perfect, I’m not

I’m no angel.
I make bad choices.
I am needy.
I am insecure.
I think too much.
I say mean things.
I have a temper.
I am not trusting.
I cry.
I yell.
I am anxious.
I am nervous.
I am scared.
I am quiet.
I talk too much.
I beat dead horses.
I give up.
I am jealous.
I am impatient.
I am contradictory.
I am stubborn.
I am a walking disaster.

My flaws are plentiful and I am acutely aware of them every single day.
I am not blameless.
In anything.

But.
I work to balance/solve/lessen my shortcomings.
I am loyal.
I am honest.
I am funny.
I have great willpower.
I try.
I put in real effort.
I love so fucking hard.

The good doesn’t outweigh the bad, does it? Damn.
How lucky I am that my Husband, my Sir, loves me so much!
Maybe He loves me so much, there’s no room for anything else.
Maybe the universe has already given me more than I deserve.
Maybe.
….

My sister made a joke recently about a Tinder for friends. It’s hard to find friends, make friends, keep friends.
Maybe Tinder would be better like… Hey…
No pressure, I just want coffee & giggles!
No commitment, let’s go see a movie!
No feelings, ever… But a shopping day would be nice!
No real anything, let’s just have a bit of fun!
And then on to the next.
Comeradrie, no substance.
Easy. Breezy.
Sounds good, right?!
Not to me –
I’m shy and awkward.
Plus I have all those issues!
So what’s a girl like me to do?

I’ll throw myself into my submission.
I’ll sink into the love, into Sir.
I’ll work on my problems.
I’ll let everything else fall away.

~shygirl

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always singing

This is a great video and the lyrics speak for themselves… they certainly speak to me. Enjoy.

“…So I like to keep my issues drawn…”
~shygirl

“Shake It Out” by Florence + The Machine

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues drawn
But it’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues drawn
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone
It’s always darkest before the dawn

Oh whoa, oh whoa…

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh whoa

thinking [lists, songs, issues] thursday

I’ve been writing a lot. My drafts folder on here is filled with various things… good and bad, sexy and bland. My notebooks have many half-finished posts, tear-laden rants and questions galore. Nothing I feel like publishing just yet… nothing particularly uplifting or insightful. However, I am in a writing mood – a funky, not-so-good mood. And because I’m ALWAYS in a singing mood, and a list making mood, I’m going to, once again, go with what I know. And while I am going with what I know, I’m going to beat a dead horse or two. If you don’t like redundancy, or music, or bad words… you may want to leave now. 
image

Okay… let’s see where this goes:

1.

Today, I am two weeks post-op. I am much better than I have been but nowhere near where I want to be. I’m still lopsided and swollen. My boobs ache, my nipples are constantly hard (to the point where it’s painful), and my incisions are stingy and stabby. I know those I love, that love me, haven’t run away, but it feels that way a lot. Some roads you just have to walk alone. My Cailin is sort of walking down the same road with me… though hers is gravel, while mine is paved… and she, rightfully, has to focus on her own travels. Sir is fantastic, but he just doesn’t know (he doesn’t have this equipment)!

2.

This song is currently my jam! You can find me rocking out… bass thumping… driving around in my car. I put it here though because of the line “and I’m gonna show ya what’s really crazy”. These past weeks I feel so damn crazy. Everything has shifted and changed. Things I could depend on, that really made my days much brighter have kind of fallen by the wayside. Oh, I knew it would come eventually. I did. I expected it. I just didn’t expect it all at once, during at time I needed them most. I know I am being a baby. I really do know that… infantile and needy and dependent delicate… but I just can’t help it. I feel what I feel… even though I really hate feeling this way.
image

3.

Ahhh… time. After listening to these songs, not much else needs to be said.
I do not want to waste my time, or others to waste my time, on things that aren’t really true. I have trust issues. And worth issues. And all sorts of other issues that bring these feelings up often.
But then there are days I feel like nothing can stop. Fuck the world and halfass anything, life is too damn short:
“Time is on my bad side. Halfway there just wouldn’t be fair so I’m going all the way tonight”
image

4.

This song is for my Cailin. Though she is far away, I sing it to her all the time. The following especially speaks to me:

Well I don’t think
She knows
How she changed all my plans

The things that I thought would last
Well, they’re fading, they’re fading
The feelings ,I used to have
Well, they’re changing, they’re changing

She has really flipped my world upside down in the best possible way. I miss her with all of my being and am always so thankful that she is in my life, that God brought us together. Because if I know one thing… this was certainly no accident.

Well…

Looks like this is a short list. I’m hungry, Sir is home with sushi and I need some loving. I’m feeling rather lost tonight and my compass, my anchor, my tree is finally here.

Happy Thursday!
~shygirl