maybe a light

Maybe there’s a light at the end of this tunnel. Found this today…

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Who cares about victorious!? I’ll just be happy to be out of one of the mazes my life has become! Then I’ll be able to move onto the next… One trouble at a time, right?

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I’m so tired of all of this, all of these topsy-turvy, unsettled things. Sometimes I want to throw in the towel. Hard. But most days, I just suck it up (or cry it out), and keep working.

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Blessings and good things abound. I haven’t forgotten all that is happy and right! This too shall pass.

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Sir’s got me, so I’ve got this. All of it. Even on the worst days, somewhere inside me I know… Everything will be just fine.

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~shygirl

… and then there were five

We played a game the other night, Sir and I. A D/s board game, in fact. It was actually super fun and not nearly as cheesy as I thought it’d be.

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There were massages and toys and shows and roleplay and bondage. Seriously fun stuff!! There were also some tasks that really pushed my limits… in a good, if not shy, anxiety-inducing, sort of way.

There was one card that instructed me to take three minutes to write down my hard limits. It didn’t take me even half the time, and when I was done, there were only FOUR things written. Four!

I was pretty damn pleased with myself! In fact, I’ve been walking around the past several days actually proud that I’ve grown and come to terms with a lot of my hangups. Because… FOUR! Dude, four is such a small list you don’t even need to put it on paper! Go me!

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Bwaaaaahahahahaha! I should have known better!!
Just call me backslider, because today, I added number five to the list. Sigh.
I am none to happy about this little addition, and normally I’m very fond of math.
I feel quite let down (by me).
I feel like maybe I’ve let Sir (and others) down a little, too.
I feel like maybe I’m moving in the wrong direction.
I feel like a loser, a baby, a failure.

At the same time… I wonder… could this ‘devolution’ mean I am understanding myself better? Feeling more confident, even, in recognizing what I can and cannot do?

You see… there are many times in my daily life, when I keep quiet because I don’t want to be the “spoiler of all the things”. I try to push myself because that’s the thing to do, that’s how a person grows. No one wants to be the one against the grain, day in and day out. I am that girl so often, about so many things and it is really tiring. Is it possible that defining a new hard limit is a way to grow as well? Hell, it sounds backwards, but I don’t even know.

And what about my hard limits?

Thought I had four… And then there were five.

~shygirl

Seventeen rebuild

Seventeen.

Seventeen is a long time.
Seventeen flew by.
Seventeen held everything.
Seventeen was exclusively ours.
Seventeen was faithful and loving.
Seventeen has been work and play.
Seventeen has been happy and sad.
Seventeen has been easy and difficult.
Seventeen brought change after change.
Seventeen is trust.
Seventeen is comfort.
Seventeen is safety.
Seventeen is home.

Seventeenth.

Seventeenth is redesign.
Seventeenth is more.
Seventeenth is different.
Seventeenth is shaking the core.
Seventeenth is more inclusive in it’s exclusivity.
Seventeenth grew love exponentially.
Seventeenth makes me panic.
Seventeenth is many questions.
Seventeenth is many more answers.
Seventeenth makes me wonder.
Seventeenth is very exposed.
Seventeenth is a beginning.
Seventeenth is faith, not history.
Seventeenth blurred erased the lines.
Seventeenth is scaring me to death, in an oddly good way.

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At this particular moment, I’m in a bit of a panic… my mind leads me down some pretty destructive paths…I want to get a few of my thoughts together and let them free. Didn’t I tell you last week that even the good changes are rough?! Yeah, it seems I’m still on that today.

Sir and I have been together 17 years (and a half!), though he wasn’t always my Sir, we’ve always had a wonderful relationship. We have had such a good life – full of love and laughter, ups and downs, ins and outs. Through it all, we have never strayed, never contemplated leaving, never given up. We have become better people, together.
Big things have happened this year – I mean BIG, huge, wonderful (and frightening) things. I am certain they have served to help us grow and love with greater depth.

Let me be clear: I have ZERO regrets, but lately I have these moments where I seize up with fear. Now I know, in that tiny rational part of my brain, that I do this only because of my insecurities and jealousy and extreme [unfounded] fear that Sir will leave. I do my best to ignore that. I try to believe that little rational voice that says “Don’t be crazy, woman! Don’t listen to that nonsense! You are on the right path!” Some days it’s harder to shake than others.

It’s just that…
Seventeen years is a long time! It really is…a seventeen year mindset can be hard to break. We’ve built a very solid foundation and constructed a beautiful life upon it, that worked for so long. We did such a great job that I got pretty comfortable and felt so very safe. Then, with divine intervention (yep, I really think that ) a lovely hurricane came along that shook the foundation and tore much of the structure down. We had worked so hard and this hurricane was overwhelming and unexpected…and totally made us look at life and love a bit more…widely. That hurricane has truly been a blessing because, as it turns out, we were wanting to remodel! Who knew?! Lucky me. Lucky us. The foundation sustained no damage and we are ready to rebuild a bigger, better structure. All the materials are laid out but we only have the old blueprints. Those suckers just won’t work, not anymore. I need a new set of plans! I’m just standing here looking around, not knowing where to begin, and I’m feeling quite lost. Thankful and happy, but lost…it’s a weird place to be.

different better

~shygirl