different days go by

Scrolling, looking for something specific for one of my children, the pictures fly by. I try to not to look, but the memories rush into my head and flood my heart. Good memories, mostly,  but now somehow tainted. My eyes leak and my feelings…

Honestly, I feel so much in this moment, I can’t isolate any one thing. All the feelings make me numb and I’m not even sure what I should feel. The first step should be figuring that out right? 

I feel… Sad. A little sick. Embarrassed for then, for now. I feel longing, but also relief. I feel stupid. Smart. A little ugly, a little… Not. I feel loved, betrayed. I feel envious, of me, then. I feel older, wiser, harder.  I feel a heavy grief and the sting of enlightenment. I feel happy. I feel duped, like a yoyo, like less-than. I feel changed, better, worse. Hell I don’t know. Mostly I feel…

Different.

I’m the same girl… then, now… Just different. Thank god for Sir’s patience, love, and strength. He keeps us moving forward, at times He has to drag me, because like it or not, the days go by.


~shygirl

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thinking [i’m not the one] thursday

Look, I’m not the leader.
I’m not the instigator.
I don’t want to get the party started or the ball rolling.
I have no desire to take the reins or grab the bull by the horns.
I cannot be the one to poke and to prod.
I’m not going to be the one to lay it all out again.
I don’t want to be the only one the with the feelings, constantly assessing and evaluating.
I cannot be the one pushing.
I don’t want to be the one pulling.
I’m not the engine, driving it forward.
I cannot be the one sprinting ahead.
I’m just not the one.

But I’ll tell you…
I am the one that stands beside.
Not above.
Not below.
Meet me right here, in the middle.
Different, but equal and this time, level.
Hand in hand.
Returned in kind.
I am that one.

Longest week ever, but it’s coming to a close. Happy Thursday!
~shygirl

white flowers

image

these images found on Pinterest

I am not lily –
White as the snow.
I’m messy and tangled
As the weeds you see grow.

I am not heaven
Forever doing things well.
I’m a frightened disaster
Rising from hell.

I am not daisy –
Innocent and pure.
I’m wilted and bruised
No hope for a cure.

I am not paradise
Relaxing in sand.
I’m the blazing inferno
A barren, loveless land.

I am not rose –
Smooth and succinct.
I’m simply the thorns
Bringing blood to the brink.

~shygirl