you get what you get

 

getwhatyouget

“You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit.”

I cannot tell you how many times I said that each day, to the preschoolers in my care.  Demanding colors or flavors or seats… the phrase was a catch-all.  I said it with my whole heart, trying to impart to the little munchkins that in the big scheme, those little things don’t really matter.  After a while, they believed it, too.  During play, you would hear them saying it to each other. What a great job I did!

But… what if I was wrong?!  What if sometimes it is okay, acceptable, even BENEFICIAL to throw a fit?  Maybe I do get what I get and maybe some things just cannot be changed. Do I have to like it?  Must I accept it with a fake smile on my face, like all my hopes were not just thrown on the ground and stomped out like a fire?

I don’t like it and I want to scream and pout and break things. I want to stomp my feet and cry and ask WHY over and over, until the answer is magically revealed. I want to sit in my room and feel sorry for myself.  I want to be held and petted and just told “yeah, it fucking sucks”.  For just a little while, I don’t want to try to fix it.  I don’t want to see the bright side.  I don’t want to focus on all the wonderful things that will most definitely outweigh the bad.  I want to have a moment.  I want to have a few days of moments, maybe.  I want to wallow, just a little.  Or maybe I want to wallow a lot.

Why?  Because it ISN’T fair.  (Oh, don’t roll your eyes, I am aware that LIFE isn’t fair, or about me, or any of that… just let me have my moment. Please!)  It isn’t fair and it is fucked up.  The best laid plans and all of that.  Something that I have looked forward to for a long while, that is closing in as I type… that now has a little cloud above it.  It is NOT fair and I am MAD.  Boo hoo.  Poor me. Queue the violins. Yeah, yeah… I know. But this is my moment… and it is a shitty one… and it is a doozy.  But it is MINE and I need to have it.  We can talk about all the good stuff later.

Rest assured, in this moment of mine, I haven’t lost all rational thought.  I’m very aware of the plethora of good things to come.  The calm part of me realizes this is just a minor hiccup, albeit a major inconvenience.  I understand that while this may alter the nature of the beast, it won’t rock the foundation.  I know. I really do know that, deep in my soul.

Sigh.

For today, for right now… I’m not ready to rise above it.  I want to sink below it and I want some company, dammit!  I want to roll around in the pit of ‘not fair’. I want to rally the troops with rebel yells, and scream “Fuck this bullshit!!”  Just for a little while longer.

Because you know… you get what you get, but sometimes, maybe it’s okay to throw a fit.

And just because I’m a mess, and I like to sing…

 

~shygirl