Sir sends me tasks to complete daily. Not chores, usually, but things intended to remind me of my submission – like postures to practice, things to write, photos to take, things to insert – and sometimes i don’t receive them with an overly submissive heart. You read that right! On occasion, I open the app and read the tasks and feel some sort of way about them – angry, irritated, forgotten, unheard, resentful – anything but the submissive thankfulness I should be feeling.
God, it’s shameful to put that into words, to make it so concrete here in black and white for the world to see. Though you may not judge me, i sure as hell do and I think that is an awful way to react to directives from my Dom. Today, i am not going to dwell on my Olympic level judging abilities. No, today I want to try a concept I find hard to grasp – Grace.
Back to it: Tasks. Submissive heart. Feelings. Yeah… A few days ago, Sir tasked me to begin working on a new blog post. He has never regulated this space in any way, but He knows i have not written in a while because -reasons- and He wanted to help me get back into it, it’s good for me, or something like that.
I had ideas – a sexy balcony escapade retelling, shame/love, meeting where we are – but ultimately i railed against the task with an ugly heart and this morning i told Him why.
“I have nothing to say”
“I feel like a fraud”
“It makes me sad”
“Everything is different”
“I am embarrassed”
Ouch, right?? But how on earth can i write something when everything is different, when not everything has been smooth sailing – without looking like a liar? Because I’ll tell you, sometimes i FEEL like a liar, and i hate liars so… do that math.
As usual, Sir hit me with some dreaded logic (ugh) and some kind, wise words that i really did not want to hear. Just take my very valid excuses and let me be! By now you know that He wasn’t having it. And since the only way through something, is actually THROUGH it, maybe i won’t feel so alone if i drag y’all with me.
The past few years have been full of struggle for our dynamic.
Our 20 year marriage hasn’t been in jeopardy. There has been no infidelity, no major fights, no major anything. We are still 24/7 D/s… that hasn’t really wavered, either. So what the hell has been the struggle?? The way our D/s looks, the way it works, the way it feels… has morphed in a lot of ways and it has been a fucking struggle. He is my Dom 100%, I am His sub 100% but sometimes – okay, a lot of times- we just haven’t been on the same 24/7 D/s page. If you ask me, at times we weren’t even in the same book. And it has been heartbreaking for me. So we have struggled being on the same page because we both had ideas how to pick up from circumstances that sort of derailed us back then. I’ve been trying to just GET BACK to there and he’s been trying to MOVE ON from here. And neither one of us could ever work fast enough for the other before sometime turned their page again. Over and over. And endless cycle of ramping up but never getting into gear.
I put a self-imposed gag order for my blog so i didn’t have an outlet. I have no friends to speak of, no one to bounce things off so I have been bottling and exploding (toxic, i know). Please don’t think I’ve had years of misery, because that certainly is not the case. Sir and I always have fun, D/s is our normal – there have just been intermittent struggles. Maybe I’ll elaborate on those in the future or maybe I’ll let them lie, but for now i just wanted to start the process of true growth.
The takeaway today is this:
Though i do not always do things with a submissive heart, I AM submissive to my core. My shortcomings do not make me any less. I will never be perfect, but i will always try to be a better human.
Though Sir and I may have struggled pretty hard, we are still very much in love and practice 24/7 D/s. We will never be anyone’s version of perfect, but we will always strive to be better versions of ourselves for each other.
The way things appear to the outside world are not our concern. We do what works, we work through what doesn’t. We love, We play, we are still figuring things out as we go.
And this HAS to be okay to talk about, because maybe you are human, too.