It is a nice protective shell around my feelings.¬†¬†Because… if¬†I point out my obvious flaws (whether they are there¬†or not is a post unto itself) before others have a chance to… NO ONE CAN HURT ME!¬† TaDaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Since this¬†whole D/s thing¬†entered my life, I have been knocking down walls left and right – some happily and some with many tears.¬† I have opened up in ways I never thought possible.¬† I have grown as a better wife, submissive, mom… hell, I’m a much better person than I was this time last year. My Sir has ALWAYS been my world and we have had such a happy, sex-filled, wonderful life together – D/s has just made everything brighter and much more focused.¬† We are home.

I still have quite a bit of fine-tuning to do – lots of things to work on!¬† But if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living so I’m happy to keep laboring away.¬† So!¬† Today is the day that I will try to stop qualifying my words, thoughts, pictures, life.¬† Maybe¬†it will be okay – from time to time – for the people in my life to know I’m actually NOT horrible at everything, that my thighs are NOT as big as a cow’s, and that the food I make is sometimes really good.

Happy Saturday, Happy Weekend, Happy Life!

~shygirl

This post was originally intended to be a Thursday post, but it was more exploratory than I realized and I’ve worked through some things while writing it. I think an under-the-radar slide into Saturday is the better way to go.