…and she qualifies!

Definition:
qualify:  make (a statement or assertion) less absolute; add reservations to.

I qualify most everything.  Seriously, almost every decent thing I say about myself is accompanied with fine print.  A little something like this:

“Here’s a photo – ignore my __________ (insert issue of the hour).”

“Great photo!!!  Too bad I’m in it.”

“I love this product, but I’m odd so….”

“I wrote this, but please skip over any errors, I was [tired, distracted, busy].”

“I like playing _______, sorry I suck.”

“Oh, you enjoyed dinner?  I’m glad because I messed up __________ .”

When I notice this happening multiple times each day, I become a little sick with myself… and quite a bit sad, too.  Not to even mention how annoying this must be to those around me.  ACK!  I try to rein it in, but I just cannot accept a compliment without trying to disprove it.  I also do not like the idea of anyone thinking I am bragging or LOOKING for a compliment.  *shudder*

I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember, but only recently has it begun to bother me. Only since the implementation of a D/s dynamic has it even crossed my mind that all this qualifying might not be a good thing.  So, why do I do it?  I suppose it all boils down to self-esteem.  Mine has always been pretty low.

Even though…

My Husband has always tried His best to help boost my esteem, but since adding Sir to His list of titles, the efforts have been more…serious, demanding, forceful.  I’d like to think I’ve gotten some bit better.  I, at least, have moments where I feel pretty good about me.

And then there’s the fact that these last few months, my sweet, sexy Cailin has seen so much of me and has told me many of the same things my Sir has been saying for 17 years.  [I need to just pause this post for a moment to let that sentence resonate.  It’s mind-blowingly big!]  So, truly, I should be cured, right?  I have confidence now, my self-esteem is no longer warped, and I don’t feel compelled to qualify everything, right?!

W.R.O.N.G.

Now… mostly… I just think TWO people are crazy or blind!  😉  kidding.  My self esteem is a bit better – or is that my will power?  I try to ignore the bitch in my head constantly criticizing my thighs, my face, my voice, my self. Some days I do a GREAT job, other days she just yells too loudly.  I think the good days are beginning to outnumber the critical days, but I still cannot get away from qualifying everything.

Why?

Using qualifiers and disclaimers is maybe one of the last walls I have left standing.  It is a nice protective shell around my feelings.  Because… if I point out my obvious flaws (whether they are there or not is a post unto itself) before others have a chance to… NO ONE CAN HURT ME!  TaDaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

Since this whole D/s thing entered my life, I have been knocking down walls left and right – some happily and some with many tears.  I have opened up in ways I never thought possible.  I have grown as a better wife, submissive, mom… hell, I’m a much better person than I was this time last year. My Sir has ALWAYS been my world and we have had such a happy, sex-filled, wonderful life together – D/s has just made everything brighter and much more focused.  We are home.

I still have quite a bit of fine-tuning to do – lots of things to work on!  But if you aren’t learning, you aren’t living so I’m happy to keep laboring away.  So!  Today is the day that I will try to stop qualifying my words, thoughts, pictures, life.  Maybe it will be okay – from time to time – for the people in my life to know I’m actually NOT horrible at everything, that my thighs are NOT as big as a cow’s, and that the food I make is sometimes really good.

Happy Saturday, Happy Weekend, Happy Life!

~shygirl

This post was originally intended to be a Thursday post, but it was more exploratory than I realized and I’ve worked through some things while writing it. I think an under-the-radar slide into Saturday is the better way to go.

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fresh start Friday: My life, with a little balance

I speak often of my shortcomings and struggles because it helps me work through them.  I try to speak just as often about my triumphs and happiness, but it is much easier to write about the things that are wrong.  I’ve always been like that – anytime I’ve kept a journal, it reads like a giant gripe-fest.  When I’m happy and settled, I just don’t have much to say.  That isn’t fair to me, or to my Sir, or to anyone that happens to read my rambling tales.

I’m feeling good this morning.  My Sir read yesterday’s post about communication and had very succinct and helpful feedback.  As always.  He makes me feel cherished and safe, even while I think I am falling apart on the inside.  We are truly a wolf pack, together till the end… and we’ve got this. No matter what jumps in our way, we’ve got this!!

soulmate

On to the balance:

I’m not great at making New Year’s resolutions – one year, my resolution was to order something online every week because getting packages makes me happy!  I’m not even joking – I wrote that down and was very proud I came up with it!  Ha!  This year, though, I didn’t really make a “resolution”, but more of a pact with my Sir.  We are going to have good Karma and I am going to put positive thoughts into the air.  There are some big things we are trying to do this year and normally I would be very anxious, worried and probably a bit negative.  That approach has never worked so my Sir has forbidden it altogether!  It can be difficult at times to think positively, but as soon as I catch myself beginning to worry about logistics and all that could go wrong, I quickly think “GOOD _________ KARMA”.  Elle wrote about her good parking Karma and that really hit home for me (and my Husband).  I don’t much care about the parking, but I say that phrase multiple times per day with a few other words to fill in the blank.  I do not care how crazy you think it sounds, IT WORKS!  Put good things into the universe and you will receive good things.  Negative begets negative.  So simple, and so easy to forget.  Try it out, let me know if it works for you.  2014 is the year of positivity!  Why?  Because my Sir said so.  It’s a beautiful new world!!

goodwolf

~shygirl

 

Breaking through

Yesterday, I think, was a turning point for us.

I had such a crappy week, feeling out of sorts and extremely needy, and it affected everything and everyone around me. So, yesterday morning I took a very direct approach with my Husband (thank you, Elle!). I sent Him a text saying I was still feeling needy and wanted to do something for Him and asked if He would give me something to do. I ended it with Please, Sir. He did! Three things. I did them for Him and it helped me get my head straight. Fantastic! But that wasn’t the breakthrough – that came later.

For reference:  We’ve been implementing D/s for a while now. I started my research and discovery in July of last year and around September/October we began the transition. Slowly. In the past few months, things have sped up a bit, but obviously I still have some issues to work through. That is life, I really don’t expect anything to be perfect!

So, this week, my Husband has received many emails and texts from me – His responses either nonexistent or lacking something, until the one described above. When He arrived home yesterday, I had just finished working out and was a sweaty mess.
I was in a fantastic mood, as was He.
I rinsed off, made dinner, read to my son, tucked the kids into bed. I sat down on the sofa – time to relax!

Nope… Husband asked me to get a glass of water (this in and of itself is big…He has always gotten the water for me.)  I hopped up, happy to oblige, and He grabbed me in a big hug, holding tightly to my hair. Mmmm. Then He rumbled in my ear “Are you my sub?”

I was shocked! I wanted to laugh and cry, jump and kneel – I stayed very still. We have discussed this lifestyle, we have read numerous things, we’ve been living D/s for months, we’ve emailed…but never has He called me His sub out loud. I was so stunned I could only nod my head against His chest. He said “What was that?” I managed to whisper “Yes, Sir.”

I have waited for long months to hear those words spoken out loud. I know this is His full acceptance of me as His submissive and of the life we are leading. Those words, that moment, rank right up there with our marriage vows. Truly.

It’s going to be a great day. Scratch that… It’s going to be a great life. It already is.

shygirl