…and sometimes still.

I am submissive.
To my core.
Through and through.
To my Sir, my Husband.

I am also human.
And I get angry.
Really, blood-boiling, seeing-red, brand of angry.
Sometimes toward my Sir.
Gasp!

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(This is one of my favorite Little Critter books)

In our former structure – before all the D/s and rules and such – my anger would take over.
Briefly.
I’d yell and throw.
Scream and say hateful things.
And I’d feel better.
I’d get it out and I would feel some better!
Kinda like…
But now…
When I get angry, I have to keep my head about me.
Yelling and disrespect simply isn’t appropriate.
It’s definitely not tolerated.
Oh, I can be mad..
I’m allowed to feel however I feel.
So I may get as mad as I want, but I cannot vent it like I used to.

This is a problem.
Being mad at Sir is a problem in and of itself.
Especially when the anger stems from disappointment.
I hate myself a little when I am angry with Him.
He is the leader.
He is the boss.
So feeling that anger feels like a ship lost at sea.
And feeling lost?
It compounds the anger.
There is no easy release valve like before.

Instead, we talk about it.
Eyeroll.
I let Him know why I’m upset, He listens.
It is always some tiny little nothing, that happened to rub me the wrong way.
In the moment, though, it is big and worthy.
I try to sneak a little snark by.
I shut doors a little too hard, I walk with heavier steps.
I huff and I puff…
But it fizzles out.
Because I cannot yell.
I’ll be honest, it’s really frustrating!
It is frustrating to stay humble when I want to scream.
It is annoying to remain respectful when my tongue wants to slice.
It, on occasion, takes all of my self control to even stand before Him and behave.

I wish I didn’t get angry over stupid ass things.
I do it less, surely that counts for something.
But anger is a normal emotion.
I am alive.
I am semi-normal.
I’m bound to get upset with the one I love the most.
I hope I continue to handle it better and better.
I hope Sir sees the progress.
I hope He forgives the backwards steps now and again.
I love and respect Him.
He is everything to me and does so much for me, us.

Oh, but there are those days –
I just want to yell!

It’s Monday!
~shygirl

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thinking [hard out here] thursday

Sometimes, the times are just hard.
A swirling mass of change with everything in the air.
Living in limbo.
Not knowing what’s happening, when or where.
Should I speak, maybe silence is better.
Who is there, who isn’t really.
Walking through the thickest of fog, no sense of direction.
The only light is Sir.
But even Sir gets lost in the dark on occasion.
When both are lost, we hold hands and power through.
That’s the only choice.
He leads, I follow.
I try to rise in my submission.
He dominates.
We gather strength.
Every word, every task, every look, every bruise, every touch becomes my compass.
He calms me down.
I try to lift Him up.
I want to be strong.
I want to rise above.
I will. I do.
Even when it takes a minute, I rise.
Because of Sir.
For Sir.
I need to rise now, when things are so heavy.
I feel a little broken, a little less me, without my muchness.
He lifts me. He always lifts me.
But maybe that’s too much.
Maybe that’s not fair.
But it’s how we are.
I’m so thankful, even in the midst of this disarray.
How would this go without 24/7 D/s?!
I’m glad not to never find out.
For tonight, I shall breathe and serve.

Happy Thursday… At least it’s almost over!
~shygirl

basics

Sir has a few key phrases for me.
Maybe at this point, the words have become mantras, because I carry them around in my heart. I can hear them even when He is not speaking.
There are times when I need them more. Like now.

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Humble.
I am always to be humble. Humble in my pose, humble in my thoughts, humble in my actions, humble with my words.

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Obey.
I think a lot, too much. I am to stop all that and simply obey. That can be difficult, but oh what a load off! Fun fact: I have many articles of clothing from Obey… A secret, fun way to walk around with Our truth on display (also their tagline is “manufacturing dissent”, so that’s great too).

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Rise above.
From the beginning, one of my favorites…and the one I struggle with the most. I tend to sink. My elephant brain works against me. But to breathe, I must rise.

So today, I’m going to focus on this:

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Yes, I think that’s a pretty good way to start the weekend, to start a new month, to start a new chapter.

I am going to not let the bullshit affect me because I will…

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Here’s to a happy, bullshit-free weekend!
~shygirl